3 months.

Today marks 3 months since my dad has been gone.

It getting harder and harder to be without him.  I struggle by the hour.  Some days are better than others but some are way worse than others.  My mind won't stop reeling.  As I laid down for bed last night all I could think about was the night the hospice home called me to tell me he probably won't make it until I got there.  3 months ago at this very time Brandon, my mom, and I were all getting ready to leave the hospice home. Without my dad.

I not only struggle to be without my dad but to also with other peoples problems.  That sounds so insensitive.  And it is.  It's hard to know that people are just carrying on with their lives and have forgotten what pain and huge sorrow I'm dealing with.  That sounds conceited.  And it is.  I don't want people to go out of their way and think about me but then again I want the whole world to stop.

My mom is going to try to keep the house.  The 3rd most difficult thing we've been dealing with is all the financial stuff.  She has got almost all the medical bills from my dad taken care of which has been wonderful.  But about a year ago I think, wires were crossed between my dad and the life insurance he had been paying on for 15+ years.  Lets just saw my mom didn't send up with much at all.

I hate having to see my mom struggle and have to decide whether or not she can keep the house and what expenses she has to get rid of.  Everyone keeps telling her not make any decisions in the first year but she has been forced too.  No one should have to do that. 

Luckily she thinks she will be able to keep the house.  She has planned to rent out the two extra rooms to college students this year to help her reach the amount needed every month in order to keep the house.  She is excited about it.  We did this for a couple years when we lived in the house on Guilford St.  It just shouldn't have come to that.  It just adds to the already down and hurt me.

This is such a excruciating hurt and pain.  Not only does today mark 3 months since he has been gone but 2 months that I've been married.  I know Brandon understands to the fullest extent that he can how much I hurt and how much I'm struggling.  He never had parents like mine.  My in-laws are complete opposite of my parents.  Even though I didn't marry into awesome in-laws like Brandon did, I'm so grateful that he got to see what a stable, true, honest, wonderful, loving, Christian marriage can look like.  Brandon was close with my dad.  I know he misses my dad immensely.  When my dad became unable to leave the house, Brandon would always go down to Huntington even on days I couldn't and talk with my dad and play the Wii, always making sure they were games my dad could play sitting down.  Brandon and my dad were a lot alike--both love history and love to read and learn all the can about history.  Both so selfless in their actions.  Brandon hasn't played the Wii since my dad has died and I know it's because of my dad.

I remember the very night I told my parents I was dating a older man. My brother had been dating a girl a year younger than I and it was causing my parents lots of white hairs.  So when I was taken back by a guy that was a year older than my brother I was SSOOOO nervous to tell them and even left them in the dark about it for awhile just to make sure that I wouldn't be wasting their time on getting to know this guy if it wasn't going to work out.  When I realized that this guy was going to be around for awhile at least, I knew I had to break the news to my parents.  It was a Friday night and I remember my dad sitting on the couch talking about my brother and this younger girl.  I can see it now-- "So, what would you say if I was dating a older guy?" I said.  "Well, how much older?" dad replied.  I cringed and got ready for the reaction.  "7 years" I said.  There was a pause and you could see my dads eyes pondering this.  "Well, how old will you be in a couple months?" he asked.  "19" I replied.  Another pause.  "Well, you are much more mature than your brother ever was at your age and I trust you are making wise decisions."  It took everything inside of me to keep from jumping for joy and to keep my jaw up from the floor.  Knowing my parents didn't approve of my brothers relationship I was terrified of what they would think of mine.  That same night, all 3 of us went up to Bob Evans were Brandon was serving at the time.  Brandon didn't know I broke the news to my parents.  We asked to be seated in Brandon's section and Brandon got a pleasant surprise.  My parents were hesitant at first.  Naturally.  I don't blame them.  But Brandon sure won them over.  I swear Brandon always gets the first hugs from my mom when we see her.  Even Quinton always asks where Brandon is if he isn't there or will gravitate towards Brandon if he is.  I'm so lucky how much my dad loved Brandon and how much Brandon loved him in return.