I don't have any more homework than usual. Work is the same. (Can't get much different!) I rarely see my husband but that's been the case for months. Really, things are how they usually are but I am producing some of the worse homework of my life. I can't think. I can't find the words I want to use. The word I'm looking for is constantly on the tip of my tongue and never in my fingers ready to be typed. It's beyond aggravating!
I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not. I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet. I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today. The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here. I wouldn't need time off of school. I wouldn't need time of off life in general. There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!! I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I'm feeling this way.
And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know. But it will be okay." He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I. He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it". Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.
Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress. I'll never forget that night. After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch. My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills. Like always, my dad was being the mediator. It was just him and I in the living room. (Mom was in the computer room). He asked me if I had someone to talk too. He could tell that everything was getting to me. (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics). I just started bawling. He said that he knew what it was like. And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt. Yes, he had lost both of his parents. But they had both lived long and good lives. He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be. I'll never forget that night. I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves. I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles.
I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday. I could finally tell her I felt completely alone. Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned. Most of the time, it was 2 against 2. Now it's 2 against 1.
I have all this rage that I never had before. And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world. I hate that time is going on without him. I hate that he isn't here!
Sorry for this angry post.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
6 months.
It is incredibly hard to wrap my mind around my dad being gone 6 months today.
It feels like it just happened yesterday.
Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.
I feel life going back to normal. That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression. (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping). But a part of me feels like he has always been gone. This part, I hate more than anything. It's so hard to explain. I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes. When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth. But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.
It cry almost every time during worship at church. I can hear my dad singing. I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head. He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing. He had such a beautiful voice. And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.
My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days. We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's. But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class. So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else. Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series. Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional. Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together. We would go see them in the theaters. Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean. He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings. One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare. It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas. I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday. I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas. He was so thrilled.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.
I miss him with everything I am. I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.
Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze
It feels like it just happened yesterday.
Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.
I feel life going back to normal. That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression. (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping). But a part of me feels like he has always been gone. This part, I hate more than anything. It's so hard to explain. I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes. When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth. But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.
It cry almost every time during worship at church. I can hear my dad singing. I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head. He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing. He had such a beautiful voice. And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.
My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days. We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's. But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class. So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else. Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series. Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional. Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together. We would go see them in the theaters. Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean. He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings. One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare. It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas. I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday. I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas. He was so thrilled.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.
I miss him with everything I am. I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.
Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Christmas Tree
I weep almost every day but most recently I've been stressing over the Christmas tree.
Christmas tree you say? Yes.
Why?
Because it was always up to my dad to put the tree together. He has his system. We would put it up the day after Thanksgiving. He would start from the bottom with the branches and wind around the lights as he went up. It made the tree have more lights and more wonderfulness! He would listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas cd and yes...Kenny G. I would have bought him some Pumpkin Spice coffee so he could drink it while putting up the tree. I remember last year we came over as he was in the middle of putting up the tree. He was sitting on the floor with his Colts hoodie on jiving to a Christmas song. Since he was sitting on the floor he got bombarded by Dayze.
When dad passed one of the first things I cried to Brandon about is, "who is going to put up the Christmas tree?" He was like, "It's April! Why are you worrying about a Christmas tree?".
I know it's silly but so much has already changed too much. I miss him so much everyday.
My dad loved history. He was really intrigued about John Adams. In my History 101 class last week we watched the first episode of a John Adams HBO special. I just wanted to cry right there in class. I couldn't call dad on the way home and tell him about it. It's something he would've enjoyed a lot and I couldn't share it with him.
Christmas tree you say? Yes.
Why?
Because it was always up to my dad to put the tree together. He has his system. We would put it up the day after Thanksgiving. He would start from the bottom with the branches and wind around the lights as he went up. It made the tree have more lights and more wonderfulness! He would listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas cd and yes...Kenny G. I would have bought him some Pumpkin Spice coffee so he could drink it while putting up the tree. I remember last year we came over as he was in the middle of putting up the tree. He was sitting on the floor with his Colts hoodie on jiving to a Christmas song. Since he was sitting on the floor he got bombarded by Dayze.
When dad passed one of the first things I cried to Brandon about is, "who is going to put up the Christmas tree?" He was like, "It's April! Why are you worrying about a Christmas tree?".
I know it's silly but so much has already changed too much. I miss him so much everyday.
My dad loved history. He was really intrigued about John Adams. In my History 101 class last week we watched the first episode of a John Adams HBO special. I just wanted to cry right there in class. I couldn't call dad on the way home and tell him about it. It's something he would've enjoyed a lot and I couldn't share it with him.
Friday, October 7, 2011
This is the kind of thing that is getting a lot harder before there is any glimpse of getting better. My classes are a constant reminder of dad. Every other item I ring up at work I can somehow work back to dad. The leaves turning...my music, Dayze, being at moms house...everything is a constant reminder he isn't here.
When my parents decided to go on finish from Wycliffe, we went back home in the summer to sell the house and pack up and we flew back in October. As we flew back into America, the leaves were turning and my dad would constantly say, "Have I ever told you?" Which was meant, "Have I ever told you that fall is my favorite time of year?" He continued this until the end. Every fall it was... "Have I ever told you?" And then my response, "No dad, you haven't".
Last summer, like every summer of the past 6 years, my bestie Cari and I went to see Dave Matthews Band, Last year it was in Chicago at Wrigley Field. I must have sent my dad a dozen pictures of Chicago and the concert. DMB decided to make the concert we were at a live cd. Cari had pre-ordered us the cd and I was ssoooo excited! I told my dad and couldn't wait to share it with him. We never got a chance to listen to it together. Dad knew my passion for DMB. He even downloaded the DMB app on his iPod Touch for me. We came over for dinner one night and he handed me the iPod with the DMB app pulled up and said, "Got you something". He loved the saxophonist of DMB and I loved sharing the music with him.
About 4 1/2 years ago I had told my parents that Brandon and I were considering getting a dog. My mom was not okay with the idea and let me know about it. Well, that didn't stop with falling in love with Dayze the first time I set eyes on her and then twisting Brandon's arm into letting her stay at his place. The day after we got her, I took her over to my parents house. My mom wasn't home but my dad was. I called him and told him to come outside. He came out and took one look at Dayze and started laughing. The grass was taller than her and the tiniest collar I could find was still too big for her. She didn't even weigh a pound. But dad loved her. Dayze is not a fan of men. In fact she hates any strange man with a passion. But Dayze and her Papaw Bill, they were amazing together. Even when he was sick, she would stay on his lap and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
I completely and fully understand why they call it a broken heart.
When my parents decided to go on finish from Wycliffe, we went back home in the summer to sell the house and pack up and we flew back in October. As we flew back into America, the leaves were turning and my dad would constantly say, "Have I ever told you?" Which was meant, "Have I ever told you that fall is my favorite time of year?" He continued this until the end. Every fall it was... "Have I ever told you?" And then my response, "No dad, you haven't".
Last summer, like every summer of the past 6 years, my bestie Cari and I went to see Dave Matthews Band, Last year it was in Chicago at Wrigley Field. I must have sent my dad a dozen pictures of Chicago and the concert. DMB decided to make the concert we were at a live cd. Cari had pre-ordered us the cd and I was ssoooo excited! I told my dad and couldn't wait to share it with him. We never got a chance to listen to it together. Dad knew my passion for DMB. He even downloaded the DMB app on his iPod Touch for me. We came over for dinner one night and he handed me the iPod with the DMB app pulled up and said, "Got you something". He loved the saxophonist of DMB and I loved sharing the music with him.
About 4 1/2 years ago I had told my parents that Brandon and I were considering getting a dog. My mom was not okay with the idea and let me know about it. Well, that didn't stop with falling in love with Dayze the first time I set eyes on her and then twisting Brandon's arm into letting her stay at his place. The day after we got her, I took her over to my parents house. My mom wasn't home but my dad was. I called him and told him to come outside. He came out and took one look at Dayze and started laughing. The grass was taller than her and the tiniest collar I could find was still too big for her. She didn't even weigh a pound. But dad loved her. Dayze is not a fan of men. In fact she hates any strange man with a passion. But Dayze and her Papaw Bill, they were amazing together. Even when he was sick, she would stay on his lap and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
I completely and fully understand why they call it a broken heart.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Psalms 71:17
This past Friday would've been my parents 38th wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would have this huge affect on me. I am so hurt that my mom had to spend it without my dad. So mad that he wasn't here.
I got her flowers. We both cried.
That same day (Friday) my mom, Brandon and I went to northern Kentucky for a wedding-one of my friends who I grew up with overseas was getting married. I was grateful we got to go. Brandon and I had already had plans to go but mom said she was going to go to a choir retreat that weekend. When we got closer to the day she decided she wanted to spend time with Benji, Toni (my brother and sister-in-law) and Mason (my youngest nephew) in Elkhart, IN and with Brandon and I. So she went up to Elkhart Thursday and Friday we went to the wedding.
There weren't that many missionary friends at the wedding but it was great that she got to see Annie and Kim (the brides mother and father) who she has known since 1991.
It was the first wedding we all had been to since dad had died and since Brandon and I got married. Megan (the bride) had grown up in Papua New Guinea since she was 3 and graduated from the high school there. Her now husband, Ilir, had grown up in Albania and come the states a couple years ago. His family was unable to come over to the states for the wedding but he had lots of support there. It was emotionally just being a wedding but it was also emotional because there was this jealously that Megan's dad was there to walk her down the isle and to give her away but also huge gratefulness that he was there for her.
Three guys that had also been MK's from Papua New Guinea were also there, Daniel, Clint, and Alex. I had grown up with Daniel and met Clint and Alex when I went back in 2005. It was SO great to see them and to catch up.
It was a beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple and I'm so glad we got to be there for it.
In any situation I can always picture would dad would be doing-his mannerisms-how he would move his head, how he would move his arms, how polite he would be, how and when he would laugh. He would've loved to see Annie and Kim again.
It's been 4 months since yesterday. And I remain feeling so out of place. I remain feeling in such disbelief that it hurts my head. My heart hurts more now that ever because every day I realized just a little bit more that I'm never going to see my dad on this earth. I wept so intensely last night because all I want to go at the end of today is to pick up the phone and tell my dad how my first day of school went. I know we would have lots to talk about this semester with having 2 history classes, Multicultural Studies, and Cultural Anthropology. He'd want to see my history books so he could look through them and I'd probably talk his ear off about things I'd learn in the other two classes.
It's such a struggle to wrap my head around why it was him. I know people say not to dwell on the why but it's a struggle not too. When there are so many people who actually deserve it, who lie and steal and drink themselves away every night and nothing happens to them. But then I have to switch gears in my thinking and remember that I serve a jealous God. Why wouldn't he want my dad up there in Heaven with him?
When we've been able to make it to the church we are currently attending, we've been studying Elijah and Elisha. Yesterday Pastor Denny talked about what legacy would you leave. If I could be selfless, honest and true, devoted to helping anyone and everyone, devoted to my family and devoted to God so intensely as my dad was, if i could live half the legacy my dad did, I'd be grateful. The verse that was given as a life verse today was Psalms 71:17
O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God do for not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those that come.
My daddie did just that.
I got her flowers. We both cried.
That same day (Friday) my mom, Brandon and I went to northern Kentucky for a wedding-one of my friends who I grew up with overseas was getting married. I was grateful we got to go. Brandon and I had already had plans to go but mom said she was going to go to a choir retreat that weekend. When we got closer to the day she decided she wanted to spend time with Benji, Toni (my brother and sister-in-law) and Mason (my youngest nephew) in Elkhart, IN and with Brandon and I. So she went up to Elkhart Thursday and Friday we went to the wedding.
There weren't that many missionary friends at the wedding but it was great that she got to see Annie and Kim (the brides mother and father) who she has known since 1991.
It was the first wedding we all had been to since dad had died and since Brandon and I got married. Megan (the bride) had grown up in Papua New Guinea since she was 3 and graduated from the high school there. Her now husband, Ilir, had grown up in Albania and come the states a couple years ago. His family was unable to come over to the states for the wedding but he had lots of support there. It was emotionally just being a wedding but it was also emotional because there was this jealously that Megan's dad was there to walk her down the isle and to give her away but also huge gratefulness that he was there for her.
Three guys that had also been MK's from Papua New Guinea were also there, Daniel, Clint, and Alex. I had grown up with Daniel and met Clint and Alex when I went back in 2005. It was SO great to see them and to catch up.
It was a beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple and I'm so glad we got to be there for it.
In any situation I can always picture would dad would be doing-his mannerisms-how he would move his head, how he would move his arms, how polite he would be, how and when he would laugh. He would've loved to see Annie and Kim again.
It's been 4 months since yesterday. And I remain feeling so out of place. I remain feeling in such disbelief that it hurts my head. My heart hurts more now that ever because every day I realized just a little bit more that I'm never going to see my dad on this earth. I wept so intensely last night because all I want to go at the end of today is to pick up the phone and tell my dad how my first day of school went. I know we would have lots to talk about this semester with having 2 history classes, Multicultural Studies, and Cultural Anthropology. He'd want to see my history books so he could look through them and I'd probably talk his ear off about things I'd learn in the other two classes.
It's such a struggle to wrap my head around why it was him. I know people say not to dwell on the why but it's a struggle not too. When there are so many people who actually deserve it, who lie and steal and drink themselves away every night and nothing happens to them. But then I have to switch gears in my thinking and remember that I serve a jealous God. Why wouldn't he want my dad up there in Heaven with him?
When we've been able to make it to the church we are currently attending, we've been studying Elijah and Elisha. Yesterday Pastor Denny talked about what legacy would you leave. If I could be selfless, honest and true, devoted to helping anyone and everyone, devoted to my family and devoted to God so intensely as my dad was, if i could live half the legacy my dad did, I'd be grateful. The verse that was given as a life verse today was Psalms 71:17
O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God do for not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those that come.
My daddie did just that.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Shards that Shatter
I found out today that a MK (missionary kid) friend of mine lost his mother. We were in the same class and he is one of the ones that was there when we left as a family and was there when I returned in 2005.
It's so amazing how your heart can already be in pieces because of your own pain and then it will find the biggest of those already tiny shards and shatter even more. It breaks my heart to know I already have friends out there who have lost a father or mother at this young age but then when it happens again, it's equally if not more heart breaking because I know exactly what they are going though. This is not the kind of club you want to belong to.
My heart truly goes out to the Walkers. I know all to well that you are feeling.
It's so amazing how your heart can already be in pieces because of your own pain and then it will find the biggest of those already tiny shards and shatter even more. It breaks my heart to know I already have friends out there who have lost a father or mother at this young age but then when it happens again, it's equally if not more heart breaking because I know exactly what they are going though. This is not the kind of club you want to belong to.
My heart truly goes out to the Walkers. I know all to well that you are feeling.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Firsts.
I had already thought about what the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthdays would be like without dad. Granted it will be way worse than I can imagine when the time comes. But there are ssooooooooo many more firsts that didn't cross my mind. Like the first trip to West Harrison, IN (where my moms youngest brother lives) and Brookville, IN (where my moms middle brother lives). The last 4 years of traveling down there to see family we always took my car but my dad drove. I always sat behind my dad when my mom and brother or Brandon were along. Since my dad had longer legs and I had shorter, it was just a given that I would always sit behind him. This past weekend my cousin had his graduation in West Harrison and my mom went down for it. The first trip without dad. I so desperately wanted to be staring at the little opening of the back of his Cubs hat and see his silvery hair in my seat behind his. I so desperately wanted him to be there when there was no one to talk to so I could just go to where he was and lock arms and just stand and listen to his conversation. Or find him and take his iPod Touch out of his belt clip or shirt pocket and try to beat his score on Centipede. I so desperately wanted...want him to be.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
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| After dad just did the bike part of a triathlon--15 mile bike ride |
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