On Thanksgiving, we always go to my uncle's in Brookville, IN. Today is no different. But at the same time entirely different.
My moms side of the family isn't exactly the closest of families and Thanksgiving is always a good reminder that we aren't. But I always could count on my dad to go to when everyone else was playing Ucher. My mom, being the social butterfly that she is, walks into the room and instantly has no problem fitting in. My father and I, not being social butterflies, would slowly move around the room and find our way in.
This year, since my security blanket won't be there, it's going to tougher than ever. Brandon has to work so he won't be there to entertain me either.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to be thankful for 24 years with the best man I knew.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Mud and Rage
I don't have any more homework than usual. Work is the same. (Can't get much different!) I rarely see my husband but that's been the case for months. Really, things are how they usually are but I am producing some of the worse homework of my life. I can't think. I can't find the words I want to use. The word I'm looking for is constantly on the tip of my tongue and never in my fingers ready to be typed. It's beyond aggravating!
I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not. I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet. I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today. The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here. I wouldn't need time off of school. I wouldn't need time of off life in general. There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!! I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I'm feeling this way.
And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know. But it will be okay." He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I. He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it". Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.
Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress. I'll never forget that night. After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch. My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills. Like always, my dad was being the mediator. It was just him and I in the living room. (Mom was in the computer room). He asked me if I had someone to talk too. He could tell that everything was getting to me. (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics). I just started bawling. He said that he knew what it was like. And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt. Yes, he had lost both of his parents. But they had both lived long and good lives. He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be. I'll never forget that night. I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves. I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles.
I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday. I could finally tell her I felt completely alone. Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned. Most of the time, it was 2 against 2. Now it's 2 against 1.
I have all this rage that I never had before. And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world. I hate that time is going on without him. I hate that he isn't here!
Sorry for this angry post.
I've been struggling whether I need time off from school or not. I haven't scheduled for classes for the Spring semester yet. I made the appointment to talk to my advisor today. The worst part of this entire thing is...I wouldn't be feeling this way if my dad were still here. I wouldn't need time off of school. I wouldn't need time of off life in general. There wouldn't be any doubt if taking time off was the right thing or not because there would be nothing to doubt!!!! I would freakin' know what to do! I wouldn't worry about my mom's situation constantly and have it eating away at me because I can't do more. I HATE that he isn't here. I HATE that I'm feeling this way.
And yet every time I get like this, which is pretty much every night, I always hear my dad's voice saying, "I know. But it will be okay." He and I were A LOT a like but he was always more level headed than I. He was always the one to say, "I know it stinks, but you will get through it". Then there is me sreaming and crying that I hate it and how mad I am.
Even though my daddie didn't get to walk me down the isle, he got to see my in my wedding dress. I'll never forget that night. After I had changed back in my normal clothes I was sitting on the couch. My mom and I were getting into about her lack of organizing skills. Like always, my dad was being the mediator. It was just him and I in the living room. (Mom was in the computer room). He asked me if I had someone to talk too. He could tell that everything was getting to me. (We were so in-tuned even without the same genetics). I just started bawling. He said that he knew what it was like. And I calmed myself down enough to tell he didn't know how it felt. Yes, he had lost both of his parents. But they had both lived long and good lives. He wasn't robbed of his father as I was about to be. I'll never forget that night. I can still see him sitting in his recliner with his sweatpants with the elastic around the legs and his pant legs pushed up to his calves. I was constantly pulling on his pant legs to get them back toward the ankles.
I had a good and long conversation with my mom last Sunday. I could finally tell her I felt completely alone. Not only because my husband has a had a hard time relating, but because my dad and I were so in-tuned and my mom and brother are so in-tuned. Most of the time, it was 2 against 2. Now it's 2 against 1.
I have all this rage that I never had before. And I wouldn't have it if I wasn't robbed of my world. I hate that time is going on without him. I hate that he isn't here!
Sorry for this angry post.
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