Bought myself a piece of chocolate cake today. The same chocolate cake I bought for my daddie for Fathers Day last year and the year before that.
I feel like I will never to 100% myself again. I feel so hurt to my core. I feel so angry and so mad. Words aren't can't even begin to explain. I miss him so deeply and so strongly. I've never imagined in a million years I would be going through this. It's always someone else. These kind of things never happen to "me". I suppose it can be compared to someone who has gone through a hurricane or some huge storm and lost everything. Except at this point, I'd rather lose all my belongings just to have my daddie back.
He was in my dream two nights ago. In my dream I knew he had died. My mom and I were walking by a forest and we look over and see a man walking towards us from the forest wearing a Cubs t-shirt. We realize it's my dad and we're so confused. I stop in my tracks and I start to cry and say "You're not supposed to be here. You're dead! What are you doing here??" He gives me a hug around the shoulder and says, "It's ok. I'm here" I could feel his hand around me. I could picture his hands and his freckly arm. I could see his baby blue eyes and his silvery hair.
I miss him with everything I am. I know some of you unfortunately can relate to my situation but for the most of you, I wish you're parents will die old. I wish this pain upon no one.
This is a posting my dad wrote on Facebook after I wrote the March 10th blog posting titled 'Untitled'. It shows how truly selfless and devoted he was...
Kristi, you made me cry again! I am a blessed man to a loving wife and two great kids that love me dearly.
I'm glad you are able to express your frustration and anger with God. But I am also glad that you recognize God's hand protecting me ...through these many years after the Hodgkin's disease since 1976! I am especially please that God brought you and Benji into my life to have someone call me Dad! We serve a God who does know our pain! Jesus suffered more than I can even imagine! He pleaded with his father to take this suffering away. But in the end, He followed His Father's will.
I don't like this road we are on but I sense this holding my hand. This hand has a scar right in the middle. He is going to walk us through this. He understands our pain and grief.
I love you and Benji!
Your Dad
It's been INCREDIBLY hard for me to put effort into anything these days. I'm so much more irritated faster and easier than ever now. When people start talking about their problems that can't even begin to compare to my situation I go into attack mode. Unless you have lost a parent too young, you don't know what I'm going through. It seems harsh, but what I'm going through is off the charts compared to what you are-----this is how I feel.
It's also incredibly hard to be forgotten. Once dad died, the letters stopped. The "how are you doing" stopped. It's hard to be forgotten when you're in such a enormous amount of pain. I know life goes on but I'm still just as hurt if not more than ever. I feel so guilty for not mentioning to my friends who have lost a parent to early that they still remain in my mind, now more than ever.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Belonging???
Yesterday there was a benefit in honor of my dad for my mom to help out with bills and whatever else she needs.
A lot of people showed up! A lot of people I didn't expect to show up which really meant a lot including 3 out of the 4 of Brandon's sisters and moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen.
It was great to have so much family there and to see those who came to the benefit. I was so happy that they made the effort and wanted to be there. It just sucked entirely that the reason we were all gathered together is because my dad is dead.
I'm so glad that most people don't have to go through this journey that I am now. It is not for just anyone to experience. What made God think I could handle this I have NO idea.
There are hourly reminders that he is gone. I hate waking up knowing at the end of the day marks another day that time has passed and it's now 6 weeks since he's been gone. I dread everyday. I dread knowing that someday I'll have to say "he's been gone for a year, for five years, for ten".
Mom seems to be handling it as best she can. I truly believe that my dad having cancer back in the 70's prepared her for imagining life without her husband. It doesn't hurt that her therapy is to talk and she has gotten a lot of opportunity to do such.
Besides the fact that dad is gone, one of THE hardest things is to listen to people stories of how their life is horrible. I know they don't mean to be insensitive but it's just sssoooooooooo hard.
Mom and I went to the 509 Community, a church in Huntington, last Sunday to see a good friend of ours, Nabrissa, that was on a short furlough from Senegal, Africa and we stayed for most of the service. I had gone to the 509 for 6 years. Nabrissa and her husband Tim decided to go to Senegal a year ago and Brandon and I decided then to leave the 509. We loved the preacher, Heath and seeing Tim and Nabrissa every week, but nothing else. But since Nabrissa was in town and was there, we went to see her. My mom was greeted by the new pastor and others before the service. Afterwards my mom mentioned how strange it was for everyone to say hi to her and ask how she was doing when no one asked about me yet I had been the one to go there for 6 years. I hadn't thought about that until she said something. I told her, I wouldn't expect them to even know my name. And it's true-the new pastor introduced himself to me yesterday at the benefit apolizing he didn't earlier last Sunday when I'm pretty sure I've been going to that church longer than him. Like I said, we loved the way Heath taught and seeing Tim and Nabrissa, and that was it.
It's so hard to find that niche. That community sense. I left College Park (my parents church) half way thru high school because it wasn't there. I stayed at a church were a girl who had been going to the 509 less than I introduced herself to me like I was new. We now go to Emmanuel in Fort Wayne but one of the biggest churches in Fort Wayne. We are foruntate enough to have another married couple who we've created a great bond with that goes there which is why we found ourselves there.
At such a time I crave for the feeling of belonging. I've always struggled with never feeling like I belong. I'm a Mexican-American who was adopted, grew up in Papua New Guinea and now live in Fort Wayne, IN. Where do I belong to begin with? Where is home? Let alone to feel so alone spiritually. Not in the sense that I don't feel God's presence but in the sense that there is no Christian community. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this for years. And now when I need it the most, it's no where to be found.
A lot of people showed up! A lot of people I didn't expect to show up which really meant a lot including 3 out of the 4 of Brandon's sisters and moms brother Greg and his wife Colleen.
It was great to have so much family there and to see those who came to the benefit. I was so happy that they made the effort and wanted to be there. It just sucked entirely that the reason we were all gathered together is because my dad is dead.
I'm so glad that most people don't have to go through this journey that I am now. It is not for just anyone to experience. What made God think I could handle this I have NO idea.
There are hourly reminders that he is gone. I hate waking up knowing at the end of the day marks another day that time has passed and it's now 6 weeks since he's been gone. I dread everyday. I dread knowing that someday I'll have to say "he's been gone for a year, for five years, for ten".
Mom seems to be handling it as best she can. I truly believe that my dad having cancer back in the 70's prepared her for imagining life without her husband. It doesn't hurt that her therapy is to talk and she has gotten a lot of opportunity to do such.
Besides the fact that dad is gone, one of THE hardest things is to listen to people stories of how their life is horrible. I know they don't mean to be insensitive but it's just sssoooooooooo hard.
Mom and I went to the 509 Community, a church in Huntington, last Sunday to see a good friend of ours, Nabrissa, that was on a short furlough from Senegal, Africa and we stayed for most of the service. I had gone to the 509 for 6 years. Nabrissa and her husband Tim decided to go to Senegal a year ago and Brandon and I decided then to leave the 509. We loved the preacher, Heath and seeing Tim and Nabrissa every week, but nothing else. But since Nabrissa was in town and was there, we went to see her. My mom was greeted by the new pastor and others before the service. Afterwards my mom mentioned how strange it was for everyone to say hi to her and ask how she was doing when no one asked about me yet I had been the one to go there for 6 years. I hadn't thought about that until she said something. I told her, I wouldn't expect them to even know my name. And it's true-the new pastor introduced himself to me yesterday at the benefit apolizing he didn't earlier last Sunday when I'm pretty sure I've been going to that church longer than him. Like I said, we loved the way Heath taught and seeing Tim and Nabrissa, and that was it.
It's so hard to find that niche. That community sense. I left College Park (my parents church) half way thru high school because it wasn't there. I stayed at a church were a girl who had been going to the 509 less than I introduced herself to me like I was new. We now go to Emmanuel in Fort Wayne but one of the biggest churches in Fort Wayne. We are foruntate enough to have another married couple who we've created a great bond with that goes there which is why we found ourselves there.
At such a time I crave for the feeling of belonging. I've always struggled with never feeling like I belong. I'm a Mexican-American who was adopted, grew up in Papua New Guinea and now live in Fort Wayne, IN. Where do I belong to begin with? Where is home? Let alone to feel so alone spiritually. Not in the sense that I don't feel God's presence but in the sense that there is no Christian community. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this for years. And now when I need it the most, it's no where to be found.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)