6 months.

It is incredibly hard to wrap my mind around my dad being gone 6 months today.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.

Then again, it feels like he has been gone a lot longer than 6 months.

I feel life going back to normal.  That isn't to say I don't weep anymore or that I'm out of this blanket of depression.  (Dayze (my daughter aka miniature pinscher) can account for the weeping).  But a part of me feels like he has always been gone.  This part, I hate more than anything.  It's so hard to explain.  I still remember everything about him; his voice, his freckly arms and his baby blue eyes.  When he would laugh and make that Fetrow noise of disgust with his mouth.  But I feel like he has never been here, like it's my imagination that my dad existed.  

It cry almost every time during worship at church.  I can hear my dad singing.  I can picture when he would lift his arms and move his head.  He was a music teacher for years and that old motion of directing music would kick in when he would sing.  He had such a beautiful voice.  And all I want in the world is for him to be standing next to me singing.

My husband Brandon was been dealing with a severely infected tooth the past 5 days.  We hardly get anytime together because I usually work 1st shift and he works 2nd's.  But since he has been in so much pain and sick, he and I both have stayed home from work and I skipped a class.  So we watched a lot of movies since he couldn't do anything else.  Brandon suggested watching the Harry Potter series.  Normally I wouldn't mind but being the 6 month anniversary of dad being gone, it made me emotional.  Dad, Brandon, and I watched all the Harry Potters together.  We would go see them in the theaters.  Dad would buy the tickets and Brandon and I would by the popcorn and soda. In the months before he died we watched them all again from the beginning along with Pirates of the Caribbean.  He loved action movies like Oceans 11-13, The Bourne Trilogy, Lord of the Rings.  One of the last movie we watched together was Where Eagles Dare.  It is a movie that we watched probably 5 dozen time when we lived overseas.  I can still remember my brother and his friends watching it for his birthday.  I bought Where Eagles Dare for my dad for Christmas.  He was so thrilled. 

Everything reminds me of him.  Everything reminds me he isn't here anymore.

I miss him with everything I am.  I am engulfed in so much anger that I was robbed of him.

Dad with his granddaughter, Dayze

Christmas Tree

I weep almost every day but most recently I've been stressing over the Christmas tree.

Christmas tree you say?  Yes.

Why?

Because it was always up to my dad to put the tree together.  He has his system.  We would put it up the day after Thanksgiving.  He would start from the bottom with the branches and wind around the lights as he went up.  It made the tree have more lights and more wonderfulness!  He would listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Christmas cd and yes...Kenny G.  I would have bought him some Pumpkin Spice coffee so he could drink it while putting up the tree.  I remember last year we came over as he was in the middle of putting up the tree.  He was sitting on the floor with his Colts hoodie on jiving to a Christmas song.  Since he was sitting on the floor he got bombarded by Dayze.

When dad passed one of the first things I cried to Brandon about is, "who is going to put up the Christmas tree?"  He was like, "It's April!  Why are you worrying about a Christmas tree?". 

I know it's silly but so much has already changed too much.  I miss him so much everyday.

My dad loved history.  He was really intrigued about John Adams.  In my History 101 class last week we watched the first episode of a John Adams HBO special.  I just wanted to cry right there in class.  I couldn't call dad on the way home and tell him about it.  It's something he would've enjoyed a lot and I couldn't share it with him. 

This is the kind of thing that is getting a lot harder before there is any glimpse of getting better.  My classes are a constant reminder of dad.  Every other item I ring up at work I can somehow work back to dad.  The leaves turning...my music, Dayze, being at moms house...everything is a constant reminder he isn't here.

When my parents decided to go on finish from Wycliffe, we went back home in the summer to sell the house and pack up and we flew back in October.  As we flew back into America, the leaves were turning and my dad would constantly say, "Have I ever told you?"  Which was meant, "Have I ever told you that fall is my favorite time of year?"  He continued this until the end.  Every fall it was... "Have I ever told you?"  And then my response, "No dad, you haven't". 

Last summer, like every summer of the past 6 years, my bestie Cari and I went to see Dave Matthews Band,  Last year it was in Chicago at Wrigley Field.  I must have sent my dad a dozen pictures of Chicago and the concert. DMB decided to make the concert we were at a live cd.  Cari had pre-ordered us the cd and I was ssoooo excited!  I told my dad and couldn't wait to share it with him.   We never got a chance to listen to it together.  Dad knew my passion for DMB.  He even downloaded the DMB app on his iPod Touch for me.  We came over for dinner one night and he handed me the iPod with the DMB app pulled up and said, "Got you something".  He loved the saxophonist of DMB and I loved sharing the music with him.

About 4 1/2 years ago I had told my parents that Brandon and I were considering getting a dog.  My mom was not okay with the idea and let me know about it.  Well, that didn't stop with falling in love with Dayze the first time I set eyes on her and then twisting Brandon's arm into letting her stay at his place.  The day after we got her, I took her over to my parents house.  My mom wasn't home but my dad was.  I called him and told him to come outside.  He came out and took one look at Dayze and started laughing.  The grass was taller than her and the tiniest collar I could find was still too big for her.  She didn't even weigh a pound.  But dad loved her.  Dayze is not a fan of men.  In fact she hates any strange man with a passion.  But Dayze and her Papaw Bill, they were amazing together.  Even when he was sick, she would stay on his lap and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 

I completely and fully understand why they call it a broken heart.