Belonging???

Yesterday there was a benefit in honor of my dad for my mom to help out with bills and whatever else she needs.

A lot of people showed up!  A lot of people I didn't expect to show up which really meant a lot including 3 out of the 4 of Brandon's sisters and moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen.

It was great to have so much family there and to see those who came to the benefit.  I was so happy that they made the effort and wanted to be there.  It just sucked entirely that the reason we were all gathered together is because my dad is dead. 

I'm so glad that most people don't have to go through this journey that I am now.  It is not for just anyone to experience.  What made God think I could handle this I have NO idea. 

There are hourly reminders that he is gone.  I hate waking up knowing at the end of the day marks another day that time has passed and it's now 6 weeks since he's been gone.  I dread everyday.  I dread knowing that someday I'll have to say "he's been gone for a year, for five years, for ten". 

Mom seems to be handling it as best she can.  I truly believe that my dad having cancer back in the 70's prepared her for imagining life without her husband.  It doesn't hurt that her therapy is to talk and she has gotten a lot of opportunity to do such.

Besides the fact that dad is gone, one of THE hardest things is to listen to people stories of how their life is horrible.  I know they don't mean to be insensitive but it's just sssoooooooooo hard. 

Mom and I went to the 509 Community, a church in Huntington, last Sunday to see a good friend of ours, Nabrissa, that was on a short furlough from Senegal, Africa and we stayed for most of the service.  I had gone to the 509 for 6 years.   Nabrissa and her husband Tim decided to go to Senegal a year ago and Brandon and I decided then to leave the 509.  We loved the preacher, Heath and seeing Tim and Nabrissa every week, but nothing else.  But since Nabrissa was in town and was there, we went to see her.  My mom was greeted by the new pastor and others before the service.  Afterwards my mom mentioned how strange it was for everyone to say hi to her and ask how she was doing when no one asked about me yet I had been the one to go there for 6 years.  I hadn't thought about that until she said something.  I told her, I wouldn't expect them to even know my name.  And it's true-the new pastor introduced himself to me yesterday at the benefit apolizing he didn't earlier last Sunday when I'm pretty sure I've been going to that church longer than him.  Like I said, we loved the way Heath taught and seeing Tim and Nabrissa, and that was it. 

It's so hard to find that niche.  That community sense.  I left College Park (my parents church) half way thru high school because it wasn't there.  I stayed at a church were a girl who had been going to the 509 less than I introduced herself to me like I was new.  We now go to Emmanuel in Fort Wayne but one of the biggest churches in Fort Wayne.  We are foruntate enough to have another married couple who we've created a great bond with that goes there which is why we found ourselves there.

At such a time I crave for the feeling of belonging.  I've always struggled with never feeling like I belong.  I'm a Mexican-American who was adopted, grew up in Papua New Guinea and now live in Fort Wayne, IN.  Where do I belong to begin with?  Where is home?  Let alone to feel so alone spiritually.  Not in the sense that I don't feel God's presence but in the sense that there is no Christian community.  I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this for years.  And now when I need it the most, it's no where to be found.