The death of my father has brought me to realize a lot of different things. I know I write it all the time, but I didn't realize how much I relied on him! (Part of the reason I haven't been keeping this blog up as best as I should is because of computer problems which dad would've helped me with and solved!!) I'm constantly reminded that my ally and spokesperson is no longer here.
While grieving the loss of my father, I've also been heavily grieving a loss of a relationship that ended some years ago for the other person and I didn't come realize that until recently. I've realized how loyal I am. I'm SO loyal that when it came to this friendship, I attended everything they were in, went out of my way to do things with them, for them....I was the one always writing to get together or calling to see them and I finally noticed that HEY! this is a one sided relationship and I'm not getting anything out of it!! The worst part was that once I stopped making the effort I went unnoticed. For so many years I haven't been fine without this person in my life and have made the effort to continue the relationship but they had forgotten about me like last Saturdays leftovers. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts. It STILL hurts and it's been years since I've been written out of their life.
In case you can't tell, I'm a dweller. I dwell on things too much and shoulda moved on about 7 years ago because it would have stopped a lot of heart ache and tears that were shed when I was left out all those times over the years. My dad was one of those people who maybe didn't fully understand how I felt because he had never been in that situation, but he understood to the fullest of his ability.
A memory that is so still fresh in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch across from him about two months before he died and he asked me if I had made contact with anyone to get come counseling. I just started to ball and he told me that he knew it would help. (He knew me SO well). I told him he didn't know...he didn't know what it was like to lose a parent too soon. Both his parent died of problems related to old age. And I know most people are never ready to lose a parent regardless if they are 58 or 85 but at age 85, death seems a little more ok I guess. He simple said, "I know. But I also know it will help you". He knew when to step in and be a parent. He knew what pushed my buttons and when he needed to take a step back. We were a lot alike in many ways but he was like the tortoise to anger and I the hare. He understood me when my mother did not.
There has been a couple huge incidents where I have completely whigged out and lost control and have gone into hysterics and poor Brandon has had to take the brunt of it. When my computer contracted a virus in the middle of last semester, I didn't know whether I should pay to fix it or get a new one. I freaked out. I just went hysterical and didn't know what to do. Brandon pulled me back into reality and patiently went from store to store and did all the talking and researching of what to do. And then he turned to me and said that I know that this is harder because this is something your dad would've helped you with. It didn't even dawn on me at the time. I was so lost in frustration and tears that it didn't even occur to me that I was like this because I couldn't go to my father aka my tech support.
Then there was the online English class...OH MY GOSH. It was a ridiculous class to begin with. The first 7 weeks the links didn't work and we had to do peer reviews which we couldn't do because the link wasn't working so we had to find and e-mail our class mates to get a paper to peer review. Then she kept wanting us to write a paper over this story in our textbook. Which was fine the first time. Then she wanted two more papers that were longer in than the first over the same story in the book but each time a different type of paper. The story in the book... was 2 pages long. I was SO frustrating by the second paper to try and squeeze more out of this short short story and then to write a even longer 3rd paper ON THE SAME STORY!!!!!! Her instructions were way to long...her syllabus was 12 pages long...front and back. It was insane. I was stressed out because of this class. So one night when I found out I had to write a FOURTH paper on the SAME 2 page story, I lost it. So I told Brandon I was thinking about dropping the class between sobs of frustration. Brandon was like "It's really not necessary for you to be this upset!" I had never been to that point though. I had never been beat by a class. I was on the Dean's List last semester (and made it this semester too!!) and had never even though to drop a class. Brandon told me he had taken two classes while living with his sister and working 15 hours a week and couldn't do. I was working 30+, not living at home so having to pay bills AND taking 4 classes. He said, "I think you are doing alright hunny. You really need your dad for this don't you." The flood waters were released.
I don't want to sound conceded or full of myself, but I really did have the most amazing man as a father. He was so patient and kind which are words that are overused but their truest meanings are what my father was. He was soft spoken and caring when he needed to be. Then there are those times when my full name was used. But even in those times, he was just what my adolescent "know-all" butt needed.
I wrote to a friend who had lost her father too soon as well and asked her, "how do you do it! How do you keep going!" She told me about a family friend who came up to her at her dads funeral and said, "This sucks! Don't let anyone tell you differently". SSOOOO true!!!
There are days where the outside world doesn't even know I'm screaming inside. There are many a days when Dayze (my dog aka my daughter) is the only person to hear me scream and cry. And then there are days when I have to keep reminding myself that while I only got 24 years with the most amazing man ever, they are 24 years more than a lot of people ever had.
