I'm currently sitting on the couch listening to Josh Garrels and I have the living room to myself. Brandon is away visiting family and Dayze is STILL in bed. (She takes after her mother A LOT).
Tomorrow is my first final for this semester. It's for History 101. We have to write a take home essay and then we have a in class portion as well. The essay is about what were the causes and consequences of the Civil War and Reconstruction. Man-o-man could I use dads expertise in this area. He knew about all the battles and the generals and knew just about everything there was about his birth place, Gettysburg, PA. He read countless books and watched all the Civil War movies. Between his father and dad, we have our own Civil War and World War II library.
Times like these make me feel like my father was a figment of my imagination. I know he existed but it feels like my entire life was a dream and now I've awoken to find that everything I knew was just my imagination. It's like I've become so attached to that dream that I don't know how to exist myself anymore.
The day before dad died, I spent most of the day with him at the hospice home. I played Josh Garrels for him. He was in and out of sleep but it helped to soothe my soul. When he would wake up I would make sure he heard the song The Rabbit and The Bear. Not only because it's one of my favs but because there is a didgeridoo used in the song and I knew dad would enjoy it.
Like I wrote in the last post, life is getting increasingly harder and harder without him. I hate feeling like he was just a dream. I hate living without him.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Christmas Carols
I was doing the nightly cleaning at work last night and started to tear up as I became more aware of the Christmas music that was playing. My dad usually sang in the Christmas Eve choir. I haven't been able to go for the past 4 years because of work but this year I asked to have the early shift on Christmas Eve even though it will probably mean working 8-5 since we close at 6 Christmas Eve, but I hope to be able to make it to College Park Church in time on Christmas Eve to be there with my mom.
It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him. It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life. I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.
My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.
It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him. It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life. I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.
My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Security Blanket
On Thanksgiving, we always go to my uncle's in Brookville, IN. Today is no different. But at the same time entirely different.
My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't. But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher. My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in. My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in.
This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever. Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew.
My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't. But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher. My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in. My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in.
This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever. Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Mud and Rage
I don't have any more homework than usual. Work is the same. (Can't get much different!) I rarely see my husband but that's been the case for months. Really, things are how they usually are but I am producing some of the worse homework of my life. I can't think. I can't find the words I want to use. The word I'm looking for is constantly on the tip of my tongue and never in my fingers ready to be typed. It's beyond aggravating!
I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not. I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet. I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today. The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here. I wouldn't need time off of school. I wouldn't need time of off life in general. There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!! I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I'm feeling this way.
And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know. But it will be okay." He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I. He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it". Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.
Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress. I'll never forget that night. After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch. My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills. Like always, my dad was being the mediator. It was just him and I in the living room. (Mom was in the computer room). He asked me if I had someone to talk too. He could tell that everything was getting to me. (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics). I just started bawling. He said that he knew what it was like. And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt. Yes, he had lost both of his parents. But they had both lived long and good lives. He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be. I'll never forget that night. I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves. I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles.
I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday. I could finally tell her I felt completely alone. Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned. Most of the time, it was 2 against 2. Now it's 2 against 1.
I have all this rage that I never had before. And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world. I hate that time is going on without him. I hate that he isn't here!
Sorry for this angry post.
I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not. I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet. I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today. The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here. I wouldn't need time off of school. I wouldn't need time of off life in general. There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!! I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I'm feeling this way.
And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know. But it will be okay." He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I. He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it". Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.
Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress. I'll never forget that night. After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch. My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills. Like always, my dad was being the mediator. It was just him and I in the living room. (Mom was in the computer room). He asked me if I had someone to talk too. He could tell that everything was getting to me. (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics). I just started bawling. He said that he knew what it was like. And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt. Yes, he had lost both of his parents. But they had both lived long and good lives. He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be. I'll never forget that night. I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves. I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles.
I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday. I could finally tell her I felt completely alone. Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned. Most of the time, it was 2 against 2. Now it's 2 against 1.
I have all this rage that I never had before. And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world. I hate that time is going on without him. I hate that he isn't here!
Sorry for this angry post.
Friday, October 21, 2011
6 months.
It is incredibly hard to wrap my mind around my dad being gone 6 months today.
It feels like it just happened yesterday.
Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.
I feel life going back to normal. That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression. (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping). But a part of me feels like he has always been gone. This part, I hate more than anything. It's so hard to explain. I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes. When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth. But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.
It cry almost every time during worship at church. I can hear my dad singing. I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head. He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing. He had such a beautiful voice. And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.
My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days. We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's. But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class. So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else. Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series. Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional. Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together. We would go see them in the theaters. Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean. He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings. One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare. It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas. I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday. I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas. He was so thrilled.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.
I miss him with everything I am. I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.
Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze
It feels like it just happened yesterday.
Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.
I feel life going back to normal. That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression. (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping). But a part of me feels like he has always been gone. This part, I hate more than anything. It's so hard to explain. I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes. When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth. But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.
It cry almost every time during worship at church. I can hear my dad singing. I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head. He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing. He had such a beautiful voice. And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.
My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days. We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's. But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class. So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else. Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series. Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional. Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together. We would go see them in the theaters. Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean. He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings. One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare. It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas. I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday. I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas. He was so thrilled.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.
I miss him with everything I am. I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.
Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Christmas Tree
I weep almost every day but most recently I've been stressing over the Christmas tree.
Christmas tree you say? Yes.
Why?
Because it was always up to my dad to put the tree together. He has his system. We would put it up the day after Thanksgiving. He would start from the bottom with the branches and wind around the lights as he went up. It made the tree have more lights and more wonderfulness! He would listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas cd and yes...Kenny G. I would have bought him some Pumpkin Spice coffee so he could drink it while putting up the tree. I remember last year we came over as he was in the middle of putting up the tree. He was sitting on the floor with his Colts hoodie on jiving to a Christmas song. Since he was sitting on the floor he got bombarded by Dayze.
When dad passed one of the first things I cried to Brandon about is, "who is going to put up the Christmas tree?" He was like, "It's April! Why are you worrying about a Christmas tree?".
I know it's silly but so much has already changed too much. I miss him so much everyday.
My dad loved history. He was really intrigued about John Adams. In my History 101 class last week we watched the first episode of a John Adams HBO special. I just wanted to cry right there in class. I couldn't call dad on the way home and tell him about it. It's something he would've enjoyed a lot and I couldn't share it with him.
Christmas tree you say? Yes.
Why?
Because it was always up to my dad to put the tree together. He has his system. We would put it up the day after Thanksgiving. He would start from the bottom with the branches and wind around the lights as he went up. It made the tree have more lights and more wonderfulness! He would listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas cd and yes...Kenny G. I would have bought him some Pumpkin Spice coffee so he could drink it while putting up the tree. I remember last year we came over as he was in the middle of putting up the tree. He was sitting on the floor with his Colts hoodie on jiving to a Christmas song. Since he was sitting on the floor he got bombarded by Dayze.
When dad passed one of the first things I cried to Brandon about is, "who is going to put up the Christmas tree?" He was like, "It's April! Why are you worrying about a Christmas tree?".
I know it's silly but so much has already changed too much. I miss him so much everyday.
My dad loved history. He was really intrigued about John Adams. In my History 101 class last week we watched the first episode of a John Adams HBO special. I just wanted to cry right there in class. I couldn't call dad on the way home and tell him about it. It's something he would've enjoyed a lot and I couldn't share it with him.
Friday, October 7, 2011
This is the kind of thing that is getting a lot harder before there is any glimpse of getting better. My classes are a constant reminder of dad. Every other item I ring up at work I can somehow work back to dad. The leaves turning...my music, Dayze, being at moms house...everything is a constant reminder he isn't here.
When my parents decided to go on finish from Wycliffe, we went back home in the summer to sell the house and pack up and we flew back in October. As we flew back into America, the leaves were turning and my dad would constantly say, "Have I ever told you?" Which was meant, "Have I ever told you that fall is my favorite time of year?" He continued this until the end. Every fall it was... "Have I ever told you?" And then my response, "No dad, you haven't".
Last summer, like every summer of the past 6 years, my bestie Cari and I went to see Dave Matthews Band, Last year it was in Chicago at Wrigley Field. I must have sent my dad a dozen pictures of Chicago and the concert. DMB decided to make the concert we were at a live cd. Cari had pre-ordered us the cd and I was ssoooo excited! I told my dad and couldn't wait to share it with him. We never got a chance to listen to it together. Dad knew my passion for DMB. He even downloaded the DMB app on his iPod Touch for me. We came over for dinner one night and he handed me the iPod with the DMB app pulled up and said, "Got you something". He loved the saxophonist of DMB and I loved sharing the music with him.
About 4 1/2 years ago I had told my parents that Brandon and I were considering getting a dog. My mom was not okay with the idea and let me know about it. Well, that didn't stop with falling in love with Dayze the first time I set eyes on her and then twisting Brandon's arm into letting her stay at his place. The day after we got her, I took her over to my parents house. My mom wasn't home but my dad was. I called him and told him to come outside. He came out and took one look at Dayze and started laughing. The grass was taller than her and the tiniest collar I could find was still too big for her. She didn't even weigh a pound. But dad loved her. Dayze is not a fan of men. In fact she hates any strange man with a passion. But Dayze and her Papaw Bill, they were amazing together. Even when he was sick, she would stay on his lap and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
I completely and fully understand why they call it a broken heart.
When my parents decided to go on finish from Wycliffe, we went back home in the summer to sell the house and pack up and we flew back in October. As we flew back into America, the leaves were turning and my dad would constantly say, "Have I ever told you?" Which was meant, "Have I ever told you that fall is my favorite time of year?" He continued this until the end. Every fall it was... "Have I ever told you?" And then my response, "No dad, you haven't".
Last summer, like every summer of the past 6 years, my bestie Cari and I went to see Dave Matthews Band, Last year it was in Chicago at Wrigley Field. I must have sent my dad a dozen pictures of Chicago and the concert. DMB decided to make the concert we were at a live cd. Cari had pre-ordered us the cd and I was ssoooo excited! I told my dad and couldn't wait to share it with him. We never got a chance to listen to it together. Dad knew my passion for DMB. He even downloaded the DMB app on his iPod Touch for me. We came over for dinner one night and he handed me the iPod with the DMB app pulled up and said, "Got you something". He loved the saxophonist of DMB and I loved sharing the music with him.
About 4 1/2 years ago I had told my parents that Brandon and I were considering getting a dog. My mom was not okay with the idea and let me know about it. Well, that didn't stop with falling in love with Dayze the first time I set eyes on her and then twisting Brandon's arm into letting her stay at his place. The day after we got her, I took her over to my parents house. My mom wasn't home but my dad was. I called him and told him to come outside. He came out and took one look at Dayze and started laughing. The grass was taller than her and the tiniest collar I could find was still too big for her. She didn't even weigh a pound. But dad loved her. Dayze is not a fan of men. In fact she hates any strange man with a passion. But Dayze and her Papaw Bill, they were amazing together. Even when he was sick, she would stay on his lap and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
I completely and fully understand why they call it a broken heart.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Psalms 71:17
This past Friday would've been my parents 38th wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would have this huge affect on me. I am so hurt that my mom had to spend it without my dad. So mad that he wasn't here.
I got her flowers. We both cried.
That same day (Friday) my mom, Brandon and I went to northern Kentucky for a wedding-one of my friends who I grew up with overseas was getting married. I was grateful we got to go. Brandon and I had already had plans to go but mom said she was going to go to a choir retreat that weekend. When we got closer to the day she decided she wanted to spend time with Benji, Toni (my brother and sister-in-law) and Mason (my youngest nephew) in Elkhart, IN and with Brandon and I. So she went up to Elkhart Thursday and Friday we went to the wedding.
There weren't that many missionary friends at the wedding but it was great that she got to see Annie and Kim (the brides mother and father) who she has known since 1991.
It was the first wedding we all had been to since dad had died and since Brandon and I got married. Megan (the bride) had grown up in Papua New Guinea since she was 3 and graduated from the high school there. Her now husband, Ilir, had grown up in Albania and come the states a couple years ago. His family was unable to come over to the states for the wedding but he had lots of support there. It was emotionally just being a wedding but it was also emotional because there was this jealously that Megan's dad was there to walk her down the isle and to give her away but also huge gratefulness that he was there for her.
Three guys that had also been MK's from Papua New Guinea were also there, Daniel, Clint, and Alex. I had grown up with Daniel and met Clint and Alex when I went back in 2005. It was SO great to see them and to catch up.
It was a beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple and I'm so glad we got to be there for it.
In any situation I can always picture would dad would be doing-his mannerisms-how he would move his head, how he would move his arms, how polite he would be, how and when he would laugh. He would've loved to see Annie and Kim again.
It's been 4 months since yesterday. And I remain feeling so out of place. I remain feeling in such disbelief that it hurts my head. My heart hurts more now that ever because every day I realized just a little bit more that I'm never going to see my dad on this earth. I wept so intensely last night because all I want to go at the end of today is to pick up the phone and tell my dad how my first day of school went. I know we would have lots to talk about this semester with having 2 history classes, Multicultural Studies, and Cultural Anthropology. He'd want to see my history books so he could look through them and I'd probably talk his ear off about things I'd learn in the other two classes.
It's such a struggle to wrap my head around why it was him. I know people say not to dwell on the why but it's a struggle not too. When there are so many people who actually deserve it, who lie and steal and drink themselves away every night and nothing happens to them. But then I have to switch gears in my thinking and remember that I serve a jealous God. Why wouldn't he want my dad up there in Heaven with him?
When we've been able to make it to the church we are currently attending, we've been studying Elijah and Elisha. Yesterday Pastor Denny talked about what legacy would you leave. If I could be selfless, honest and true, devoted to helping anyone and everyone, devoted to my family and devoted to God so intensely as my dad was, if i could live half the legacy my dad did, I'd be grateful. The verse that was given as a life verse today was Psalms 71:17
O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God do for not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those that come.
My daddie did just that.
I got her flowers. We both cried.
That same day (Friday) my mom, Brandon and I went to northern Kentucky for a wedding-one of my friends who I grew up with overseas was getting married. I was grateful we got to go. Brandon and I had already had plans to go but mom said she was going to go to a choir retreat that weekend. When we got closer to the day she decided she wanted to spend time with Benji, Toni (my brother and sister-in-law) and Mason (my youngest nephew) in Elkhart, IN and with Brandon and I. So she went up to Elkhart Thursday and Friday we went to the wedding.
There weren't that many missionary friends at the wedding but it was great that she got to see Annie and Kim (the brides mother and father) who she has known since 1991.
It was the first wedding we all had been to since dad had died and since Brandon and I got married. Megan (the bride) had grown up in Papua New Guinea since she was 3 and graduated from the high school there. Her now husband, Ilir, had grown up in Albania and come the states a couple years ago. His family was unable to come over to the states for the wedding but he had lots of support there. It was emotionally just being a wedding but it was also emotional because there was this jealously that Megan's dad was there to walk her down the isle and to give her away but also huge gratefulness that he was there for her.
Three guys that had also been MK's from Papua New Guinea were also there, Daniel, Clint, and Alex. I had grown up with Daniel and met Clint and Alex when I went back in 2005. It was SO great to see them and to catch up.
It was a beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple and I'm so glad we got to be there for it.
In any situation I can always picture would dad would be doing-his mannerisms-how he would move his head, how he would move his arms, how polite he would be, how and when he would laugh. He would've loved to see Annie and Kim again.
It's been 4 months since yesterday. And I remain feeling so out of place. I remain feeling in such disbelief that it hurts my head. My heart hurts more now that ever because every day I realized just a little bit more that I'm never going to see my dad on this earth. I wept so intensely last night because all I want to go at the end of today is to pick up the phone and tell my dad how my first day of school went. I know we would have lots to talk about this semester with having 2 history classes, Multicultural Studies, and Cultural Anthropology. He'd want to see my history books so he could look through them and I'd probably talk his ear off about things I'd learn in the other two classes.
It's such a struggle to wrap my head around why it was him. I know people say not to dwell on the why but it's a struggle not too. When there are so many people who actually deserve it, who lie and steal and drink themselves away every night and nothing happens to them. But then I have to switch gears in my thinking and remember that I serve a jealous God. Why wouldn't he want my dad up there in Heaven with him?
When we've been able to make it to the church we are currently attending, we've been studying Elijah and Elisha. Yesterday Pastor Denny talked about what legacy would you leave. If I could be selfless, honest and true, devoted to helping anyone and everyone, devoted to my family and devoted to God so intensely as my dad was, if i could live half the legacy my dad did, I'd be grateful. The verse that was given as a life verse today was Psalms 71:17
O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God do for not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those that come.
My daddie did just that.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Shards that Shatter
I found out today that a MK (missionary kid) friend of mine lost his mother. We were in the same class and he is one of the ones that was there when we left as a family and was there when I returned in 2005.
It's so amazing how your heart can already be in pieces because of your own pain and then it will find the biggest of those already tiny shards and shatter even more. It breaks my heart to know I already have friends out there who have lost a father or mother at this young age but then when it happens again, it's equally if not more heart breaking because I know exactly what they are going though. This is not the kind of club you want to belong to.
My heart truly goes out to the Walkers. I know all to well that you are feeling.
It's so amazing how your heart can already be in pieces because of your own pain and then it will find the biggest of those already tiny shards and shatter even more. It breaks my heart to know I already have friends out there who have lost a father or mother at this young age but then when it happens again, it's equally if not more heart breaking because I know exactly what they are going though. This is not the kind of club you want to belong to.
My heart truly goes out to the Walkers. I know all to well that you are feeling.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Firsts.
I had already thought about what the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthdays would be like without dad. Granted it will be way worse than I can imagine when the time comes. But there are ssooooooooo many more firsts that didn't cross my mind. Like the first trip to West Harrison, IN (where my moms youngest brother lives) and Brookville, IN (where my moms middle brother lives). The last 4 years of traveling down there to see family we always took my car but my dad drove. I always sat behind my dad when my mom and brother or Brandon were along. Since my dad had longer legs and I had shorter, it was just a given that I would always sit behind him. This past weekend my cousin had his graduation in West Harrison and my mom went down for it. The first trip without dad. I so desperately wanted to be staring at the little opening of the back of his Cubs hat and see his silvery hair in my seat behind his. I so desperately wanted him to be there when there was no one to talk to so I could just go to where he was and lock arms and just stand and listen to his conversation. Or find him and take his iPod Touch out of his belt clip or shirt pocket and try to beat his score on Centipede. I so desperately wanted...want him to be.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
 |
| After dad just did the bike part of a triathlon--15 mile bike ride |
Thursday, July 21, 2011
3 months.
Today marks 3 months since my dad has been gone.
It getting harder and harder to be without him. I struggle by the hour. Some days are better than others but some are way worse than others. My mind won't stop reeling. As I laid down for bed last night all I could think about was the night the hospice home called me to tell me he probably won't make it until I got there. 3 months ago at this very time Brandon, my mom, and I were all getting ready to leave the hospice home. Without my dad.
I not only struggle to be without my dad but to also with other peoples problems. That sounds so insensitive. And it is. It's hard to know that people are just carrying on with their lives and have forgotten what pain and huge sorrow I'm dealing with. That sounds conceited. And it is. I don't want people to go out of their way and think about me but then again I want the whole world to stop.
My mom is going to try to keep the house. The 3rd most difficult thing we've been dealing with is all the financial stuff. She has got almost all the medical bills from my dad taken care of which has been wonderful. But about a year ago I think, wires were crossed between my dad and the life insurance he had been paying on for 15+ years. Lets just saw my mom didn't send up with much at all.
I hate having to see my mom struggle and have to decide whether or not she can keep the house and what expenses she has to get rid of. Everyone keeps telling her not make any decisions in the first year but she has been forced too. No one should have to do that.
Luckily she thinks she will be able to keep the house. She has planned to rent out the two extra rooms to college students this year to help her reach the amount needed every month in order to keep the house. She is excited about it. We did this for a couple years when we lived in the house on Guilford St. It just shouldn't have come to that. It just adds to the already down and hurt me.
This is such a excruciating hurt and pain. Not only does today mark 3 months since he has been gone but 2 months that I've been married. I know Brandon understands to the fullest extent that he can how much I hurt and how much I'm struggling. He never had parents like mine. My in-laws are complete opposite of my parents. Even though I didn't marry into awesome in-laws like Brandon did, I'm so grateful that he got to see what a stable, true, honest, wonderful, loving, Christian marriage can look like. Brandon was close with my dad. I know he misses my dad immensely. When my dad became unable to leave the house, Brandon would always go down to Huntington even on days I couldn't and talk with my dad and play the Wii, always making sure they were games my dad could play sitting down. Brandon and my dad were a lot alike--both love history and love to read and learn all the can about history. Both so selfless in their actions. Brandon hasn't played the Wii since my dad has died and I know it's because of my dad.
I remember the very night I told my parents I was dating a older man. My brother had been dating a girl a year younger than I and it was causing my parents lots of white hairs. So when I was taken back by a guy that was a year older than my brother I was SSOOOO nervous to tell them and even left them in the dark about it for awhile just to make sure that I wouldn't be wasting their time on getting to know this guy if it wasn't going to work out. When I realized that this guy was going to be around for awhile at least, I knew I had to break the news to my parents. It was a Friday night and I remember my dad sitting on the couch talking about my brother and this younger girl. I can see it now-- "So, what would you say if I was dating a older guy?" I said. "Well, how much older?" dad replied. I cringed and got ready for the reaction. "7 years" I said. There was a pause and you could see my dads eyes pondering this. "Well, how old will you be in a couple months?" he asked. "19" I replied. Another pause. "Well, you are much more mature than your brother ever was at your age and I trust you are making wise decisions." It took everything inside of me to keep from jumping for joy and to keep my jaw up from the floor. Knowing my parents didn't approve of my brothers relationship I was terrified of what they would think of mine. That same night, all 3 of us went up to Bob Evans were Brandon was serving at the time. Brandon didn't know I broke the news to my parents. We asked to be seated in Brandon's section and Brandon got a pleasant surprise. My parents were hesitant at first. Naturally. I don't blame them. But Brandon sure won them over. I swear Brandon always gets the first hugs from my mom when we see her. Even Quinton always asks where Brandon is if he isn't there or will gravitate towards Brandon if he is. I'm so lucky how much my dad loved Brandon and how much Brandon loved him in return.
It getting harder and harder to be without him. I struggle by the hour. Some days are better than others but some are way worse than others. My mind won't stop reeling. As I laid down for bed last night all I could think about was the night the hospice home called me to tell me he probably won't make it until I got there. 3 months ago at this very time Brandon, my mom, and I were all getting ready to leave the hospice home. Without my dad.
I not only struggle to be without my dad but to also with other peoples problems. That sounds so insensitive. And it is. It's hard to know that people are just carrying on with their lives and have forgotten what pain and huge sorrow I'm dealing with. That sounds conceited. And it is. I don't want people to go out of their way and think about me but then again I want the whole world to stop.
My mom is going to try to keep the house. The 3rd most difficult thing we've been dealing with is all the financial stuff. She has got almost all the medical bills from my dad taken care of which has been wonderful. But about a year ago I think, wires were crossed between my dad and the life insurance he had been paying on for 15+ years. Lets just saw my mom didn't send up with much at all.
I hate having to see my mom struggle and have to decide whether or not she can keep the house and what expenses she has to get rid of. Everyone keeps telling her not make any decisions in the first year but she has been forced too. No one should have to do that.
Luckily she thinks she will be able to keep the house. She has planned to rent out the two extra rooms to college students this year to help her reach the amount needed every month in order to keep the house. She is excited about it. We did this for a couple years when we lived in the house on Guilford St. It just shouldn't have come to that. It just adds to the already down and hurt me.
This is such a excruciating hurt and pain. Not only does today mark 3 months since he has been gone but 2 months that I've been married. I know Brandon understands to the fullest extent that he can how much I hurt and how much I'm struggling. He never had parents like mine. My in-laws are complete opposite of my parents. Even though I didn't marry into awesome in-laws like Brandon did, I'm so grateful that he got to see what a stable, true, honest, wonderful, loving, Christian marriage can look like. Brandon was close with my dad. I know he misses my dad immensely. When my dad became unable to leave the house, Brandon would always go down to Huntington even on days I couldn't and talk with my dad and play the Wii, always making sure they were games my dad could play sitting down. Brandon and my dad were a lot alike--both love history and love to read and learn all the can about history. Both so selfless in their actions. Brandon hasn't played the Wii since my dad has died and I know it's because of my dad.
I remember the very night I told my parents I was dating a older man. My brother had been dating a girl a year younger than I and it was causing my parents lots of white hairs. So when I was taken back by a guy that was a year older than my brother I was SSOOOO nervous to tell them and even left them in the dark about it for awhile just to make sure that I wouldn't be wasting their time on getting to know this guy if it wasn't going to work out. When I realized that this guy was going to be around for awhile at least, I knew I had to break the news to my parents. It was a Friday night and I remember my dad sitting on the couch talking about my brother and this younger girl. I can see it now-- "So, what would you say if I was dating a older guy?" I said. "Well, how much older?" dad replied. I cringed and got ready for the reaction. "7 years" I said. There was a pause and you could see my dads eyes pondering this. "Well, how old will you be in a couple months?" he asked. "19" I replied. Another pause. "Well, you are much more mature than your brother ever was at your age and I trust you are making wise decisions." It took everything inside of me to keep from jumping for joy and to keep my jaw up from the floor. Knowing my parents didn't approve of my brothers relationship I was terrified of what they would think of mine. That same night, all 3 of us went up to Bob Evans were Brandon was serving at the time. Brandon didn't know I broke the news to my parents. We asked to be seated in Brandon's section and Brandon got a pleasant surprise. My parents were hesitant at first. Naturally. I don't blame them. But Brandon sure won them over. I swear Brandon always gets the first hugs from my mom when we see her. Even Quinton always asks where Brandon is if he isn't there or will gravitate towards Brandon if he is. I'm so lucky how much my dad loved Brandon and how much Brandon loved him in return.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Chocolate Cake
Bought myself a piece of chocolate cake today. The same chocolate cake I bought for my daddie for Fathers Day last year and the year before that.
I feel like I will never to 100% myself again. I feel so hurt to my core. I feel so angry and so mad. Words aren't can't even begin to explain. I miss him so deeply and so strongly. I've never imagined in a million years I would be going through this. It's always someone else. These kind of things never happen to "me". I suppose it can be compared to someone who has gone through a hurricane or some huge storm and lost everything. Except at this point, I'd rather lose all my belongings just to have my daddie back.
He was in my dream two nights ago. In my dream I knew he had died. My mom and I were walking by a forest and we look over and see a man walking towards us from the forest wearing a Cubs t-shirt. We realize it's my dad and we're so confused. I stop in my tracks and I start to cry and say "You're not supposed to be here. You're dead! What are you doing here??" He gives me a hug around the shoulder and says, "It's ok. I'm here" I could feel his hand around me. I could picture his hands and his freckly arm. I could see his baby blue eyes and his silvery hair.
I miss him with everything I am. I know some of you unfortunately can relate to my situation but for the most of you, I wish you're parents will die old. I wish this pain upon no one.
This is a posting my dad wrote on Facebook after I wrote the March 10th blog posting titled 'Untitled'. It shows how truly selfless and devoted he was...
Kristi, you made me cry again! I am a blessed man to a loving wife and two great kids that love me dearly.
I'm glad you are able to express your frustration and anger with God. But I am also glad that you recognize God's hand protecting me ...through these many years after the Hodgkin's disease since 1976! I am especially please that God brought you and Benji into my life to have someone call me Dad! We serve a God who does know our pain! Jesus suffered more than I can even imagine! He pleaded with his father to take this suffering away. But in the end, He followed His Father's will.
I don't like this road we are on but I sense this holding my hand. This hand has a scar right in the middle. He is going to walk us through this. He understands our pain and grief.
I love you and Benji!
Your Dad
It's been INCREDIBLY hard for me to put effort into anything these days. I'm so much more irritated faster and easier than ever now. When people start talking about their problems that can't even begin to compare to my situation I go into attack mode. Unless you have lost a parent too young, you don't know what I'm going through. It seems harsh, but what I'm going through is off the charts compared to what you are-----this is how I feel.
It's also incredibly hard to be forgotten. Once dad died, the letters stopped. The "how are you doing" stopped. It's hard to be forgotten when you're in such a enormous amount of pain. I know life goes on but I'm still just as hurt if not more than ever. I feel so guilty for not mentioning to my friends who have lost a parent to early that they still remain in my mind, now more than ever.
I feel like I will never to 100% myself again. I feel so hurt to my core. I feel so angry and so mad. Words aren't can't even begin to explain. I miss him so deeply and so strongly. I've never imagined in a million years I would be going through this. It's always someone else. These kind of things never happen to "me". I suppose it can be compared to someone who has gone through a hurricane or some huge storm and lost everything. Except at this point, I'd rather lose all my belongings just to have my daddie back.
He was in my dream two nights ago. In my dream I knew he had died. My mom and I were walking by a forest and we look over and see a man walking towards us from the forest wearing a Cubs t-shirt. We realize it's my dad and we're so confused. I stop in my tracks and I start to cry and say "You're not supposed to be here. You're dead! What are you doing here??" He gives me a hug around the shoulder and says, "It's ok. I'm here" I could feel his hand around me. I could picture his hands and his freckly arm. I could see his baby blue eyes and his silvery hair.
I miss him with everything I am. I know some of you unfortunately can relate to my situation but for the most of you, I wish you're parents will die old. I wish this pain upon no one.
This is a posting my dad wrote on Facebook after I wrote the March 10th blog posting titled 'Untitled'. It shows how truly selfless and devoted he was...
Kristi, you made me cry again! I am a blessed man to a loving wife and two great kids that love me dearly.
I'm glad you are able to express your frustration and anger with God. But I am also glad that you recognize God's hand protecting me ...through these many years after the Hodgkin's disease since 1976! I am especially please that God brought you and Benji into my life to have someone call me Dad! We serve a God who does know our pain! Jesus suffered more than I can even imagine! He pleaded with his father to take this suffering away. But in the end, He followed His Father's will.
I don't like this road we are on but I sense this holding my hand. This hand has a scar right in the middle. He is going to walk us through this. He understands our pain and grief.
I love you and Benji!
Your Dad
It's been INCREDIBLY hard for me to put effort into anything these days. I'm so much more irritated faster and easier than ever now. When people start talking about their problems that can't even begin to compare to my situation I go into attack mode. Unless you have lost a parent too young, you don't know what I'm going through. It seems harsh, but what I'm going through is off the charts compared to what you are-----this is how I feel.
It's also incredibly hard to be forgotten. Once dad died, the letters stopped. The "how are you doing" stopped. It's hard to be forgotten when you're in such a enormous amount of pain. I know life goes on but I'm still just as hurt if not more than ever. I feel so guilty for not mentioning to my friends who have lost a parent to early that they still remain in my mind, now more than ever.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Belonging???
Yesterday there was a benefit in honor of my dad for my mom to help out with bills and whatever else she needs.
A lot of people showed up! A lot of people I didn't expect to show up which really meant a lot including 3 out of the 4 of Brandon's sisters and moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen.
It was great to have so much family there and to see those who came to the benefit. I was so happy that they made the effort and wanted to be there. It just sucked entirely that the reason we were all gathered together is because my dad is dead.
I'm so glad that most people don't have to go through this journey that I am now. It is not for just anyone to experience. What made God think I could handle this I have NO idea.
There are hourly reminders that he is gone. I hate waking up knowing at the end of the day marks another day that time has passed and it's now 6 weeks since he's been gone. I dread everyday. I dread knowing that someday I'll have to say "he's been gone for a year, for five years, for ten".
Mom seems to be handling it as best she can. I truly believe that my dad having cancer back in the 70's prepared her for imagining life without her husband. It doesn't hurt that her therapy is to talk and she has gotten a lot of opportunity to do such.
Besides the fact that dad is gone, one of THE hardest things is to listen to people stories of how their life is horrible. I know they don't mean to be insensitive but it's just sssoooooooooo hard.
Mom and I went to the 509 Community, a church in Huntington, last Sunday to see a good friend of ours, Nabrissa, that was on a short furlough from Senegal, Africa and we stayed for most of the service. I had gone to the 509 for 6 years. Nabrissa and her husband Tim decided to go to Senegal a year ago and Brandon and I decided then to leave the 509. We loved the preacher, Heath and seeing Tim and Nabrissa every week, but nothing else. But since Nabrissa was in town and was there, we went to see her. My mom was greeted by the new pastor and others before the service. Afterwards my mom mentioned how strange it was for everyone to say hi to her and ask how she was doing when no one asked about me yet I had been the one to go there for 6 years. I hadn't thought about that until she said something. I told her, I wouldn't expect them to even know my name. And it's true-the new pastor introduced himself to me yesterday at the benefit apolizing he didn't earlier last Sunday when I'm pretty sure I've been going to that church longer than him. Like I said, we loved the way Heath taught and seeing Tim and Nabrissa, and that was it.
It's so hard to find that niche. That community sense. I left College Park (my parents church) half way thru high school because it wasn't there. I stayed at a church were a girl who had been going to the 509 less than I introduced herself to me like I was new. We now go to Emmanuel in Fort Wayne but one of the biggest churches in Fort Wayne. We are foruntate enough to have another married couple who we've created a great bond with that goes there which is why we found ourselves there.
At such a time I crave for the feeling of belonging. I've always struggled with never feeling like I belong. I'm a Mexican-American who was adopted, grew up in Papua New Guinea and now live in Fort Wayne, IN. Where do I belong to begin with? Where is home? Let alone to feel so alone spiritually. Not in the sense that I don't feel God's presence but in the sense that there is no Christian community. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this for years. And now when I need it the most, it's no where to be found.
A lot of people showed up! A lot of people I didn't expect to show up which really meant a lot including 3 out of the 4 of Brandon's sisters and moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen.
It was great to have so much family there and to see those who came to the benefit. I was so happy that they made the effort and wanted to be there. It just sucked entirely that the reason we were all gathered together is because my dad is dead.
I'm so glad that most people don't have to go through this journey that I am now. It is not for just anyone to experience. What made God think I could handle this I have NO idea.
There are hourly reminders that he is gone. I hate waking up knowing at the end of the day marks another day that time has passed and it's now 6 weeks since he's been gone. I dread everyday. I dread knowing that someday I'll have to say "he's been gone for a year, for five years, for ten".
Mom seems to be handling it as best she can. I truly believe that my dad having cancer back in the 70's prepared her for imagining life without her husband. It doesn't hurt that her therapy is to talk and she has gotten a lot of opportunity to do such.
Besides the fact that dad is gone, one of THE hardest things is to listen to people stories of how their life is horrible. I know they don't mean to be insensitive but it's just sssoooooooooo hard.
Mom and I went to the 509 Community, a church in Huntington, last Sunday to see a good friend of ours, Nabrissa, that was on a short furlough from Senegal, Africa and we stayed for most of the service. I had gone to the 509 for 6 years. Nabrissa and her husband Tim decided to go to Senegal a year ago and Brandon and I decided then to leave the 509. We loved the preacher, Heath and seeing Tim and Nabrissa every week, but nothing else. But since Nabrissa was in town and was there, we went to see her. My mom was greeted by the new pastor and others before the service. Afterwards my mom mentioned how strange it was for everyone to say hi to her and ask how she was doing when no one asked about me yet I had been the one to go there for 6 years. I hadn't thought about that until she said something. I told her, I wouldn't expect them to even know my name. And it's true-the new pastor introduced himself to me yesterday at the benefit apolizing he didn't earlier last Sunday when I'm pretty sure I've been going to that church longer than him. Like I said, we loved the way Heath taught and seeing Tim and Nabrissa, and that was it.
It's so hard to find that niche. That community sense. I left College Park (my parents church) half way thru high school because it wasn't there. I stayed at a church were a girl who had been going to the 509 less than I introduced herself to me like I was new. We now go to Emmanuel in Fort Wayne but one of the biggest churches in Fort Wayne. We are foruntate enough to have another married couple who we've created a great bond with that goes there which is why we found ourselves there.
At such a time I crave for the feeling of belonging. I've always struggled with never feeling like I belong. I'm a Mexican-American who was adopted, grew up in Papua New Guinea and now live in Fort Wayne, IN. Where do I belong to begin with? Where is home? Let alone to feel so alone spiritually. Not in the sense that I don't feel God's presence but in the sense that there is no Christian community. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this for years. And now when I need it the most, it's no where to be found.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Bittersweet
I never imagined I'd be getting married like this. But then again, what girl does?
Nothing about today is how I imagined it!!!!
I never imagined I'd be marrying a guy like Brandon. Not to say that he isn't "the one" but I always pictured someone different. If circumstances didn't happen the way they did, we might not have gotten married for at least another year, maybe more! I wanted to get married in the fall. Maybe the middle of October wedding. In fact, the only thing about this wedding that is happening the way I imagined it is the colors! Dark purple and chocolate brown.
I've gotten a lot of "you're dad will be there in spirit looking down on you"...kinda stuff. (And I know there is probably more of that to come). And I know people feel like they have to say something. I was once on the other side too. But a good friend of mine who unfortunately is dealing with a similar thing, once said that he knows how difficult times like these can be and knows that sometimes words aren't the right thing to say.
It's no secret. I wish my daddie was here today. I wish he was here yesterday when I was freaking out. He always knew how to fix things. He knew where my buttons were and how to steer clear. Out of my parents, my dad was the one who knew how to handle me the best. It's already a tough day just waking up and knowing he isn't here. And to get married exactly a month since he died doesn't help. Or does it? Maybe this marriage will be the glue for my heart. Granted it won't be like it once was: completely whole. Nothing is never the same if you have to glue it back together. But we can try.
Nothing about today is how I imagined it!!!!
I never imagined I'd be marrying a guy like Brandon. Not to say that he isn't "the one" but I always pictured someone different. If circumstances didn't happen the way they did, we might not have gotten married for at least another year, maybe more! I wanted to get married in the fall. Maybe the middle of October wedding. In fact, the only thing about this wedding that is happening the way I imagined it is the colors! Dark purple and chocolate brown.
I've gotten a lot of "you're dad will be there in spirit looking down on you"...kinda stuff. (And I know there is probably more of that to come). And I know people feel like they have to say something. I was once on the other side too. But a good friend of mine who unfortunately is dealing with a similar thing, once said that he knows how difficult times like these can be and knows that sometimes words aren't the right thing to say.
It's no secret. I wish my daddie was here today. I wish he was here yesterday when I was freaking out. He always knew how to fix things. He knew where my buttons were and how to steer clear. Out of my parents, my dad was the one who knew how to handle me the best. It's already a tough day just waking up and knowing he isn't here. And to get married exactly a month since he died doesn't help. Or does it? Maybe this marriage will be the glue for my heart. Granted it won't be like it once was: completely whole. Nothing is never the same if you have to glue it back together. But we can try.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
In Pieces
My world is upside down. It is such a unreal feeling to know I can't pick up the phone and call my dad. I won't walk into my parents house and see him sitting in his chair. And he won't be walking me down the isle in 6 days.
We had a private family viewing the Monday after he died. All the family that was already here gathered at the funeral home. Something that was really important to me was having current pictures of my dad at his viewings. But they were all on my computer and needed to be printed. I went to Walmart the night before but got there too late. So I woke up early Monday and went up. I picked the ones I wanted and waited. When I went back to pick them up, the lady at the counter was having a bad day and taking it out on her customers (like me). Apparently the printer had run out of paper and it was taking her FOREVER to get fixed. I finally get the pictures. I go back to my moms house to get ready. I'm still waiting on Brandon at this point to get to Huntington with blank cds so I can burn the music I put together for the funeral home to play at the viewing. He finally gets there and I'm getting ready while burning cds and putting together the new pictures. We get up to the funeral home and everyone is already there minus my brother and his wife. A few minutes later they show up. We all gather around and pray and then get ready to see my dad in the casket. If my dad had been there, I would have immediately been beside him. Whenever there were crowds of people around, I would be beside dad. He was my paper and I was his glue. It was just the way it worked. Since he wasn't there, I took my brothers arm instead. He aloud me to just link my arms around his arm and we walked in.
Tears streaming down my face. Anger building up. Loneliness sinking in. Reality setting in.
My heart has never known this strong of hurt. It engulfs and consumes you. I HATE the fact that he isn't here. I have never been so angry and hurt in my 24 years combined at my dad. Standing by his casket at the funeral home I just wept. Every inch of me was so mad and angry at my dad for leaving me. I so desperately wanted to scream and shout and yell.
Orginally my mom agreed to a open casket for the family viewing. She was so surprised how good he looked that she consulted my brother and I to see if it was alright to leave it open for the public viewing. Both my brother and mom didn't care either way. Me on the other hand. I couldn't bare the thought of closing it because then I couldn't see him. Even though he was dead, it still left like he was still here with the coffin open. So my mom left it open.
So many people poured though the funeral home. Many surprises of people who thought highly of my dad. Old and new friends. Co-workers of my dads, my moms, and even mine.
It then came time to leave the funeral home. It was already decided that the casket would be closed at the church for the one hour viewing before the service.
I again wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I was and still am so angry. So engulfed in anger. I didn't want them to close the casket. It meant the end for me. I couldn't ever see my dad again. Pictures just aren't the same. Even though he isn't alive, just keeping the casket open was a way for me to still have him here. I just wanted everyone to leave and leave me with my dad and just stay like that forever.
As you guess by the top sentences, the wedding is still on. No idea how I'm going to get through it. Everyone keeps telling me he will be here in spirit and he is watching from Heaven. But I think even my dad would agree that he would rather be here.
We had a private family viewing the Monday after he died. All the family that was already here gathered at the funeral home. Something that was really important to me was having current pictures of my dad at his viewings. But they were all on my computer and needed to be printed. I went to Walmart the night before but got there too late. So I woke up early Monday and went up. I picked the ones I wanted and waited. When I went back to pick them up, the lady at the counter was having a bad day and taking it out on her customers (like me). Apparently the printer had run out of paper and it was taking her FOREVER to get fixed. I finally get the pictures. I go back to my moms house to get ready. I'm still waiting on Brandon at this point to get to Huntington with blank cds so I can burn the music I put together for the funeral home to play at the viewing. He finally gets there and I'm getting ready while burning cds and putting together the new pictures. We get up to the funeral home and everyone is already there minus my brother and his wife. A few minutes later they show up. We all gather around and pray and then get ready to see my dad in the casket. If my dad had been there, I would have immediately been beside him. Whenever there were crowds of people around, I would be beside dad. He was my paper and I was his glue. It was just the way it worked. Since he wasn't there, I took my brothers arm instead. He aloud me to just link my arms around his arm and we walked in.
Tears streaming down my face. Anger building up. Loneliness sinking in. Reality setting in.
My heart has never known this strong of hurt. It engulfs and consumes you. I HATE the fact that he isn't here. I have never been so angry and hurt in my 24 years combined at my dad. Standing by his casket at the funeral home I just wept. Every inch of me was so mad and angry at my dad for leaving me. I so desperately wanted to scream and shout and yell.
Orginally my mom agreed to a open casket for the family viewing. She was so surprised how good he looked that she consulted my brother and I to see if it was alright to leave it open for the public viewing. Both my brother and mom didn't care either way. Me on the other hand. I couldn't bare the thought of closing it because then I couldn't see him. Even though he was dead, it still left like he was still here with the coffin open. So my mom left it open.
So many people poured though the funeral home. Many surprises of people who thought highly of my dad. Old and new friends. Co-workers of my dads, my moms, and even mine.
It then came time to leave the funeral home. It was already decided that the casket would be closed at the church for the one hour viewing before the service.
I again wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I was and still am so angry. So engulfed in anger. I didn't want them to close the casket. It meant the end for me. I couldn't ever see my dad again. Pictures just aren't the same. Even though he isn't alive, just keeping the casket open was a way for me to still have him here. I just wanted everyone to leave and leave me with my dad and just stay like that forever.
As you guess by the top sentences, the wedding is still on. No idea how I'm going to get through it. Everyone keeps telling me he will be here in spirit and he is watching from Heaven. But I think even my dad would agree that he would rather be here.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Autumn Splendor
I know this new layout has 'Autumn Splendor' on the side and it's currently spring but daddie loved fall. It was his favorite season. And his favorite color is blue so I found it fitting.
I went to church with mom today (Brandon and I usually go to church in Fort Wayne). It was a great service. But caused lots of tears. All I could picture was daddie standing next to me singing and what a wonderful voice he had. I could imagine the way he moved his hands and head while singing to the Lord. How I miss that so. Pastor Gary even tied in my daddies death in the sermon-stating how mom took daddie in her arms at the end and reminded him of everyone who loves him here on Earth and everyone waiting for him in Heaven and that is was ok to leave. There are no words to explain that. Amazing, wonderful-those words aren't strong enough.
Tomorrow is daddie's viewing. We are lucky enough to have almost the whole family on both sides be able to celebrate daddies life with us. But I'm still waiting to walk into mom and dad's house and see dad sitting in his chair. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and how he had to duck his head because it was too low for him. I'm still waiting to hear/see the Cubs playing in every room. I'm still waiting to see him at the computer listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I'm still waiting. And I will be for a very long time.
I went to church with mom today (Brandon and I usually go to church in Fort Wayne). It was a great service. But caused lots of tears. All I could picture was daddie standing next to me singing and what a wonderful voice he had. I could imagine the way he moved his hands and head while singing to the Lord. How I miss that so. Pastor Gary even tied in my daddies death in the sermon-stating how mom took daddie in her arms at the end and reminded him of everyone who loves him here on Earth and everyone waiting for him in Heaven and that is was ok to leave. There are no words to explain that. Amazing, wonderful-those words aren't strong enough.
Tomorrow is daddie's viewing. We are lucky enough to have almost the whole family on both sides be able to celebrate daddies life with us. But I'm still waiting to walk into mom and dad's house and see dad sitting in his chair. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and how he had to duck his head because it was too low for him. I'm still waiting to hear/see the Cubs playing in every room. I'm still waiting to see him at the computer listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I'm still waiting. And I will be for a very long time.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Wait is Over.
God took my daddie early this morning. I got a call from hospice this morning 3:26AM and was in the car by 3:30AM. The lady from hospice told me on the phone that he might not make it before I get there and she even started crying on the phone. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive so I got Brandon and we made the 10 minute drive to get to the hospice home from my apartment. As we passed Fresh Market (where I work) I asked God to give me peace. That I didn't want him to take my daddie but if it was his time to make it fast and with no pain. And I was at peace. I stopped crying and felt Gods presence with me. We got there and ran inside. We hurried along the dark hallway and the three night shift nurses were all just staring at us. I started bawling. I opened the door and my mom was cradling his head and told me he was gone. I sank to the floor. I wanted to renege what I had just told God. I wasn't ready. I needed more time. I had more to say and more to share.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Waiting
I'm sitting in a dark hospice room listening to Josh Garrels with my dad.
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Blessed Thru Pain
A lot has happened since I've last written.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Untitled.
I don't understand how there can be no tears in Heaven.
My heart is literally breaking into pieces down here on earth. My mind is in chaos. I can not fathom how one can be in Heaven and not shed a tear or go through the heart ache of having to miss your wife, your son, your daughter, and so many other family members. How is it that when the Lord takes my daddie and my heart breaks into even more pieces (which I assure there won't be much more to break) that he will not be going through the same emotions and feelings as I???!!!!!! I just can't wrap my head around this.
And I shouldn't have to.
But I do.
Today we found out that the cancer has spread to my daddie's lungs.
Really? The poor man already has cancer in his bladder and liver and possibly his intestines...what is this? A all or nothing game??? I suppose it is.
I can't help to think what it would've been like if my dad had not been in that 10% survival rate for Hodgkins disease back in the 70's. What if he was in the 90% of people who didn't make it? Well...there probably would have been no ME. And while I hate to think what life would be like without my parents or brother or nephew (and the list goes on forever), at the same time, I would've never have known what life would be like with them so I really wouldn't be missing it. I would have never had to go through this tremendous amount of pain, this ginormous amount of hurt and anger, this massive amount of fear of losing my daddie when I was 24 years old.
How horrible is it that I'm thinking this???? I mean really??? If my dad had died back in the 70's he would have never been my dad. That sentence and thought is so horrible to think about.
Just to set the record straight...I'm happier than all of you reading this combined that my dad did survive death the first time.
My friend Angela from work and I were talking the other night. I was sharing with her a article I had read in a magazine about this women whose mother abandoned her and her two sisters when she was 4. Just up and left. No note, no nothing. The father was in and out of jail and none of their family members could keep all 3 of them for a long period of time. She talks about all the different foster parents she had. About walking up to the house with all 3 of the sisters carrying all their possessions in a garbage bag. The story goes on and does end up happy but it got Angela and I talking about our own adoptions.
Angela was just 4 days old when she was adopted and I was 13 days old so for the both of us, our (adoptive) parents are all we've ever known. The story in the magazine really made us think about how lucky were both were to get adopted so fast and to get adopted by extraordinary parents. We didn't have to go through rough times with foster parents or even bad adoptive parents.
I am truly a answer to prayer. And I know and understand this. I am truly a gift from God to Bill and Anne Fetrow. It blows my mind to think about this.
It's cliche to say but everything happens for a reason. There is a reason my dad survived Hodgkins disease and 42 radiation treatments only for those treatments to ruin his organs to the point he is dying from the thing that saved him the first time. There is a reason why my parents weren't able to have a child of their own and thus ended up adopting Benji and I. There is a reason why God is taking the greatest man I've even known away from me. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I can officially say I've never hated something more in my life. But I am helpless. I can pray he won't be in much pain. I can selfishly ask for God to wait until my daddie can walk me down the isle. But I can't fix it. No one can. I understand that. I've accepted it. But I certainly don't like it.
People keep talking like he is going to be rid of the cancer. And it might happen. But the chances of him surviving cancer in the bladder, the liver, the lungs, AND the intestines....I don't think you can even give that percentage a number it's that small. And it sucks. It litterally is the worst thing in the world.
I wish that last sentence there, "the worst thing in the world" wasn't so desensitized. We use that phrase so often that when I use it here it somehow doesn't seem strong enough. But it truly is THE worse thing IN THE WORLD to know that a vicious disease is eating my daddie from the inside out. That he won't be here to see me graduate college. To see me start a family. To see his grandsons become famous baseball players for the Cubs.
It's so hard to cherish the time we have left when all I want to do is to crawl into bed and never get out. But I have to. I have work and school and now a wedding to plan in 2 months!!
And I mean almost litteraly two months!
We've finally settled on a date.
May 14, 2011.
I finally realized that, "wait a second...this is Brandon and my wedding. I need to stop worrying about whenever everyone else (minus my dad) can have this wedding and start worrying about US!" This is our wedding. May 14 isn't going to work for everyone but neither is any other date we would pick. The most important thing to us is to have my daddie there and May 14 works for us and so that when we're getting married.
Now only to find a place. I haven't gone to my parents church since I was a junior in high school and never really saw myself getting married there. I was attending the 509 Community in Huntington for 6 years but we never even slightly meshed with that group but loved the pastor so much we stuck around till he left. We are currently attending Emmanuel Community Church in Fort Wayne but don't see ourselves getting married there either. We were thinking about outside but worry May 14th might not be warm enough and even if it was where would we do it? We have no idea where. Which totally sucks. And with such late notice it's going to be a challenge to find something we both like, can afford, and works with May 14th. STRESS!!! Not to mention I have to continue working and school doesn't end till May 6th. Yay for more stress!!
It will work out though. It has too. Photographer and hair and makeup and catering already has. I know the place will too.
Please continue sending cards and e-mails to my parents. I know they appreciate hearing from old (as in haven't talked to in awhile, not old in age) and new friends alike. Thanks a million.
-Kristi
My heart is literally breaking into pieces down here on earth. My mind is in chaos. I can not fathom how one can be in Heaven and not shed a tear or go through the heart ache of having to miss your wife, your son, your daughter, and so many other family members. How is it that when the Lord takes my daddie and my heart breaks into even more pieces (which I assure there won't be much more to break) that he will not be going through the same emotions and feelings as I???!!!!!! I just can't wrap my head around this.
And I shouldn't have to.
But I do.
Today we found out that the cancer has spread to my daddie's lungs.
Really? The poor man already has cancer in his bladder and liver and possibly his intestines...what is this? A all or nothing game??? I suppose it is.
I can't help to think what it would've been like if my dad had not been in that 10% survival rate for Hodgkins disease back in the 70's. What if he was in the 90% of people who didn't make it? Well...there probably would have been no ME. And while I hate to think what life would be like without my parents or brother or nephew (and the list goes on forever), at the same time, I would've never have known what life would be like with them so I really wouldn't be missing it. I would have never had to go through this tremendous amount of pain, this ginormous amount of hurt and anger, this massive amount of fear of losing my daddie when I was 24 years old.
How horrible is it that I'm thinking this???? I mean really??? If my dad had died back in the 70's he would have never been my dad. That sentence and thought is so horrible to think about.
Just to set the record straight...I'm happier than all of you reading this combined that my dad did survive death the first time.
My friend Angela from work and I were talking the other night. I was sharing with her a article I had read in a magazine about this women whose mother abandoned her and her two sisters when she was 4. Just up and left. No note, no nothing. The father was in and out of jail and none of their family members could keep all 3 of them for a long period of time. She talks about all the different foster parents she had. About walking up to the house with all 3 of the sisters carrying all their possessions in a garbage bag. The story goes on and does end up happy but it got Angela and I talking about our own adoptions.
Angela was just 4 days old when she was adopted and I was 13 days old so for the both of us, our (adoptive) parents are all we've ever known. The story in the magazine really made us think about how lucky were both were to get adopted so fast and to get adopted by extraordinary parents. We didn't have to go through rough times with foster parents or even bad adoptive parents.
I am truly a answer to prayer. And I know and understand this. I am truly a gift from God to Bill and Anne Fetrow. It blows my mind to think about this.
It's cliche to say but everything happens for a reason. There is a reason my dad survived Hodgkins disease and 42 radiation treatments only for those treatments to ruin his organs to the point he is dying from the thing that saved him the first time. There is a reason why my parents weren't able to have a child of their own and thus ended up adopting Benji and I. There is a reason why God is taking the greatest man I've even known away from me. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I can officially say I've never hated something more in my life. But I am helpless. I can pray he won't be in much pain. I can selfishly ask for God to wait until my daddie can walk me down the isle. But I can't fix it. No one can. I understand that. I've accepted it. But I certainly don't like it.
People keep talking like he is going to be rid of the cancer. And it might happen. But the chances of him surviving cancer in the bladder, the liver, the lungs, AND the intestines....I don't think you can even give that percentage a number it's that small. And it sucks. It litterally is the worst thing in the world.
I wish that last sentence there, "the worst thing in the world" wasn't so desensitized. We use that phrase so often that when I use it here it somehow doesn't seem strong enough. But it truly is THE worse thing IN THE WORLD to know that a vicious disease is eating my daddie from the inside out. That he won't be here to see me graduate college. To see me start a family. To see his grandsons become famous baseball players for the Cubs.
It's so hard to cherish the time we have left when all I want to do is to crawl into bed and never get out. But I have to. I have work and school and now a wedding to plan in 2 months!!
And I mean almost litteraly two months!
We've finally settled on a date.
May 14, 2011.
I finally realized that, "wait a second...this is Brandon and my wedding. I need to stop worrying about whenever everyone else (minus my dad) can have this wedding and start worrying about US!" This is our wedding. May 14 isn't going to work for everyone but neither is any other date we would pick. The most important thing to us is to have my daddie there and May 14 works for us and so that when we're getting married.
Now only to find a place. I haven't gone to my parents church since I was a junior in high school and never really saw myself getting married there. I was attending the 509 Community in Huntington for 6 years but we never even slightly meshed with that group but loved the pastor so much we stuck around till he left. We are currently attending Emmanuel Community Church in Fort Wayne but don't see ourselves getting married there either. We were thinking about outside but worry May 14th might not be warm enough and even if it was where would we do it? We have no idea where. Which totally sucks. And with such late notice it's going to be a challenge to find something we both like, can afford, and works with May 14th. STRESS!!! Not to mention I have to continue working and school doesn't end till May 6th. Yay for more stress!!
It will work out though. It has too. Photographer and hair and makeup and catering already has. I know the place will too.
Please continue sending cards and e-mails to my parents. I know they appreciate hearing from old (as in haven't talked to in awhile, not old in age) and new friends alike. Thanks a million.
-Kristi
Friday, March 4, 2011
Disbelief
If this is the first time visiting this post, please read the posts: #1: 'Cancer' and #2: 'We Just Dont't Know Yet' first please!! You can find the links on the right hand side or at the bottom of the page.
The title of this post is "Disbelief". The disbelief that my dad may not be here much longer and the disbelief that I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole thing is the worst kind of sadness and the best kind of joy combined. It's so bizarre. This is not how I saw my wedding being planned. But I'm strangely ok with it. I want my daddie there and if this is how it has to be done then we'll do it.
Approximately 2 months is not long to get everything in order. Part of the reason why Brandon and I held off getting married is because of the cost. And now we have to do the whole ordeal when we were SO not ready financial to even think about it.
Here is where the third part of the disbelief comes in...
We had nothing but the rings and really starting to get worried we wouldn't be able to get married with nothing in the bank. And then...
...a family of angels steps forward.
I'll keep this family anoyomous for now as I have not asked their permission to use their names but this family has gone way up and beyond for Brandon and I.
They have volunteered to:
Do the wedding pictures.
To do my hair the day of the wedding
To cater the food
To help supply chairs and a tent from friends of theirs
To help supply decorations from friends of theirs
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has made me cry SSOOOOOO many tears of joy. The person who is kind of brought this all to together is a friend from middle school/high school. We were friends but never extremely close. All these things are something I would expect a best friend might do but never a friend who I barely see and we've grown apart. But how she has gone way beyond anything I would or could ever imagine. I am forever grateful for her AND her family. I truly believe this is a "God thing" as my mom likes call it.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The title of this post is "Disbelief". The disbelief that my dad may not be here much longer and the disbelief that I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole thing is the worst kind of sadness and the best kind of joy combined. It's so bizarre. This is not how I saw my wedding being planned. But I'm strangely ok with it. I want my daddie there and if this is how it has to be done then we'll do it.
Approximately 2 months is not long to get everything in order. Part of the reason why Brandon and I held off getting married is because of the cost. And now we have to do the whole ordeal when we were SO not ready financial to even think about it.
Here is where the third part of the disbelief comes in...
We had nothing but the rings and really starting to get worried we wouldn't be able to get married with nothing in the bank. And then...
...a family of angels steps forward.
I'll keep this family anoyomous for now as I have not asked their permission to use their names but this family has gone way up and beyond for Brandon and I.
They have volunteered to:
Do the wedding pictures.
To do my hair the day of the wedding
To cater the food
To help supply chairs and a tent from friends of theirs
To help supply decorations from friends of theirs
AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has made me cry SSOOOOOO many tears of joy. The person who is kind of brought this all to together is a friend from middle school/high school. We were friends but never extremely close. All these things are something I would expect a best friend might do but never a friend who I barely see and we've grown apart. But how she has gone way beyond anything I would or could ever imagine. I am forever grateful for her AND her family. I truly believe this is a "God thing" as my mom likes call it.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
We just don't know...
Tonight my dad was able to leave the hospital. Things are still up in the air for everything. I don't think my parents have had much time to even think what the next step is with all the visitors, phone calls, nurses in and out. My poor padre would just fall asleep and it would never fail for someone to come in poking and prodding at him. My dad mentioned that the only way to get a doctor to come see him was to fall asleep.
My parents wanted to tell their brothers and sisters the news before everyone else. But because there are 5 on my mothers and 2 on my dads and the emotional weight that comes with breaking this kind of new, it has gone slow.
Like I wrote in my last post, wedding bells have rung. It's in both my bucket list and my dads for him to walk me down the isle.
We found out Friday he didn't have much time here on earth with us so that night Brandon and I did a lot of crying (I did all of it really) and talking about "our" furture. I had already made up my mind since the 10th that if we did find out my dad didn't have long, we would move fast on the wedding. But...I hadn't told Brandon. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to speak the words unless I had too. And...I did. So I asked Brandon and he was all for it.
We found out "the news" on Friday night and I knew I had to open at work on Saturday. It was past closing time Friday when we found out but I was able to let them know I was not going to be in for my shift Saturday. I knew I wasn't gonna be able to concentrate or even stop crying and no one wants a cashier checking them out who can't stop balling. So Saturday I woke up and cried myself awake. I took a shower and yelled at God. My poor loofah and shower wall got a good beating.
After getting ready for the day, Brandon and I headed to the mall. Being a girl, I had a idea in my head of a possible engagment ring. A amythest and square cut. We found one I like at the Glenbrook mall so we headed there. I looked to see if it was still there and then I decided to look at the other two jewlery places right next door. We got to the second one and were sold.
I found one I like better than the first and the price was right. We had told the seller that this was intended to be my engagement ring and what could we do about a wedding band. He took us to another case and had the perfect fit! So we bought them and took them straight to the hospital. My brother Benji, and his wife Toni, had come down from Elkhart, IN to spend the day with us. After making our entrance, we mentioned what we had done earlier that day.
I saw my daddie cry for the 6th time in my life.
Since Brandon had not asked me yet, I wasn't wearing it but we took them out and my daddie assured me with tears in his eyes that it would look lovely on my finger. Both my parents were tearing up but my mom was screaming AND crying. It was a great time and memory.
When my brother and sister-in-law were there at the hospital we had lots of visitors. We (Brandon and I) were kinda on the sidelines of the room. Everyone was talking and not paying attention to us so I wanted to look at the ring again. Brandon took it from me and asked, put in my finger and their it has remained since 3pm Saturday afternoon.
TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO IDEA when or where or anything for that matter. We know were getting married before the Lord takes my daddie and that is about it.
We are waiting on some more tests to be done which will give us a better idea of a time line. With the kidneys being what they are we might have to move as fast as within the next couple weeks. Hopefully daddie will be strong enough make it till May so I won't have to get married and be in school at the same time but we just don't know yet.
It's such a tough thing. As a wise man once said, "You have to go through it. You can not go around it, above it, under it, you have to go thought it". -Jimmy O'Donnell.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Key word: TRY.
My parents wanted to tell their brothers and sisters the news before everyone else. But because there are 5 on my mothers and 2 on my dads and the emotional weight that comes with breaking this kind of new, it has gone slow.
Like I wrote in my last post, wedding bells have rung. It's in both my bucket list and my dads for him to walk me down the isle.
We found out Friday he didn't have much time here on earth with us so that night Brandon and I did a lot of crying (I did all of it really) and talking about "our" furture. I had already made up my mind since the 10th that if we did find out my dad didn't have long, we would move fast on the wedding. But...I hadn't told Brandon. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to speak the words unless I had too. And...I did. So I asked Brandon and he was all for it.
We found out "the news" on Friday night and I knew I had to open at work on Saturday. It was past closing time Friday when we found out but I was able to let them know I was not going to be in for my shift Saturday. I knew I wasn't gonna be able to concentrate or even stop crying and no one wants a cashier checking them out who can't stop balling. So Saturday I woke up and cried myself awake. I took a shower and yelled at God. My poor loofah and shower wall got a good beating.
After getting ready for the day, Brandon and I headed to the mall. Being a girl, I had a idea in my head of a possible engagment ring. A amythest and square cut. We found one I like at the Glenbrook mall so we headed there. I looked to see if it was still there and then I decided to look at the other two jewlery places right next door. We got to the second one and were sold.
I found one I like better than the first and the price was right. We had told the seller that this was intended to be my engagement ring and what could we do about a wedding band. He took us to another case and had the perfect fit! So we bought them and took them straight to the hospital. My brother Benji, and his wife Toni, had come down from Elkhart, IN to spend the day with us. After making our entrance, we mentioned what we had done earlier that day.
I saw my daddie cry for the 6th time in my life.
Since Brandon had not asked me yet, I wasn't wearing it but we took them out and my daddie assured me with tears in his eyes that it would look lovely on my finger. Both my parents were tearing up but my mom was screaming AND crying. It was a great time and memory.
When my brother and sister-in-law were there at the hospital we had lots of visitors. We (Brandon and I) were kinda on the sidelines of the room. Everyone was talking and not paying attention to us so I wanted to look at the ring again. Brandon took it from me and asked, put in my finger and their it has remained since 3pm Saturday afternoon.
NO IDEA when or where or anything for that matter. We know were getting married before the Lord takes my daddie and that is about it.
We are waiting on some more tests to be done which will give us a better idea of a time line. With the kidneys being what they are we might have to move as fast as within the next couple weeks. Hopefully daddie will be strong enough make it till May so I won't have to get married and be in school at the same time but we just don't know yet.
It's such a tough thing. As a wise man once said, "You have to go through it. You can not go around it, above it, under it, you have to go thought it". -Jimmy O'Donnell.
And that's what I'm going to try to do. Key word: TRY.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Cancer.
Thursday February 10: Found out my dad has bladder cancer.
Monday February 21: My dad had stints put in his urethra to help drain his kidneys. And we didn't know it but he was way to close to renal failure. Your kidneys are supposed to work at 60. His were working at 12 and 14 and at 10 they put you on dialysis. So if he had waited he would've been in lots of trouble. Thankfully they were able to put in the stints ok. On Tuesday they had an appointment to find out what stage of cancer he had but when he woke up Tuesday he was so dizzy and nasueas that they had to reschedule. Which was good but bad for me. I wanted to know but I didn't so it was a weird feeling.
Wednesday February 23: My dad fainted and my mom had to call a ambulance. Around 8:00pm they were taken to Lutheran Hospital in Fort Wayne, IN (a half hour from where they live and where I currently live). Around 2:30am they were assigned a room. Around 4:30am they got settled into a room.
Thursday February 24: Around 10am we (my and my boyfriend Brandon) went go see my dad. I had to work at noon and had class at 6pm. After work we went back to the hospital and I decided to go to class late and stuck around. Since both my parents were taken to Lutheran in the ambulance they didn't have a car. My dads co-worker, Dee Street, was able to come to Fort Wayne and take my mom back to Huntington to get the car and get things they had forgotten the night before. When she was gone the specialist came and pretty much said another night is needed in the hospital. (If you're doing the math it's almost 24 hours of waiting already). He wanted make sure the kidneys are draining ok and everything is alright.
Friday February 25th: I skipped Geography class and went to the hospital to have lunch with my parents. I had to work 2-8 and after work I had plans to go out with my friend Gywen for her birthday yesterday. I knew my parents might find out what stage the cancer was while at was at work but there was also a chance the doctors wouldn't come and since she didn't call me while I was at work I thought everything was ok. So I called my mom on the way to the restaurant telling them I'd just see them tomorrow. My mom insists we both come to the hospital right way and won't tell me why after several pleas to know. So I turn around and pick Brandon up and head back to the hospital.
Half way there I know. I know it's bad and I start balling. I was driving and I don't know how we didn't get in a accident because I couldn't see. We get there, take the long walk through the hospital, up the elevator to floor 3, down the hallway and I stop right before you turn the corner to his room. I was hysterical. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry. Finally, after several attempts to stop crying (with the help from Brandon) we enter my dads room. They insist on calling my brother Benji and tell us the news at the same time. (My brother lives in Elkhart, IN about 3 hours north of Fort Wayne).So my dad calls and puts Benji on speaker phone.
The cancer has spread to his liver and possibly to his intestines. He is stage 4 cancer with 3-6 months to live.
Talk about tears.
I have seen my dad cry a total of four times.
1. When we came back from being missionaries in Papua New Guinea and he saw his parents after 5 years.
2. When his Uncle Bill died back in the late 90's.
3. When his dad died
4. When his mom died
Tonight makes 5.
Choking back tears while talking to me, my mom, my Brandon, and my brother he tells us the news. Radiation is out the question but chemo may help prolong his life. But with his kidneys not functioning properly, it could be shorter and the 3-6 months.
This is all thanks in part to the 42 radiation treatments he received while battling Hodgkins disease back in the 70's. The radiation basically fried his insides. Back then Hodgkins was 90% fatal. That's right, my daddie was in the 10% survival rate. 10%!!!!!! The doctors tonight told him that most people who had it back then aren't alive today and most of them who did survive the Hodgkins have passed over 10 to 15 years ago because their bodies couldn't handle what the radiation did to them. My dad made it 33 years. Not only did was he in the 10% survival rate but he doubled the amount of time he should have had. The Lord is good!
So what does this mean? A lot of questions and lots of tears.
A neat thing that happened tonight is we finally talked about something that has been on all four of our minds. My parents have talked about it and Brandon and I have talked about it but never have we all four talked about it. A wedding. You read right. A wedding. I already made up my mind since the 10th that if we got the news that we did today Brandon and I would speed things up. So...we are. We've been dating for over 4 years and have wanted to get married but money and never the right time has always held us back. But I'm determined to have my daddie walk me down the isle. My dad made sure it was something we wanted and by golly it is. I've wanted to marry Brandon (and vice versa) for some time but I also want my main man to be beside me down that isle. Nothing is set in stone and we still have things to work out and find out.
I'm in total disbelief. This can't be happening. This can't be happening to us! But it is. One is not supposed to lose their father this way and this soon. One isn't supposed to live with out their spouse so soon.
I have my second nephew to be born April 9th. My parents 2nd grandchild. But what about my children?? My dad will never be there for the first 7 1/2 years like he was for Quinton. My brother commented on a picture of my mom and dad and me this past Christmas. It dawned on me that there will probably be no more Christmas's all together. It's just too much. It's not fair. I know he doubled his time surviving Hodgkins but I want him to triple!!!! I NEED him to triple!!!
Why does this crap happen to the best? Someone please tell me why?
I guess because the Lord is selfish too. He wants the best with Him too. And I can't really blame Him but so do I. I should be thankful for the extra 33 years but I want 99 years.
I don't want to live without either of my parents. I don't want them to possibly miss my wedding or my children or my graduating college. They HAVE to be there!!!!!!!!!!
But they are not going to be. At least not both of them in person.
My stomach is in knots. My eyes stinging from all the tears and my cheeks and nose I'm afraid are permanently red.
I don't want to work or go to school ever again. But I have to in order to survive. There is rent to worry about and car payment and electric bills and if I quit school now I'd be worse off. But to go and act like everything is ok....it's going to be one of the hardest things in my 24 years. And I thought flying around the world by myself when I was 18 was the worst thing ever...it's a piece of cake compared to this!!!
I'll try to keep this updated as currently as possible. It's been really neat to hear from people that I haven't talked to in awhile or missionary friends who I have no idea how they found out. Technology is wonderful! Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts and messages. If I don't respond directly back to you, don't feel neglected. Sometimes it's just too difficult.
Thanks go out to each and every one of you. Please pray for strength and courage for all of us.
-Kristi
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