Chocolate Cake

Bought myself a piece of chocolate cake today.  The same chocolate cake I bought for my daddie for Fathers Day last year and the year before that.

I feel like I will never to 100% myself again.  I feel so hurt to my core.  I feel so angry and so mad.  Words aren't can't even begin to explain.  I miss him so deeply and so strongly.  I've never imagined in a million years I would be going through this.  It's always someone else.  These kind of things never happen to "me".  I suppose it can be compared to someone who has gone through a hurricane or some huge storm and lost everything.  Except at this point, I'd rather lose all my belongings just to have my daddie back.

He was in my dream two nights ago.  In my dream I knew he had died.  My mom and I were walking by a forest and we look over and see a man walking towards us from the forest wearing a Cubs t-shirt.  We realize it's my dad and we're so confused.  I stop in my tracks and I start to cry and say "You're not supposed to be here.  You're dead!  What are you doing here??"  He gives me a hug around the shoulder and says, "It's ok.  I'm here"  I could feel his hand around me.  I could picture his hands and his freckly arm.  I could see his baby blue eyes and his silvery hair. 

I miss him with everything I am.  I know some of you unfortunately can relate to my situation but for the most of you, I wish you're parents will die old.  I wish this pain upon no one.

This is a posting my dad wrote on Facebook after I wrote the March 10th blog posting titled 'Untitled'.  It shows how truly selfless and devoted he was...

Kristi, you made me cry again! I am a blessed man to a loving wife and two great kids that love me dearly.
I'm glad you are able to express your frustration and anger with God. But I am also glad that you recognize God's hand protecting me ...through these many years after the Hodgkin's disease since 1976! I am especially please that God brought you and Benji into my life to have someone call me Dad! We serve a God who does know our pain! Jesus suffered more than I can even imagine! He pleaded with his father to take this suffering away. But in the end, He followed His Father's will.
I don't like this road we are on but I sense this holding my hand. This hand has a scar right in the middle. He is going to walk us through this. He understands our pain and grief.

I love you and Benji!

Your Dad




It's been INCREDIBLY hard for me to put effort into anything these days.  I'm so much more irritated faster and easier than ever now.  When people start talking about their problems that can't even begin to compare to my situation I go into attack mode.  Unless you have lost a parent too young, you don't know what I'm going through.  It seems harsh, but what I'm going through is off the charts compared to what you are-----this is how I feel.   


It's also incredibly hard to be forgotten.  Once dad died, the letters stopped.  The "how are you doing" stopped.  It's hard to be forgotten when you're in such a enormous amount of pain.  I know life goes on but I'm still just as hurt if not more than ever.  I feel so guilty for not mentioning to my friends who have lost a parent to early that they still remain in my mind, now more than ever.