I know this new layout has 'Autumn Splendor' on the side and it's currently spring but daddie loved fall. It was his favorite season. And his favorite color is blue so I found it fitting.
I went to church with mom today (Brandon and I usually go to church in Fort Wayne). It was a great service. But caused lots of tears. All I could picture was daddie standing next to me singing and what a wonderful voice he had. I could imagine the way he moved his hands and head while singing to the Lord. How I miss that so. Pastor Gary even tied in my daddies death in the sermon-stating how mom took daddie in her arms at the end and reminded him of everyone who loves him here on Earth and everyone waiting for him in Heaven and that is was ok to leave. There are no words to explain that. Amazing, wonderful-those words aren't strong enough.
Tomorrow is daddie's viewing. We are lucky enough to have almost the whole family on both sides be able to celebrate daddies life with us. But I'm still waiting to walk into mom and dad's house and see dad sitting in his chair. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and how he had to duck his head because it was too low for him. I'm still waiting to hear/see the Cubs playing in every room. I'm still waiting to see him at the computer listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I'm still waiting. And I will be for a very long time.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Wait is Over.
God took my daddie early this morning. I got a call from hospice this morning 3:26AM and was in the car by 3:30AM. The lady from hospice told me on the phone that he might not make it before I get there and she even started crying on the phone. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive so I got Brandon and we made the 10 minute drive to get to the hospice home from my apartment. As we passed Fresh Market (where I work) I asked God to give me peace. That I didn't want him to take my daddie but if it was his time to make it fast and with no pain. And I was at peace. I stopped crying and felt Gods presence with me. We got there and ran inside. We hurried along the dark hallway and the three night shift nurses were all just staring at us. I started bawling. I opened the door and my mom was cradling his head and told me he was gone. I sank to the floor. I wanted to renege what I had just told God. I wasn't ready. I needed more time. I had more to say and more to share.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
I was able to spend about 6 hours with my dad yesterday with just us two. (Well, us two and the 82 nurses in and out all day). He was so sleepy like I wrote in my last post. He was dozing every couple minutes. I just let him rest and if he would make a noise I'd look make sure he was ok. After awhile he just wanted to stay up. So I suggested maybe watching tv. He said he'd try and we scanned through the channels. I found the Cubs game and we watched about 6 innings together. Although he did keep dozing on and off. He was able to see them win. My mom got back from Huntington and she brought food with her so I went down to the hospice kitchen and made myself something to eat. Since she was back I decided to take off. Last thing I said to my dad was I love you and last thing he said to me was "love you too". I haven't been giving him hugs because with all the tubes coming out of him and I didn't last night. I just assumed I'd see him today.
Even though I'm adopted I am scary similar to my dad. One thing we share in common is our love for chocolate. Chocolate ice cream was his last meal.
I don't know whats gonna happen now. With funeral plans and such but I'll be sure to update this when we know better.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Waiting
I'm sitting in a dark hospice room listening to Josh Garrels with my dad.
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Blessed Thru Pain
A lot has happened since I've last written.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
My parents have decided to turn from palliative care to hospice care.
Cancer Services of North East Indiana were able to provide my parents with a cot for my dad. Originally they had a water bed for the majority of their life. But with the tubes draining his kidneys, my dad has to sleep in the recliner to be comfortable enough to sleep. My mom would sleep on the couch to be able to sleep in the same room as my dad. So the other day, Brandon was able to help get the water bed down and someone gave them regular mattress and frame so now they have dads cot and moms new mattress pushed together in their bed room. It's made a great change so my dad doesn't have to spend day and night in the same room. He now has somewhere to go at night and somewhere to go during the day. With all this happening, my parents have had lots of family stop by. We just had my Aunt Joan (my moms sister) and her husband Brian here from North Carolina. Three weeks ago we had my Uncle Tom (dads oldest brother) and his wife Barb from Michigan here and my Uncle Tim (dads youngest brother) and his wife Patti here from Pennsylvania. My moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen were able to make a day trip from Brookville, IN and my my moms cousins from Connersville were also to come up a couple weeks ago. I hear my dads friends from high school from around Gettysburg, PA are trying to make a visit too. It's been amazing to see old friendships of my parents get sparked again. It just makes me sad that it took this to make it happen. But a wise women told me (Kathi Elliott) that that is just the way things happen. No one means for it to happen but everyone gets busy with their own lives and you grow apart but it's wonderful when you can reconnect again like no time went by.
A GREAT and AMAZING and HUGE blessing that has graced my parents past week is a new roof from the help from the community of College Park UB church. My parents needed a new roof for a couple years. The home they live in is a manufactured home and no one told them when they bought it that they can't refinance it. So when things like a a new roof was needed, they just couldn't do it. So a week ago Satuday about a dozen or so men from College Park come with everything for a new roof and went to town. It's been a huge blessing. Thanks to the guys who helped out with the roof and the women who helped out with the food.
As for wedding plans, we know the the photographer, the hair dresser, the caterer, the cake, the place, and THE DRESS!!! Not just the dress but THE dress. The dress of my dreams which I thought it wasn't possible but with the help of others, it worked out. And if anyone is getting married go see Lyndi at Davids Bridal. You will not be sorry. She is phenomenal!!
My dad was able to leave the house for the first time in over a month this past Wednesday. From what I understand there was a meeting for LOVE INC. (the organization my dad works for). At first my dad and mom weren't sure if he was going to be able to make it. Richard Strick, who is a pastor in Huntington and on the board for LOVE, insisted that my parents set up Skype so if my dad couldn't come he would still be able to be there in a way. My mom couldn't figure out why he was so persistent. Well Wednesday when they were able to go to the meeting, they found out. My dad was award the Heart of a Servant award. A very honoring and amazing award to be given. My dad had no idea. (P.S. Richard: if you read this, good idea keeping the secret from my mom. She totally would've told him!) My dad had even given his suggestions of who should get the award. It was a fantastic thing that he was able to receive the award and to receive it in person.
Every day I dread. I want to stop time. This anxiety and waiting game is the absolute worst thing I've ever gone through. The worst part is, there is more "worse" to come.
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