Firsts.

I had already thought about what the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthdays would be like without dad.  Granted it will be way worse than I can imagine when the time comes.  But there are ssooooooooo many more firsts that didn't cross my mind.  Like the first trip to West Harrison, IN (where my moms youngest brother lives) and Brookville, IN (where my moms middle brother lives).  The last 4 years of traveling down there to see family we always took my car but my dad drove.  I always sat behind my dad when my mom and brother or Brandon were along.  Since my dad had longer legs and I had shorter, it was just a given that I would always sit behind him.  This past weekend my cousin had his graduation in West Harrison and my mom went down for it.  The first trip without dad.  I so desperately wanted to be staring at the little opening of the back of his Cubs hat and see his silvery hair in my seat behind his.  I so desperately wanted him to be there when there was no one to talk to so I could just go to where he was and lock arms and just stand and listen to his conversation.  Or find him and take his iPod Touch out of his belt clip or shirt pocket and try to beat his score on Centipede.  I so desperately wanted...want him to be.

I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books.  This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day.  And it makes me beyond furious!!!  It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.   

I don't cry anymore.  I weep.  Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent.  It's being so completely and utterly crushed .

My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.

After dad just did the bike part of a triathlon--15 mile bike ride