Josh Garrels and the Civil War

I'm currently sitting on the couch listening to Josh Garrels and I have the living room to myself. Brandon is away visiting family and Dayze is STILL in bed.  (She takes after her mother A LOT). 

Tomorrow is my first final for this semester.  It's for History 101.  We have to write a take home essay and then we have a in class portion as well.  The essay is about what were the causes and consequences of the Civil War and Reconstruction.  Man-o-man could I use dads expertise in this area.  He knew about all the battles and the generals and knew just about everything there was about his birth place, Gettysburg, PA.  He read countless books and watched all the Civil War movies.  Between his father and dad, we have our own Civil War and World War II library. 

Times like these make me feel like my father was a figment of my imagination.  I know he existed but it feels like my entire life was a dream and now I've awoken to find that everything I knew was just my imagination.  It's like I've become so attached to that dream that I don't know how to exist myself anymore.  

The day before dad died, I spent most of the day with him at the hospice home.  I played Josh Garrels for him.  He was in and out of sleep but it helped to soothe my soul.  When he would wake up I would make sure he heard the song The Rabbit and The Bear.  Not only because it's one of my favs but because there is a didgeridoo used in the song and I knew dad would enjoy it.  

Like I wrote in the last post, life is getting increasingly harder and harder without him.  I hate feeling like he was just a dream.  I hate living without him. 

Christmas Carols

I was doing the nightly cleaning at work last night and started to tear up as I became more aware of the Christmas music that was playing.  My dad usually sang in the Christmas Eve choir.  I haven't been able to go for the past 4 years because of work but this year I asked to have the early shift on Christmas Eve even though it will probably mean working 8-5 since we close at 6 Christmas Eve, but I hope to be able to make it to College Park Church in time on Christmas Eve to be there with my mom.

It's getting harder and harder to realize that life will go on without him.  It's sound weird but I don't want to be okay with going on with life.  I don't want it to become easier. I don't want to be okay that I can survive without him.

My heart continues to ache just as much as April 21st if not more.