The death of my father has brought me to realize a lot of different things. I know I write it all the time, but I didn't realize how much I relied on him! (Part of the reason I haven't been keeping this blog up as best as I should is because of computer problems which dad would've helped me with and solved!!) I'm constantly reminded that my ally and spokesperson is no longer here.
While grieving the loss of my father, I've also been heavily grieving a loss of a relationship that ended some years ago for the other person and I didn't come realize that until recently. I've realized how loyal I am. I'm SO loyal that when it came to this friendship, I attended everything they were in, went out of my way to do things with them, for them....I was the one always writing to get together or calling to see them and I finally noticed that HEY! this is a one sided relationship and I'm not getting anything out of it!! The worst part was that once I stopped making the effort I went unnoticed. For so many years I haven't been fine without this person in my life and have made the effort to continue the relationship but they had forgotten about me like last Saturdays leftovers. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts. It STILL hurts and it's been years since I've been written out of their life.
In case you can't tell, I'm a dweller. I dwell on things too much and shoulda moved on about 7 years ago because it would have stopped a lot of heart ache and tears that were shed when I was left out all those times over the years. My dad was one of those people who maybe didn't fully understand how I felt because he had never been in that situation, but he understood to the fullest of his ability.
A memory that is so still fresh in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch across from him about two months before he died and he asked me if I had made contact with anyone to get come counseling. I just started to ball and he told me that he knew it would help. (He knew me SO well). I told him he didn't know...he didn't know what it was like to lose a parent too soon. Both his parent died of problems related to old age. And I know most people are never ready to lose a parent regardless if they are 58 or 85 but at age 85, death seems a little more ok I guess. He simple said, "I know. But I also know it will help you". He knew when to step in and be a parent. He knew what pushed my buttons and when he needed to take a step back. We were a lot alike in many ways but he was like the tortoise to anger and I the hare. He understood me when my mother did not.
There has been a couple huge incidents where I have completely whigged out and lost control and have gone into hysterics and poor Brandon has had to take the brunt of it. When my computer contracted a virus in the middle of last semester, I didn't know whether I should pay to fix it or get a new one. I freaked out. I just went hysterical and didn't know what to do. Brandon pulled me back into reality and patiently went from store to store and did all the talking and researching of what to do. And then he turned to me and said that I know that this is harder because this is something your dad would've helped you with. It didn't even dawn on me at the time. I was so lost in frustration and tears that it didn't even occur to me that I was like this because I couldn't go to my father aka my tech support.
Then there was the online English class...OH MY GOSH. It was a ridiculous class to begin with. The first 7 weeks the links didn't work and we had to do peer reviews which we couldn't do because the link wasn't working so we had to find and e-mail our class mates to get a paper to peer review. Then she kept wanting us to write a paper over this story in our textbook. Which was fine the first time. Then she wanted two more papers that were longer in than the first over the same story in the book but each time a different type of paper. The story in the book... was 2 pages long. I was SO frustrating by the second paper to try and squeeze more out of this short short story and then to write a even longer 3rd paper ON THE SAME STORY!!!!!! Her instructions were way to long...her syllabus was 12 pages long...front and back. It was insane. I was stressed out because of this class. So one night when I found out I had to write a FOURTH paper on the SAME 2 page story, I lost it. So I told Brandon I was thinking about dropping the class between sobs of frustration. Brandon was like "It's really not necessary for you to be this upset!" I had never been to that point though. I had never been beat by a class. I was on the Dean's List last semester (and made it this semester too!!) and had never even though to drop a class. Brandon told me he had taken two classes while living with his sister and working 15 hours a week and couldn't do. I was working 30+, not living at home so having to pay bills AND taking 4 classes. He said, "I think you are doing alright hunny. You really need your dad for this don't you." The flood waters were released.
I don't want to sound conceded or full of myself, but I really did have the most amazing man as a father. He was so patient and kind which are words that are overused but their truest meanings are what my father was. He was soft spoken and caring when he needed to be. Then there are those times when my full name was used. But even in those times, he was just what my adolescent "know-all" butt needed.
I wrote to a friend who had lost her father too soon as well and asked her, "how do you do it! How do you keep going!" She told me about a family friend who came up to her at her dads funeral and said, "This sucks! Don't let anyone tell you differently". SSOOOO true!!!
There are days where the outside world doesn't even know I'm screaming inside. There are many a days when Dayze (my dog aka my daughter) is the only person to hear me scream and cry. And then there are days when I have to keep reminding myself that while I only got 24 years with the most amazing man ever, they are 24 years more than a lot of people ever had.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Hazelnut Coffee
My dad loved his coffee. One of my greatest memories is of when we lived in PNG and dad had a French Press coffee maker. I would love to be the one to push the coffee plunger. I remember leaning on the kitchen table with my knees on the chair and one arm tucked under my chest and the other slightly above the coffee plunger saying, "Now dad? Can I do it now?!" And him saying, "No, not yet..". He was the most patient man I've ever known.
After my shift at work today I walked by the coffees. I just happened to look up and see that our Hazelnut coffee was the one on special today which happened to be one of my dads favorites. Normally I would've called dad and asked if he needed any coffee. But not today.
Another thing I would've called my dad about was my FAFSA. He filled if every year for me. He even did it last year when he was in the most pain. But he never told me the special PIN number you need. It was a huge headache for me to try and figure out. I did it, but not without tears.
As I've written before, I can't even begin to comprehend where this year has gone. To think next month will mark a year since he has been gone. A YEAR!!! It's unfathomable. The worse part about all this pain and anger I deal with on a daily basis still, is the fact that if he were here, I wouldn't be feeling this way. To have my emotions under control again seems just as unfathomable as dad been gone for a year. He was my rock. He was my constant. Not to say that mom wasn't and hasn't always been there for me, but it was my father who understood me the best. There has been arguments between my mother, brother, and I and just when I feel the most alone, I feel even more alone when they happen because it makes it even more clearer that it is my mother for my brother and was my father for I.
I read a great quote from a great queen once, Queen Catherine, the daughter for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain...she said that she'd rather be in the depths of sorrow all the time then be in the most joyous happiness half the time because in happiness you forget God, in sorrow, you turn to him always.
I never once saw my dad in fear of death. I never saw him angry at God or mad at the world which he had every right to do. It was like he was told he was going to die and said, "Whatever you like God." For me, my fathers faith and devotion to God was so great it will never to rivaled by anyone else except by my mother.
After I finished my FAFSA I broke down in tears. Brandon just held me until I could control myself again. He told me that he wishes he could have half the sorrow I have for my father for his father or mother. Because when the time comes for his mom and dad to leave this earth he doesn't know he will see them in Heaven. He has said to me before he could never weep for his parents as I do mine because he never had a relationship like my parents and I. Granted, he will be sad when his parents pass, but he couldn't feel the pain I do because the love and relationship my parents and I have exceeds anything he ever knew. So on the days where depression has tied me down, I try to remember my husband. When I think to myself that I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else in the world, I remember that I am lucky enough to feel this pain and sorrow. I remember that I loved my father so much and he loved me so much that I miss him immensely to this day and even though I'm angry God took him from me, I'm also glad that God gave me 24 years with him and that those 24 short years were filled with the full and entire love of a earthly and heavenly father. To remind myself of this and to remember it is almost as hard has getting out of bed each day and facing another day without him. But God saw me fit enough to handle this...why I don't know yet and I'm still im tremendously angry about but have to face reality.
This pain and heart ache and depression suck. There is no way around that. But in a weird way, I'm thankful to miss him so much because it means he meant the world to me.
After my shift at work today I walked by the coffees. I just happened to look up and see that our Hazelnut coffee was the one on special today which happened to be one of my dads favorites. Normally I would've called dad and asked if he needed any coffee. But not today.
Another thing I would've called my dad about was my FAFSA. He filled if every year for me. He even did it last year when he was in the most pain. But he never told me the special PIN number you need. It was a huge headache for me to try and figure out. I did it, but not without tears.
As I've written before, I can't even begin to comprehend where this year has gone. To think next month will mark a year since he has been gone. A YEAR!!! It's unfathomable. The worse part about all this pain and anger I deal with on a daily basis still, is the fact that if he were here, I wouldn't be feeling this way. To have my emotions under control again seems just as unfathomable as dad been gone for a year. He was my rock. He was my constant. Not to say that mom wasn't and hasn't always been there for me, but it was my father who understood me the best. There has been arguments between my mother, brother, and I and just when I feel the most alone, I feel even more alone when they happen because it makes it even more clearer that it is my mother for my brother and was my father for I.
I read a great quote from a great queen once, Queen Catherine, the daughter for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain...she said that she'd rather be in the depths of sorrow all the time then be in the most joyous happiness half the time because in happiness you forget God, in sorrow, you turn to him always.
I never once saw my dad in fear of death. I never saw him angry at God or mad at the world which he had every right to do. It was like he was told he was going to die and said, "Whatever you like God." For me, my fathers faith and devotion to God was so great it will never to rivaled by anyone else except by my mother.
After I finished my FAFSA I broke down in tears. Brandon just held me until I could control myself again. He told me that he wishes he could have half the sorrow I have for my father for his father or mother. Because when the time comes for his mom and dad to leave this earth he doesn't know he will see them in Heaven. He has said to me before he could never weep for his parents as I do mine because he never had a relationship like my parents and I. Granted, he will be sad when his parents pass, but he couldn't feel the pain I do because the love and relationship my parents and I have exceeds anything he ever knew. So on the days where depression has tied me down, I try to remember my husband. When I think to myself that I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else in the world, I remember that I am lucky enough to feel this pain and sorrow. I remember that I loved my father so much and he loved me so much that I miss him immensely to this day and even though I'm angry God took him from me, I'm also glad that God gave me 24 years with him and that those 24 short years were filled with the full and entire love of a earthly and heavenly father. To remind myself of this and to remember it is almost as hard has getting out of bed each day and facing another day without him. But God saw me fit enough to handle this...why I don't know yet and I'm still im tremendously angry about but have to face reality.
This pain and heart ache and depression suck. There is no way around that. But in a weird way, I'm thankful to miss him so much because it means he meant the world to me.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Say WHAT?!?!?!
I can not even begin to wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow marks one year since we found out my dad's cancer was terminal. I can't even grasp where this year has gone. I feel like every year goes by fast but I can't even start to think that this past year even happened.
25 February 2011 feels like just yesterday. I skipped Geography to go to the hospital where my dad was after fainting at home and being taken to Fort Wayne by ambulance. I worked 2-8 at work and then had plans to meet up with a friend for her birthday. My mom called and insisted I come to the hospital. I was already on my way to Buffalo Wild Wings so I turned around in Autumn Creek Apartments, went back to my apartment where Brandon was, picked him up and went to the hospital. I knew the news before I even got there.
I think I'm going to be in a constant adjusting mode for a long time. There is so much he has missed and so much I miss about him. I could use his knowledge almost everyday. My computer crashed for the second time and guess who took care of the entire thing last time. I'm currently in Music Appreciation and guess who knows a lot about music because he was a music major. The list goes on.
25 February 2011 feels like just yesterday. I skipped Geography to go to the hospital where my dad was after fainting at home and being taken to Fort Wayne by ambulance. I worked 2-8 at work and then had plans to meet up with a friend for her birthday. My mom called and insisted I come to the hospital. I was already on my way to Buffalo Wild Wings so I turned around in Autumn Creek Apartments, went back to my apartment where Brandon was, picked him up and went to the hospital. I knew the news before I even got there.
I think I'm going to be in a constant adjusting mode for a long time. There is so much he has missed and so much I miss about him. I could use his knowledge almost everyday. My computer crashed for the second time and guess who took care of the entire thing last time. I'm currently in Music Appreciation and guess who knows a lot about music because he was a music major. The list goes on.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Dean's List
Words never seem enough anymore. Times of silence bring memories and tears like waterfalls.
This past year as gone by faster than any year of my life before it. In just less than a month it will mark the one year anniversary of finding out my dad had cancer again. Unfortunately it fell on the birthday of probably the longest known friend of the family, John Nystrom, and one of my longest known friends, the beautiful Haebin (Lee) Wotring. Their birthdays are now associated with the day we found my dad's cancer was back.
I was sitting at the break table at work. I just broke down sobbing. I had to clock back in and Sarah Howe noticed I was upset and I told her the news. She just hugged me. All someone can really do at the moment really. I went back up to the front and Katie Kauffman noticed I was upset as well. As if she already knew she asked if it had something to do with my dad. I nodded and started crying again and went to the sanctuary of the bathroom. When I returned I talked with my friend Gywen. She comforted me as best she could and let me go home early. I got home and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act or what my next step was.
Honestly, this feels like it was yesterday. I still feel like I have time to talk to my dad and see him and to hear his voice again.
This past semester at college was my favorite. I had Cultural Anthropology, Multicultural Studies, US History 101, and World Civilizations 101. I've never been that great at school. I was never that bad but I was pretty much a constant A and B student with an occasional C (usually in Math and Science classes :P ) but I made the Dean's List for the first time in 3 years of college. And all I wanted to do was call my dad. He should've been the first person I told. The person to be the most excited for me because he knew better than anyone how hard I've been working 25-33 hours a week and going to school full time. He should've been there. I can't even be happy about it because it doesn't mean much without my dad here to see me achieve it. All I can think about how I can't tell him because he isn't here.
I didn't go to Christmas Eve service at College Park. I asked to work the early shift on Christmas Eve and to my surprise was off by 2. Brandon's dad always does Christmas at his house on Christmas Eve and Brandon's sister Darci and her husband Spencer were in town from Columbus, OH and already at Pat's (Brandon's dad) house. The plan was to go over there for a minute and then head to Huntington. But when that time came, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go knowing dad wouldn't be singing in the choir. It was too painful. I haven't been able to go to Christmas Eve service for years because of work and when the time came to go, I couldn't do it.
We didn't put up the Christmas tree this year. It has always been dad's thing and it just didn't feel right. Brandon and I didn't walk into my parents house smelling the pumpkin pie dad had just made and the Christmas Blend coffee brewing. In fact nothing about this past Christmas really happened the way it should. The Pepper side of the family decided to get together on Christmas day this past year. Usually it happens a couple days after Christmas. Brandon had to work at 5:30 but my mom and I didn't want him to be at home all day Christmas day until he went to work so Brandon and I spent the night Christmas Eve at my moms and got up early Christmas day to head to Liberty, IN where my moms oldest brother lives. We got their early and left around 2:30 to get Brandon back to work on time. My car was in Huntington but it was quicker for us to just go straight to Fort Wayne and back to Huntington. So mom and I dropped off Brandon at work and picked up Dayze and went to China Buffet. Nothing like Chinese on Christmas day! We got back to Huntington and watched The Sound of Music.
My mom, Brandon, and I opened presents the Wednesday after Christmas. Mom came up here to Fort Wayne. My dad was always the one to make us wait for presents. We would eat our Christmas dinner, (maybe weasel him into letting us open one present before dinner), then to the living room where dad read the Christmas story and then presents. However when mom came up for Christmas she was so excited about the gifts she got us we opened them first. I told her that if dad had still been here, he would've made us wait!
One of the last trips my parents made together to Fort Wayne, the stopped at Hallmark and bought us all mugs. Mine reads "Daughter-Watching you grow has gifted us with the understanding that our lives have been brought together for a reason. Your love has fostered our spiritual growth. The bonds we share are everlasting". Knowing my father read those words and knowing I can read them now means everything to me. It's just a mug to anyone else but to me it's a connection to knowing my father loved me the way a father should.
I hurts more now then it did April 21st 2011.
These pictures were taken Christmas 2010, the last Christmas with my dad.
Dad reading the Christmas story for us.
Dayze and her Papaw Bill playing with his favorite toy, the iPod Touch
I got dad the movie "Where Eagles Dare", an old WW II movie that we used to watch in PNG. He hadn't seen it since we left home many many years ago.
I came into the house wearing the Penn State hoodie you see here. Dad didn't know I had gotten him a matching one. :)
I also came in wearing the purple scarf seen here. My mother didn't realize I had gotten her the pink and mauve one, also seen here, for Christmas.
This past year as gone by faster than any year of my life before it. In just less than a month it will mark the one year anniversary of finding out my dad had cancer again. Unfortunately it fell on the birthday of probably the longest known friend of the family, John Nystrom, and one of my longest known friends, the beautiful Haebin (Lee) Wotring. Their birthdays are now associated with the day we found my dad's cancer was back.
I was sitting at the break table at work. I just broke down sobbing. I had to clock back in and Sarah Howe noticed I was upset and I told her the news. She just hugged me. All someone can really do at the moment really. I went back up to the front and Katie Kauffman noticed I was upset as well. As if she already knew she asked if it had something to do with my dad. I nodded and started crying again and went to the sanctuary of the bathroom. When I returned I talked with my friend Gywen. She comforted me as best she could and let me go home early. I got home and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act or what my next step was.
Honestly, this feels like it was yesterday. I still feel like I have time to talk to my dad and see him and to hear his voice again.
This past semester at college was my favorite. I had Cultural Anthropology, Multicultural Studies, US History 101, and World Civilizations 101. I've never been that great at school. I was never that bad but I was pretty much a constant A and B student with an occasional C (usually in Math and Science classes :P ) but I made the Dean's List for the first time in 3 years of college. And all I wanted to do was call my dad. He should've been the first person I told. The person to be the most excited for me because he knew better than anyone how hard I've been working 25-33 hours a week and going to school full time. He should've been there. I can't even be happy about it because it doesn't mean much without my dad here to see me achieve it. All I can think about how I can't tell him because he isn't here.
I didn't go to Christmas Eve service at College Park. I asked to work the early shift on Christmas Eve and to my surprise was off by 2. Brandon's dad always does Christmas at his house on Christmas Eve and Brandon's sister Darci and her husband Spencer were in town from Columbus, OH and already at Pat's (Brandon's dad) house. The plan was to go over there for a minute and then head to Huntington. But when that time came, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go knowing dad wouldn't be singing in the choir. It was too painful. I haven't been able to go to Christmas Eve service for years because of work and when the time came to go, I couldn't do it.
We didn't put up the Christmas tree this year. It has always been dad's thing and it just didn't feel right. Brandon and I didn't walk into my parents house smelling the pumpkin pie dad had just made and the Christmas Blend coffee brewing. In fact nothing about this past Christmas really happened the way it should. The Pepper side of the family decided to get together on Christmas day this past year. Usually it happens a couple days after Christmas. Brandon had to work at 5:30 but my mom and I didn't want him to be at home all day Christmas day until he went to work so Brandon and I spent the night Christmas Eve at my moms and got up early Christmas day to head to Liberty, IN where my moms oldest brother lives. We got their early and left around 2:30 to get Brandon back to work on time. My car was in Huntington but it was quicker for us to just go straight to Fort Wayne and back to Huntington. So mom and I dropped off Brandon at work and picked up Dayze and went to China Buffet. Nothing like Chinese on Christmas day! We got back to Huntington and watched The Sound of Music.
My mom, Brandon, and I opened presents the Wednesday after Christmas. Mom came up here to Fort Wayne. My dad was always the one to make us wait for presents. We would eat our Christmas dinner, (maybe weasel him into letting us open one present before dinner), then to the living room where dad read the Christmas story and then presents. However when mom came up for Christmas she was so excited about the gifts she got us we opened them first. I told her that if dad had still been here, he would've made us wait!
One of the last trips my parents made together to Fort Wayne, the stopped at Hallmark and bought us all mugs. Mine reads "Daughter-Watching you grow has gifted us with the understanding that our lives have been brought together for a reason. Your love has fostered our spiritual growth. The bonds we share are everlasting". Knowing my father read those words and knowing I can read them now means everything to me. It's just a mug to anyone else but to me it's a connection to knowing my father loved me the way a father should.
I hurts more now then it did April 21st 2011.
These pictures were taken Christmas 2010, the last Christmas with my dad.
I also came in wearing the purple scarf seen here. My mother didn't realize I had gotten her the pink and mauve one, also seen here, for Christmas.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Josh Garrels and the Civil War
I'm currently sitting on the couch listening to Josh Garrels and I have the living room to myself. Brandon is away visiting family and Dayze is STILL in bed. (She takes after her mother A LOT).
Tomorrow is my first final for this semester. It's for History 101. We have to write a take home essay and then we have a in class portion as well. The essay is about what were the causes and consequences of the Civil War and Reconstruction. Man-o-man could I use dads expertise in this area. He knew about all the battles and the generals and knew just about everything there was about his birth place, Gettysburg, PA. He read countless books and watched all the Civil War movies. Between his father and dad, we have our own Civil War and World War II library.
Times like these make me feel like my father was a figment of my imagination. I know he existed but it feels like my entire life was a dream and now I've awoken to find that everything I knew was just my imagination. It's like I've become so attached to that dream that I don't know how to exist myself anymore.
The day before dad died, I spent most of the day with him at the hospice home. I played Josh Garrels for him. He was in and out of sleep but it helped to soothe my soul. When he would wake up I would make sure he heard the song The Rabbit and The Bear. Not only because it's one of my favs but because there is a didgeridoo used in the song and I knew dad would enjoy it.
Like I wrote in the last post, life is getting increasingly harder and harder without him. I hate feeling like he was just a dream. I hate living without him.
Tomorrow is my first final for this semester. It's for History 101. We have to write a take home essay and then we have a in class portion as well. The essay is about what were the causes and consequences of the Civil War and Reconstruction. Man-o-man could I use dads expertise in this area. He knew about all the battles and the generals and knew just about everything there was about his birth place, Gettysburg, PA. He read countless books and watched all the Civil War movies. Between his father and dad, we have our own Civil War and World War II library.
Times like these make me feel like my father was a figment of my imagination. I know he existed but it feels like my entire life was a dream and now I've awoken to find that everything I knew was just my imagination. It's like I've become so attached to that dream that I don't know how to exist myself anymore.
The day before dad died, I spent most of the day with him at the hospice home. I played Josh Garrels for him. He was in and out of sleep but it helped to soothe my soul. When he would wake up I would make sure he heard the song The Rabbit and The Bear. Not only because it's one of my favs but because there is a didgeridoo used in the song and I knew dad would enjoy it.
Like I wrote in the last post, life is getting increasingly harder and harder without him. I hate feeling like he was just a dream. I hate living without him.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Christmas Carols
I was doing the nightly cleaning at work last night and started to tear up as I became more aware of the Christmas music that was playing. My dad usually sang in the Christmas Eve choir. I haven't been able to go for the past 4 years because of work but this year I asked to have the early shift on Christmas Eve even though it will probably mean working 8-5 since we close at 6 Christmas Eve, but I hope to be able to make it to College Park Church in time on Christmas Eve to be there with my mom.
It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him. It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life. I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.
My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.
It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him. It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life. I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.
My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Security Blanket
On Thanksgiving, we always go to my uncle's in Brookville, IN. Today is no different. But at the same time entirely different.
My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't. But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher. My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in. My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in.
This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever. Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew.
My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't. But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher. My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in. My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in.
This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever. Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew.
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