Say WHAT?!?!?!

I can not even begin to wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow marks one year since we found out my dad's cancer was terminal.  I can't even grasp where this year has gone.  I feel like every year goes by fast but I can't even start to think that this past year even happened.

25 February 2011 feels like just yesterday.  I skipped Geography to go to the hospital where my dad was after fainting at home and being taken to Fort Wayne by ambulance.  I worked 2-8 at work and then had plans to meet up with a friend for her birthday.  My mom called and insisted I come to the hospital.  I was already on my way to Buffalo Wild Wings so I turned around in Autumn Creek Apartments, went back to my apartment where Brandon was, picked him up and went to the hospital.  I knew the news before I even got there.

I think I'm going to be in a constant adjusting mode for a long time.  There is so much he has missed and so much I miss about him.  I could use his knowledge almost everyday.  My computer crashed for the second time and guess who took care of the entire thing last time.  I'm currently in Music Appreciation and guess who knows a lot about music because he was a music major.  The list goes on.

Dean's List

Words never seem enough anymore.  Times of silence bring memories and tears like waterfalls. 

This past year as gone by faster than any year of my life before it.  In just less than a month it will mark the one year anniversary of finding out my dad had cancer again.  Unfortunately it fell on the birthday of probably the longest known friend of the family, John Nystrom, and one of my longest known friends, the beautiful Haebin (Lee) Wotring.  Their birthdays are now associated with the day we found my dad's cancer was back.

I was sitting at the break table at work.  I just broke down sobbing.  I had to clock back in and Sarah Howe noticed I was upset and I told her the news.  She just hugged me.  All someone can really do at the moment really.  I went back up to the front and Katie Kauffman noticed I was upset as well.  As if she already knew she asked if it had something to do with my dad.  I nodded and started crying again and went to the sanctuary of the bathroom.  When I returned  I talked with my friend Gywen.  She comforted me as best she could and let me go home early.  I got home and I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to act or what my next step was.  

Honestly, this feels like it was yesterday.  I still feel like I have time to talk to my dad and see him and to hear his voice again.

This past semester at college was my favorite.  I had Cultural Anthropology, Multicultural Studies, US History 101, and World Civilizations 101.  I've never been that great at school.  I was never that bad but I was pretty much a constant A and B student with an occasional C (usually in Math and Science classes  :P ) but  I made the Dean's List for the first time in 3 years of college.  And all I wanted to do was call my dad.  He should've been the first person I told.  The person to be the most excited for me because he knew better than anyone how hard I've been working 25-33 hours a week and going to school full time.  He should've been there.  I can't even be happy about it because it doesn't mean much without my dad here to see me achieve it.  All I can think about how I can't tell him because he isn't here.


I didn't go to Christmas Eve service at College Park.  I asked to work the early shift on Christmas Eve and to my surprise was off by 2.  Brandon's dad always does Christmas at his house on Christmas Eve and  Brandon's sister Darci and her husband Spencer were in town from Columbus, OH and already at Pat's (Brandon's dad) house.  The plan was to go over there for a minute and then head to Huntington.  But when that time came, I couldn't do it.  I couldn't go knowing dad wouldn't be singing in the choir.  It was too painful.  I haven't been able to go to Christmas Eve service for years because of work and when the time came to go, I couldn't do it.  
We didn't put up the Christmas tree this year.  It has always been dad's thing and it just didn't feel right.  Brandon and I didn't walk into my parents house smelling the pumpkin pie dad had just made and the Christmas Blend coffee brewing. In fact nothing about this past Christmas really happened the way it should.  The Pepper side of the family decided to get together on Christmas day this past year.  Usually it happens a couple days after Christmas.  Brandon had to work at 5:30 but my mom and I didn't want him to be at home all day Christmas day until he went to work so Brandon and I spent the night Christmas Eve at my moms and got up early Christmas day to head to Liberty, IN where my moms oldest brother lives.  We got their early and left around 2:30 to get Brandon back to work on time.  My car was in Huntington but it was quicker for us to just go straight to Fort Wayne and back to Huntington.  So mom and I dropped off Brandon at work and picked up Dayze and went to China Buffet.  Nothing like Chinese on Christmas day!  We got back to Huntington and watched The Sound of Music.

My mom, Brandon, and I opened presents the Wednesday after Christmas.  Mom came up here to Fort Wayne.  My dad was always the one to make us wait for presents.  We would eat our Christmas dinner, (maybe weasel him into letting us open one present before dinner), then to the living room where dad read the Christmas story and then presents.  However when mom came up for Christmas she was so excited about the gifts she got us we opened them first.  I told her that if dad had still been here, he would've made us wait!

One of the last trips my parents made together to Fort Wayne, the stopped at Hallmark and bought us all mugs.  Mine reads "Daughter-Watching you grow has gifted us with the understanding that our lives have been brought together for a reason.  Your love has fostered our spiritual growth.  The bonds we share are everlasting".  Knowing my father read those words and knowing I can read them now means everything to me.  It's just a mug to anyone else but to me it's a connection to knowing my father loved me the way a father should. 

I hurts more now then it did April 21st 2011.



These pictures were taken Christmas 2010, the last Christmas with my dad.

 Dad reading the Christmas story for us.

 Dayze and her Papaw Bill playing with his favorite toy, the iPod Touch

 I got dad the movie "Where Eagles Dare", an old WW II movie that we used to watch in PNG.  He hadn't seen it since we left home many many years ago.

 I came into the house wearing the Penn State hoodie you see here.  Dad didn't know I had gotten him a matching one. :)

 I also came in wearing the purple scarf seen here.  My mother didn't realize I had gotten her the pink and mauve one, also seen here, for Christmas. 

Josh Garrels and the Civil War

I'm currently sitting on the couch listening to Josh Garrels and I have the living room to myself. Brandon is away visiting family and Dayze is STILL in bed.  (She takes after her mother A LOT). 

Tomorrow is my first final for this semester.  It's for History 101.  We have to write a take home essay and then we have a in class portion as well.  The essay is about what were the causes and consequences of the Civil War and Reconstruction.  Man-o-man could I use dads expertise in this area.  He knew about all the battles and the generals and knew just about everything there was about his birth place, Gettysburg, PA.  He read countless books and watched all the Civil War movies.  Between his father and dad, we have our own Civil War and World War II library. 

Times like these make me feel like my father was a figment of my imagination.  I know he existed but it feels like my entire life was a dream and now I've awoken to find that everything I knew was just my imagination.  It's like I've become so attached to that dream that I don't know how to exist myself anymore.  

The day before dad died, I spent most of the day with him at the hospice home.  I played Josh Garrels for him.  He was in and out of sleep but it helped to soothe my soul.  When he would wake up I would make sure he heard the song The Rabbit and The Bear.  Not only because it's one of my favs but because there is a didgeridoo used in the song and I knew dad would enjoy it.  

Like I wrote in the last post, life is getting increasingly harder and harder without him.  I hate feeling like he was just a dream.  I hate living without him. 

Christmas Carols

I was doing the nightly cleaning at work last night and started to tear up as I became more aware of the Christmas music that was playing.  My dad usually sang in the Christmas Eve choir.  I haven't been able to go for the past 4 years because of work but this year I asked to have the early shift on Christmas Eve even though it will probably mean working 8-5 since we close at 6 Christmas Eve, but I hope to be able to make it to College Park Church in time on Christmas Eve to be there with my mom.

It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him.  It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life.  I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.

My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.

Security Blanket

On Thanksgiving, we always go to my uncle's in Brookville, IN.  Today is no different.  But at the same time entirely different.

My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't.  But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher.  My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in.  My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in. 

This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever.  Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either. 



Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew. 

Mud and Rage

I don't have any more homework than usual.  Work is the same.  (Can't get much different!)  I rarely see my husband but that's been the case for months.  Really, things are how they usually are but I am producing some of the worse homework of my life.  I can't think.  I can't find the words I want to use.  The word I'm looking for is constantly on the tip of my tongue and never in my fingers ready to be typed.  It's beyond aggravating!

I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not.  I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet.  I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today.  The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here.  I wouldn't need time off of school.  I wouldn't need time of off life in general.  There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!!  I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more.  I HATE that he isn't here.  I HATE that I'm feeling this way.

And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know.  But it will be okay."  He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I.  He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it".  Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.

Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress.  I'll never forget that night.  After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch.  My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills.  Like always, my dad was being the mediator.  It was just him and I in the living room.  (Mom was in the computer room).  He asked me if I had someone to talk too.  He could tell that everything was getting to me.  (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics).  I just started bawling.  He said that he knew what it was like.  And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt.  Yes, he had lost both of his parents.  But they had both lived long and good lives.  He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be.  I'll never forget that night.  I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves.  I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles. 

I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday.  I could finally tell her I felt completely alone.  Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned.  Most of the time, it was 2 against 2.  Now it's 2 against 1.

I have all this rage that I never had before.  And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world.  I hate that time is going on without him.  I hate that he isn't here!

Sorry for this angry post.

6 months.

It is incredibly hard to wrap my mind around my dad being gone 6 months today.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.

Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.

I feel life going back to normal.  That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression.  (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping).  But a part of me feels like he has always been gone.  This part, I hate more than anything.  It's so hard to explain.  I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes.  When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth.  But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.  

It cry almost every time during worship at church.  I can hear my dad singing.  I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head.  He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing.  He had such a beautiful voice.  And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.

My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days.  We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's.  But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class.  So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else.  Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series.  Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional.  Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together.  We would go see them in the theaters.  Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean.  He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings.  One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare.  It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas.  I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday.  I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas.  He was so thrilled. 

Everything reminds me of him.  Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.

I miss him with everything I am.  I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.

Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze