This past Friday would've been my parents 38th wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would have this huge affect on me. I am so hurt that my mom had to spend it without my dad. So mad that he wasn't here.
I got her flowers. We both cried.
That same day (Friday) my mom, Brandon and I went to northern Kentucky for a wedding-one of my friends who I grew up with overseas was getting married. I was grateful we got to go. Brandon and I had already had plans to go but mom said she was going to go to a choir retreat that weekend. When we got closer to the day she decided she wanted to spend time with Benji, Toni (my brother and sister-in-law) and Mason (my youngest nephew) in Elkhart, IN and with Brandon and I. So she went up to Elkhart Thursday and Friday we went to the wedding.
There weren't that many missionary friends at the wedding but it was great that she got to see Annie and Kim (the brides mother and father) who she has known since 1991.
It was the first wedding we all had been to since dad had died and since Brandon and I got married. Megan (the bride) had grown up in Papua New Guinea since she was 3 and graduated from the high school there. Her now husband, Ilir, had grown up in Albania and come the states a couple years ago. His family was unable to come over to the states for the wedding but he had lots of support there. It was emotionally just being a wedding but it was also emotional because there was this jealously that Megan's dad was there to walk her down the isle and to give her away but also huge gratefulness that he was there for her.
Three guys that had also been MK's from Papua New Guinea were also there, Daniel, Clint, and Alex. I had grown up with Daniel and met Clint and Alex when I went back in 2005. It was SO great to see them and to catch up.
It was a beautiful wedding for a beautiful couple and I'm so glad we got to be there for it.
In any situation I can always picture would dad would be doing-his mannerisms-how he would move his head, how he would move his arms, how polite he would be, how and when he would laugh. He would've loved to see Annie and Kim again.
It's been 4 months since yesterday. And I remain feeling so out of place. I remain feeling in such disbelief that it hurts my head. My heart hurts more now that ever because every day I realized just a little bit more that I'm never going to see my dad on this earth. I wept so intensely last night because all I want to go at the end of today is to pick up the phone and tell my dad how my first day of school went. I know we would have lots to talk about this semester with having 2 history classes, Multicultural Studies, and Cultural Anthropology. He'd want to see my history books so he could look through them and I'd probably talk his ear off about things I'd learn in the other two classes.
It's such a struggle to wrap my head around why it was him. I know people say not to dwell on the why but it's a struggle not too. When there are so many people who actually deserve it, who lie and steal and drink themselves away every night and nothing happens to them. But then I have to switch gears in my thinking and remember that I serve a jealous God. Why wouldn't he want my dad up there in Heaven with him?
When we've been able to make it to the church we are currently attending, we've been studying Elijah and Elisha. Yesterday Pastor Denny talked about what legacy would you leave. If I could be selfless, honest and true, devoted to helping anyone and everyone, devoted to my family and devoted to God so intensely as my dad was, if i could live half the legacy my dad did, I'd be grateful. The verse that was given as a life verse today was Psalms 71:17
O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God do for not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those that come.
My daddie did just that.
