Hazelnut Coffee

My dad loved his coffee.  One of my greatest memories is of when we lived in PNG and dad had a French Press coffee maker.  I would love to be the one to push the coffee plunger.  I remember leaning on the kitchen table with my knees on the chair and one arm tucked under my chest and the other slightly above the coffee plunger saying, "Now dad?  Can I do it now?!"  And him saying, "No, not yet..".  He was the most patient man I've ever known.

After my shift at work today I walked by the coffees.  I just happened to look up and see that our Hazelnut coffee was the one on special today which happened to be one of my dads favorites.  Normally I would've called dad and asked if he needed any coffee.  But not today.

Another thing I would've called my dad about was my FAFSA.  He filled if every year for me.  He even did it last year when he was in the most pain.  But he never told me the special PIN number you need.  It was a huge headache for me to try and figure out.  I did it, but not without tears.

As I've written before, I can't even begin to comprehend where this year has gone.  To think next month will mark a year since he has been gone.  A YEAR!!!  It's unfathomable.  The worse part about all this pain and anger I deal with on a daily basis still, is the fact that if he were here, I wouldn't be feeling this way.  To have my emotions under control again seems just as unfathomable as dad been gone for a year.  He was my rock.  He was my constant.  Not to say that mom wasn't and hasn't always been there for me, but it was my father who understood me the best.  There has been arguments between my mother, brother, and I and just when I feel the most alone, I feel even more alone when they happen because it makes it even more clearer that it is my mother for my brother and was my father for I.

I read a great quote from a great queen once, Queen Catherine, the daughter for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain...she said that she'd rather be in the depths of sorrow all the time then be in the most joyous happiness half the time because in happiness you forget God, in sorrow, you turn to him always.

I never once saw my dad in fear of death.  I never saw him angry at God or mad at the world which he had every right to do.  It was like he was told he was going to die and said, "Whatever you like God."  For me, my fathers faith and devotion to God was so great it will never to rivaled by anyone else except by my mother.

After I finished my FAFSA I broke down in tears.  Brandon just held me until I could control myself again.  He told me that he wishes he could have half the sorrow I have for my father for his father or mother.  Because when the time comes for his mom and dad to leave this earth he doesn't know he will see them in Heaven.  He has said to me before he could never weep for his parents as I do mine because he never had a relationship like my parents and I.  Granted, he will be sad when his parents pass, but he couldn't feel the pain I do because the love and relationship my parents and I have exceeds anything he ever knew.  So on the days where depression has tied me down, I try to remember my husband.  When I think to myself that I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else in the world, I remember that I am lucky enough to feel this pain and sorrow.  I remember that I loved my father so much and he loved me so much that I miss him immensely to this day and even though I'm angry God took him from me, I'm also glad that God gave me 24 years with him and that those 24 short years were filled with the full and entire love of a earthly and heavenly father.  To remind myself of this and to remember it is almost as hard has getting out of bed each day and facing another day without him.  But God saw me fit enough to handle this...why I don't know yet and I'm still im  tremendously angry about but have to face reality. 

This pain and heart ache and depression suck.  There is no way around that.  But in a weird way, I'm thankful to miss him so much because it means he meant the world to me.