We just don't know...

Tonight my dad was able to leave the hospital.  Things are still up in the air for everything.  I don't think my parents have had much time to even think what the next step is with all the visitors, phone calls, nurses in and out.  My poor padre would just fall asleep and it would never fail for someone to come in poking and prodding at him.  My dad mentioned that the only way to get a doctor to come see him was to fall asleep.

My parents wanted to tell their brothers and sisters the news before everyone else.  But because there are 5 on my mothers and 2 on my dads and the emotional weight that comes with breaking this kind of new, it has gone slow.

Like I wrote in my last post, wedding bells have rung.  It's in both my bucket list and my dads for him to walk me down the isle.

We found out Friday he didn't have much time here on earth with us so that night Brandon and I did a lot of crying (I did all of it really) and talking about "our" furture.  I had already made up my mind since the 10th that if we did find out my dad didn't have long, we would move fast on the wedding.  But...I hadn't told Brandon.  I kept it to myself because I didn't want to speak the words unless I had too.  And...I did.  So I asked Brandon and he was all for it.

We found out "the news" on Friday night and I knew I had to open at work on Saturday.  It was past closing time Friday when we found out but I was able to let them know I was not going to be in for my shift Saturday.  I knew I wasn't gonna be able to concentrate or even stop crying and no one wants a cashier checking them out who can't stop balling.  So Saturday I woke up and cried myself awake.  I took a shower and yelled at God.  My poor loofah and shower wall got a good beating. 

After getting ready for the day, Brandon and I headed to the mall.  Being a girl, I had a idea in my head of a possible engagment ring.  A amythest and square cut.  We found one I like at the Glenbrook mall so we headed there.  I looked to see if it was still there and then I decided to look at the other two jewlery places right next door.  We got to the second one and were sold.

I found one I like better than the first and the price was right.  We had told the seller that this was intended to be my engagement ring and what could we do about a wedding band.  He took us to another case and had the perfect fit!  So we bought them and took them straight to the hospital.  My brother Benji, and his wife Toni, had come down from Elkhart, IN to spend the day with us.  After making our entrance, we mentioned what we had done earlier that day.

I saw my daddie cry for the 6th time in my life.

Since Brandon had not asked me yet, I wasn't wearing it but we took them out and my daddie assured me with tears in his eyes that it would look lovely on my finger.  Both my parents were tearing up but my mom was screaming AND crying.  It was a great time and memory.

When my brother and sister-in-law were there at the hospital we had lots of visitors.  We (Brandon and I) were kinda on the sidelines of the room.  Everyone was talking and not paying attention to us so I wanted to look at the ring again.  Brandon took it from me and asked, put in my finger and their it has remained since 3pm Saturday afternoon.

TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO IDEA when or where or anything for that matter.  We know were getting married before the Lord takes my daddie and that is about it.

We are waiting on some more tests to be done which will give us a better idea of a time line.  With the kidneys being what they are we might have to move as fast as within the next couple weeks.  Hopefully daddie will be strong enough make it till May so I won't have to get married and be in school at the same time but we just don't know yet. 

It's such a tough thing.  As a wise man once said, "You have to go through it.  You can not go around it, above it, under it, you have to go thought it".  -Jimmy O'Donnell. 

And that's what I'm going to try to do.  Key word: TRY.

Cancer.

Thursday February 10:  Found out my dad has bladder cancer.

Monday February 21:  My dad had stints put in his urethra to help drain his kidneys.  And we didn't know it but he was way to close to renal failure.  Your kidneys are supposed to work at 60.  His were working at 12 and 14 and at 10 they put you on dialysis.  So if he had waited he would've been in lots of trouble.  Thankfully they were able to put in the stints ok.  On Tuesday they had an appointment to find out what stage of cancer he had but when he woke up Tuesday he was so dizzy and nasueas that they had to reschedule.  Which was good but bad for me.  I wanted to know but I didn't so it was a weird feeling.  

Wednesday February 23:  My dad fainted and my mom had to call a ambulance.  Around 8:00pm they were taken to Lutheran Hospital in Fort Wayne, IN (a half hour from where they live and where I currently live).  Around 2:30am they were assigned a room.  Around 4:30am they got settled into a room.  

Thursday February 24:  Around 10am we (my and my boyfriend Brandon) went go see my dad.  I had to work at noon and had class at 6pm.  After work we went back to the hospital and I decided to go to class late and stuck around.  Since both my parents were taken to Lutheran in the ambulance they didn't have a car.  My dads co-worker, Dee Street, was able to come to Fort Wayne and take my mom back to Huntington to get the car and get things they had forgotten the night before.  When she was gone the specialist came and pretty much said another night is needed in the hospital.  (If you're doing the math it's almost 24 hours of waiting already).  He wanted make sure the kidneys are draining ok and everything is alright. 

Friday February 25th:  I skipped Geography class and went to the hospital to have lunch with my parents.  I had to work 2-8 and after work I had plans to go out with my friend Gywen for her birthday yesterday.  I knew my parents might find out what stage the cancer was while at was at work but there was also a chance the doctors wouldn't come and since she didn't call me while I was at work I thought everything was ok.  So I called my mom on the way to the restaurant telling them I'd just see them tomorrow.  My mom insists we both come to the hospital right way and won't tell me why after several pleas to know.  So I turn around and pick Brandon up and head back to the hospital.  

Half way there I know.  I know it's bad and I start balling.  I was driving and I don't know how we didn't get in a accident because I couldn't see.  We get there, take the long walk through the hospital, up the elevator to floor 3, down the hallway and I stop right before you turn the corner to his room.  I was hysterical.  I couldn't breathe.  All I could do was cry.  Finally, after several attempts to stop crying (with the help from Brandon) we enter my dads room.  They insist on calling my brother Benji and tell us the news at the same time.  (My brother lives in Elkhart, IN about 3 hours north of Fort Wayne).So my dad calls and puts Benji on speaker phone.  

The cancer has spread to his liver and possibly to his intestines.  He is stage 4 cancer with 3-6 months to live.

Talk about tears. 

I have seen my dad cry a total of four times.

1.  When we came back from being missionaries in Papua New Guinea and he saw his parents after 5 years.

2.  When his Uncle Bill died back in the late 90's.

3.  When his dad died

4.  When his mom died

Tonight makes 5.

Choking back tears while talking to me, my mom, my Brandon, and my brother he tells us the news.  Radiation is out the question but chemo may help prolong his life.  But with his kidneys not functioning properly, it could be shorter and the 3-6 months. 

This is all thanks in part to the 42 radiation treatments he received while battling Hodgkins disease back in the 70's.  The radiation basically fried his insides.  Back then Hodgkins was 90% fatal.  That's right, my daddie was in the 10% survival rate.  10%!!!!!!  The doctors tonight told him that most people who had it back then aren't alive today and most of them who did survive the Hodgkins have passed over 10 to 15 years ago because their bodies couldn't handle what the radiation did to them.  My dad made it 33 years.  Not only did was he in the 10% survival rate but he doubled the amount of time he should have had.  The Lord is good!

So what does this mean?  A lot of questions and lots of tears.

A neat thing that happened tonight is we finally talked about something that has been on all four of our minds.  My parents have talked about it and Brandon and I have talked about it but never have we all four talked about it.  A wedding.  You read right.  A wedding.  I already made up my mind since the 10th that if we got the news that we did today Brandon and I would speed things up.  So...we are.  We've been dating for over 4 years and have wanted to get married but money and never the right time has always held us back.  But I'm determined to have my daddie walk me down the isle.  My dad made sure it was something we wanted and by golly it is.  I've wanted to marry Brandon  (and vice versa) for some time but I also want my main man to be beside me down that isle.  Nothing is set in stone and we still have things to work out and find out.  

I'm in total disbelief.  This can't be happening.  This can't be happening to us!  But it is.  One is not supposed to lose their father this way and this soon.  One isn't supposed to live with out their spouse so soon. 

I have my second nephew to be born April 9th.  My parents 2nd grandchild.  But what about my children??  My dad will never be there for the first 7 1/2 years like he was for Quinton.  My brother commented on a picture of my mom and dad and me this past Christmas.  It dawned on me that there will probably be no more Christmas's all together.  It's just too much.  It's not fair.  I know he doubled his time surviving Hodgkins but I want him to triple!!!!   I NEED him to triple!!! 

Why does this crap happen to the best?  Someone please tell me why?  

I guess because the Lord is selfish too.  He wants the best with Him too.  And I can't really blame Him but so do I.  I should be thankful for the extra 33 years but I want 99 years.  

I don't want to live without either of my parents.  I don't want them to possibly miss my wedding or my children or my graduating college.  They HAVE to be there!!!!!!!!!!

But they are not going to be.  At least not both of them in person.

My stomach is in knots.  My eyes stinging from all the tears and my cheeks and nose I'm afraid are permanently red. 

I don't want to work or go to school ever again.  But I have to in order to survive.  There is rent to worry about and car payment and electric bills and if I quit school now I'd be worse off.  But to go and act like everything is ok....it's going to be one of the hardest things in my 24 years.  And I thought flying around the world by myself when I was 18 was the worst thing ever...it's a piece of cake compared to this!!!  

I'll try to keep this updated as currently as possible.  It's been really neat to hear from people that I haven't talked to in awhile or missionary friends who I have no idea how they found out.  Technology is wonderful!  Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts and messages.  If I don't respond directly back to you, don't feel neglected.  Sometimes it's just too difficult. 

Thanks go out to each and every one of you.  Please pray for strength and courage for all of us.

-Kristi