My world is upside down. It is such a unreal feeling to know I can't pick up the phone and call my dad. I won't walk into my parents house and see him sitting in his chair. And he won't be walking me down the isle in 6 days.
We had a private family viewing the Monday after he died. All the family that was already here gathered at the funeral home. Something that was really important to me was having current pictures of my dad at his viewings. But they were all on my computer and needed to be printed. I went to Walmart the night before but got there too late. So I woke up early Monday and went up. I picked the ones I wanted and waited. When I went back to pick them up, the lady at the counter was having a bad day and taking it out on her customers (like me). Apparently the printer had run out of paper and it was taking her FOREVER to get fixed. I finally get the pictures. I go back to my moms house to get ready. I'm still waiting on Brandon at this point to get to Huntington with blank cds so I can burn the music I put together for the funeral home to play at the viewing. He finally gets there and I'm getting ready while burning cds and putting together the new pictures. We get up to the funeral home and everyone is already there minus my brother and his wife. A few minutes later they show up. We all gather around and pray and then get ready to see my dad in the casket. If my dad had been there, I would have immediately been beside him. Whenever there were crowds of people around, I would be beside dad. He was my paper and I was his glue. It was just the way it worked. Since he wasn't there, I took my brothers arm instead. He aloud me to just link my arms around his arm and we walked in.
Tears streaming down my face. Anger building up. Loneliness sinking in. Reality setting in.
My heart has never known this strong of hurt. It engulfs and consumes you. I HATE the fact that he isn't here. I have never been so angry and hurt in my 24 years combined at my dad. Standing by his casket at the funeral home I just wept. Every inch of me was so mad and angry at my dad for leaving me. I so desperately wanted to scream and shout and yell.
Orginally my mom agreed to a open casket for the family viewing. She was so surprised how good he looked that she consulted my brother and I to see if it was alright to leave it open for the public viewing. Both my brother and mom didn't care either way. Me on the other hand. I couldn't bare the thought of closing it because then I couldn't see him. Even though he was dead, it still left like he was still here with the coffin open. So my mom left it open.
So many people poured though the funeral home. Many surprises of people who thought highly of my dad. Old and new friends. Co-workers of my dads, my moms, and even mine.
It then came time to leave the funeral home. It was already decided that the casket would be closed at the church for the one hour viewing before the service.
I again wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I was and still am so angry. So engulfed in anger. I didn't want them to close the casket. It meant the end for me. I couldn't ever see my dad again. Pictures just aren't the same. Even though he isn't alive, just keeping the casket open was a way for me to still have him here. I just wanted everyone to leave and leave me with my dad and just stay like that forever.
As you guess by the top sentences, the wedding is still on. No idea how I'm going to get through it. Everyone keeps telling me he will be here in spirit and he is watching from Heaven. But I think even my dad would agree that he would rather be here.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Autumn Splendor
I know this new layout has 'Autumn Splendor' on the side and it's currently spring but daddie loved fall. It was his favorite season. And his favorite color is blue so I found it fitting.
I went to church with mom today (Brandon and I usually go to church in Fort Wayne). It was a great service. But caused lots of tears. All I could picture was daddie standing next to me singing and what a wonderful voice he had. I could imagine the way he moved his hands and head while singing to the Lord. How I miss that so. Pastor Gary even tied in my daddies death in the sermon-stating how mom took daddie in her arms at the end and reminded him of everyone who loves him here on Earth and everyone waiting for him in Heaven and that is was ok to leave. There are no words to explain that. Amazing, wonderful-those words aren't strong enough.
Tomorrow is daddie's viewing. We are lucky enough to have almost the whole family on both sides be able to celebrate daddies life with us. But I'm still waiting to walk into mom and dad's house and see dad sitting in his chair. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and how he had to duck his head because it was too low for him. I'm still waiting to hear/see the Cubs playing in every room. I'm still waiting to see him at the computer listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I'm still waiting. And I will be for a very long time.
I went to church with mom today (Brandon and I usually go to church in Fort Wayne). It was a great service. But caused lots of tears. All I could picture was daddie standing next to me singing and what a wonderful voice he had. I could imagine the way he moved his hands and head while singing to the Lord. How I miss that so. Pastor Gary even tied in my daddies death in the sermon-stating how mom took daddie in her arms at the end and reminded him of everyone who loves him here on Earth and everyone waiting for him in Heaven and that is was ok to leave. There are no words to explain that. Amazing, wonderful-those words aren't strong enough.
Tomorrow is daddie's viewing. We are lucky enough to have almost the whole family on both sides be able to celebrate daddies life with us. But I'm still waiting to walk into mom and dad's house and see dad sitting in his chair. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and how he had to duck his head because it was too low for him. I'm still waiting to hear/see the Cubs playing in every room. I'm still waiting to see him at the computer listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I'm still waiting. And I will be for a very long time.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Wait is Over.
God took my daddie early this morning. I got a call from hospice this morning 3:26AM and was in the car by 3:30AM. The lady from hospice told me on the phone that he might not make it before I get there and she even started crying on the phone. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive so I got Brandon and we made the 10 minute drive to get to the hospice home from my apartment. As we passed Fresh Market (where I work) I asked God to give me peace. That I didn't want him to take my daddie but if it was his time to make it fast and with no pain. And I was at peace. I stopped crying and felt Gods presence with me. We got there and ran inside. We hurried along the dark hallway and the three night shift nurses were all just staring at us. I started bawling. I opened the door and my mom was cradling his head and told me he was gone. I sank to the floor. I wanted to renege what I had just told God. I wasn't ready. I needed more time. I had more to say and more to share.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Waiting
I'm sitting in a dark hospice room listening to Josh Garrels with my dad.
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Blessed Thru Pain
A lot has happened since I've last written.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Untitled.
I don't understand how there can be no tears in Heaven.
My heart is literally breaking into pieces down here on earth. My mind is in chaos. I can not fathom how one can be in Heaven and not shed a tear or go through the heart ache of having to miss your wife, your son, your daughter, and so many other family members. How is it that when the Lord takes my daddie and my heart breaks into even more pieces (which I assure there won't be much more to break) that he will not be going through the same emotions and feelings as I???!!!!!! I just can't wrap my head around this.
And I shouldn't have to.
But I do.
Today we found out that the cancer has spread to my daddie's lungs.
Really? The poor man already has cancer in his bladder and liver and possibly his intestines...what is this? A all or nothing game??? I suppose it is.
I can't help to think what it would've been like if my dad had not been in that 10% survival rate for Hodgkins disease back in the 70's. What if he was in the 90% of people who didn't make it? Well...there probably would have been no ME. And while I hate to think what life would be like without my parents or brother or nephew (and the list goes on forever), at the same time, I would've never have known what life would be like with them so I really wouldn't be missing it. I would have never had to go through this tremendous amount of pain, this ginormous amount of hurt and anger, this massive amount of fear of losing my daddie when I was 24 years old.
How horrible is it that I'm thinking this???? I mean really??? If my dad had died back in the 70's he would have never been my dad. That sentence and thought is so horrible to think about.
Just to set the record straight...I'm happier than all of you reading this combined that my dad did survive death the first time.
My friend Angela from work and I were talking the other night. I was sharing with her a article I had read in a magazine about this women whose mother abandoned her and her two sisters when she was 4. Just up and left. No note, no nothing. The father was in and out of jail and none of their family members could keep all 3 of them for a long period of time. She talks about all the different foster parents she had. About walking up to the house with all 3 of the sisters carrying all their possessions in a garbage bag. The story goes on and does end up happy but it got Angela and I talking about our own adoptions.
Angela was just 4 days old when she was adopted and I was 13 days old so for the both of us, our (adoptive) parents are all we've ever known. The story in the magazine really made us think about how lucky were both were to get adopted so fast and to get adopted by extraordinary parents. We didn't have to go through rough times with foster parents or even bad adoptive parents.
I am truly a answer to prayer. And I know and understand this. I am truly a gift from God to Bill and Anne Fetrow. It blows my mind to think about this.
It's cliche to say but everything happens for a reason. There is a reason my dad survived Hodgkins disease and 42 radiation treatments only for those treatments to ruin his organs to the point he is dying from the thing that saved him the first time. There is a reason why my parents weren't able to have a child of their own and thus ended up adopting Benji and I. There is a reason why God is taking the greatest man I've even known away from me. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I can officially say I've never hated something more in my life. But I am helpless. I can pray he won't be in much pain. I can selfishly ask for God to wait until my daddie can walk me down the isle. But I can't fix it. No one can. I understand that. I've accepted it. But I certainly don't like it.
People keep talking like he is going to be rid of the cancer. And it might happen. But the chances of him surviving cancer in the bladder, the liver, the lungs, AND the intestines....I don't think you can even give that percentage a number it's that small. And it sucks. It litterally is the worst thing in the world.
I wish that last sentence there, "the worst thing in the world" wasn't so desensitized. We use that phrase so often that when I use it here it somehow doesn't seem strong enough. But it truly is THE worse thing IN THE WORLD to know that a vicious disease is eating my daddie from the inside out. That he won't be here to see me graduate college. To see me start a family. To see his grandsons become famous baseball players for the Cubs.
It's so hard to cherish the time we have left when all I want to do is to crawl into bed and never get out. But I have to. I have work and school and now a wedding to plan in 2 months!!
And I mean almost litteraly two months!
We've finally settled on a date.
May 14, 2011.
I finally realized that, "wait a second...this is Brandon and my wedding. I need to stop worrying about whenever everyone else (minus my dad) can have this wedding and start worrying about US!" This is our wedding. May 14 isn't going to work for everyone but neither is any other date we would pick. The most important thing to us is to have my daddie there and May 14 works for us and so that when we're getting married.
Now only to find a place. I haven't gone to my parents church since I was a junior in high school and never really saw myself getting married there. I was attending the 509 Community in Huntington for 6 years but we never even slightly meshed with that group but loved the pastor so much we stuck around till he left. We are currently attending Emmanuel Community Church in Fort Wayne but don't see ourselves getting married there either. We were thinking about outside but worry May 14th might not be warm enough and even if it was where would we do it? We have no idea where. Which totally sucks. And with such late notice it's going to be a challenge to find something we both like, can afford, and works with May 14th. STRESS!!! Not to mention I have to continue working and school doesn't end till May 6th. Yay for more stress!!
It will work out though. It has too. Photographer and hair and makeup and catering already has. I know the place will too.
Please continue sending cards and e-mails to my parents. I know they appreciate hearing from old (as in haven't talked to in awhile, not old in age) and new friends alike. Thanks a million.
-Kristi
My heart is literally breaking into pieces down here on earth. My mind is in chaos. I can not fathom how one can be in Heaven and not shed a tear or go through the heart ache of having to miss your wife, your son, your daughter, and so many other family members. How is it that when the Lord takes my daddie and my heart breaks into even more pieces (which I assure there won't be much more to break) that he will not be going through the same emotions and feelings as I???!!!!!! I just can't wrap my head around this.
And I shouldn't have to.
But I do.
Today we found out that the cancer has spread to my daddie's lungs.
Really? The poor man already has cancer in his bladder and liver and possibly his intestines...what is this? A all or nothing game??? I suppose it is.
I can't help to think what it would've been like if my dad had not been in that 10% survival rate for Hodgkins disease back in the 70's. What if he was in the 90% of people who didn't make it? Well...there probably would have been no ME. And while I hate to think what life would be like without my parents or brother or nephew (and the list goes on forever), at the same time, I would've never have known what life would be like with them so I really wouldn't be missing it. I would have never had to go through this tremendous amount of pain, this ginormous amount of hurt and anger, this massive amount of fear of losing my daddie when I was 24 years old.
How horrible is it that I'm thinking this???? I mean really??? If my dad had died back in the 70's he would have never been my dad. That sentence and thought is so horrible to think about.
Just to set the record straight...I'm happier than all of you reading this combined that my dad did survive death the first time.
My friend Angela from work and I were talking the other night. I was sharing with her a article I had read in a magazine about this women whose mother abandoned her and her two sisters when she was 4. Just up and left. No note, no nothing. The father was in and out of jail and none of their family members could keep all 3 of them for a long period of time. She talks about all the different foster parents she had. About walking up to the house with all 3 of the sisters carrying all their possessions in a garbage bag. The story goes on and does end up happy but it got Angela and I talking about our own adoptions.
Angela was just 4 days old when she was adopted and I was 13 days old so for the both of us, our (adoptive) parents are all we've ever known. The story in the magazine really made us think about how lucky were both were to get adopted so fast and to get adopted by extraordinary parents. We didn't have to go through rough times with foster parents or even bad adoptive parents.
I am truly a answer to prayer. And I know and understand this. I am truly a gift from God to Bill and Anne Fetrow. It blows my mind to think about this.
It's cliche to say but everything happens for a reason. There is a reason my dad survived Hodgkins disease and 42 radiation treatments only for those treatments to ruin his organs to the point he is dying from the thing that saved him the first time. There is a reason why my parents weren't able to have a child of their own and thus ended up adopting Benji and I. There is a reason why God is taking the greatest man I've even known away from me. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I can officially say I've never hated something more in my life. But I am helpless. I can pray he won't be in much pain. I can selfishly ask for God to wait until my daddie can walk me down the isle. But I can't fix it. No one can. I understand that. I've accepted it. But I certainly don't like it.
People keep talking like he is going to be rid of the cancer. And it might happen. But the chances of him surviving cancer in the bladder, the liver, the lungs, AND the intestines....I don't think you can even give that percentage a number it's that small. And it sucks. It litterally is the worst thing in the world.
I wish that last sentence there, "the worst thing in the world" wasn't so desensitized. We use that phrase so often that when I use it here it somehow doesn't seem strong enough. But it truly is THE worse thing IN THE WORLD to know that a vicious disease is eating my daddie from the inside out. That he won't be here to see me graduate college. To see me start a family. To see his grandsons become famous baseball players for the Cubs.
It's so hard to cherish the time we have left when all I want to do is to crawl into bed and never get out. But I have to. I have work and school and now a wedding to plan in 2 months!!
And I mean almost litteraly two months!
We've finally settled on a date.
May 14, 2011.
I finally realized that, "wait a second...this is Brandon and my wedding. I need to stop worrying about whenever everyone else (minus my dad) can have this wedding and start worrying about US!" This is our wedding. May 14 isn't going to work for everyone but neither is any other date we would pick. The most important thing to us is to have my daddie there and May 14 works for us and so that when we're getting married.
Now only to find a place. I haven't gone to my parents church since I was a junior in high school and never really saw myself getting married there. I was attending the 509 Community in Huntington for 6 years but we never even slightly meshed with that group but loved the pastor so much we stuck around till he left. We are currently attending Emmanuel Community Church in Fort Wayne but don't see ourselves getting married there either. We were thinking about outside but worry May 14th might not be warm enough and even if it was where would we do it? We have no idea where. Which totally sucks. And with such late notice it's going to be a challenge to find something we both like, can afford, and works with May 14th. STRESS!!! Not to mention I have to continue working and school doesn't end till May 6th. Yay for more stress!!
It will work out though. It has too. Photographer and hair and makeup and catering already has. I know the place will too.
Please continue sending cards and e-mails to my parents. I know they appreciate hearing from old (as in haven't talked to in awhile, not old in age) and new friends alike. Thanks a million.
-Kristi
Friday, March 4, 2011
Disbelief
If this is the first time visiting this post, please read the posts: #1: 'Cancer' and #2: 'We Just Dont't Know Yet' first please!! You can find the links on the right hand side or at the bottom of the page.
The title of this post is "Disbelief". The disbelief that my dad may not be here much longer and the disbelief that I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole thing is the worst kind of sadness and the best kind of joy combined. It's so bizarre. This is not how I saw my wedding being planned. But I'm strangely ok with it. I want my daddie there and if this is how it has to be done then we'll do it.
Approximately 2 months is not long to get everything in order. Part of the reason why Brandon and I held off getting married is because of the cost. And now we have to do the whole ordeal when we were SO not ready financial to even think about it.
Here is where the third part of the disbelief comes in...
We had nothing but the rings and really starting to get worried we wouldn't be able to get married with nothing in the bank. And then...
...a family of angels steps forward.
I'll keep this family anoyomous for now as I have not asked their permission to use their names but this family has gone way up and beyond for Brandon and I.
They have volunteered to:
Do the wedding pictures.
To do my hair the day of the wedding
To cater the food
To help supply chairs and a tent from friends of theirs
To help supply decorations from friends of theirs
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has made me cry SSOOOOOO many tears of joy. The person who is kind of brought this all to together is a friend from middle school/high school. We were friends but never extremely close. All these things are something I would expect a best friend might do but never a friend who I barely see and we've grown apart. But how she has gone way beyond anything I would or could ever imagine. I am forever grateful for her AND her family. I truly believe this is a "God thing" as my mom likes call it.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The title of this post is "Disbelief". The disbelief that my dad may not be here much longer and the disbelief that I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole thing is the worst kind of sadness and the best kind of joy combined. It's so bizarre. This is not how I saw my wedding being planned. But I'm strangely ok with it. I want my daddie there and if this is how it has to be done then we'll do it.
Approximately 2 months is not long to get everything in order. Part of the reason why Brandon and I held off getting married is because of the cost. And now we have to do the whole ordeal when we were SO not ready financial to even think about it.
Here is where the third part of the disbelief comes in...
We had nothing but the rings and really starting to get worried we wouldn't be able to get married with nothing in the bank. And then...
...a family of angels steps forward.
I'll keep this family anoyomous for now as I have not asked their permission to use their names but this family has gone way up and beyond for Brandon and I.
They have volunteered to:
Do the wedding pictures.
To do my hair the day of the wedding
To cater the food
To help supply chairs and a tent from friends of theirs
To help supply decorations from friends of theirs
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has made me cry SSOOOOOO many tears of joy. The person who is kind of brought this all to together is a friend from middle school/high school. We were friends but never extremely close. All these things are something I would expect a best friend might do but never a friend who I barely see and we've grown apart. But how she has gone way beyond anything I would or could ever imagine. I am forever grateful for her AND her family. I truly believe this is a "God thing" as my mom likes call it.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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