I found out today that a MK (missionary kid) friend of mine lost his mother. We were in the same class and he is one of the ones that was there when we left as a family and was there when I returned in 2005.
It's so amazing how your heart can already be in pieces because of your own pain and then it will find the biggest of those already tiny shards and shatter even more. It breaks my heart to know I already have friends out there who have lost a father or mother at this young age but then when it happens again, it's equally if not more heart breaking because I know exactly what they are going though. This is not the kind of club you want to belong to.
My heart truly goes out to the Walkers. I know all to well that you are feeling.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Firsts.
I had already thought about what the first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthdays would be like without dad. Granted it will be way worse than I can imagine when the time comes. But there are ssooooooooo many more firsts that didn't cross my mind. Like the first trip to West Harrison, IN (where my moms youngest brother lives) and Brookville, IN (where my moms middle brother lives). The last 4 years of traveling down there to see family we always took my car but my dad drove. I always sat behind my dad when my mom and brother or Brandon were along. Since my dad had longer legs and I had shorter, it was just a given that I would always sit behind him. This past weekend my cousin had his graduation in West Harrison and my mom went down for it. The first trip without dad. I so desperately wanted to be staring at the little opening of the back of his Cubs hat and see his silvery hair in my seat behind his. I so desperately wanted him to be there when there was no one to talk to so I could just go to where he was and lock arms and just stand and listen to his conversation. Or find him and take his iPod Touch out of his belt clip or shirt pocket and try to beat his score on Centipede. I so desperately wanted...want him to be.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
I was looking though my checkbook ledger and I came across last year when I started school last year and dad had loaned me money for my school books. This school year will be the first I can't call my dad to tell him about my first day. And it makes me beyond furious!!! It makes me so angry and mad and everything in between.
I don't cry anymore. I weep. Every time tears come, it's no longer just tears, it weeping to the fullest extent. It's being so completely and utterly crushed .
My hope is to not only want to wake up someday but to realize I'm not the only one feeling this and there are things happening in this world that deserve my attention.
 |
| After dad just did the bike part of a triathlon--15 mile bike ride |
Thursday, July 21, 2011
3 months.
Today marks 3 months since my dad has been gone.
It getting harder and harder to be without him. I struggle by the hour. Some days are better than others but some are way worse than others. My mind won't stop reeling. As I laid down for bed last night all I could think about was the night the hospice home called me to tell me he probably won't make it until I got there. 3 months ago at this very time Brandon, my mom, and I were all getting ready to leave the hospice home. Without my dad.
I not only struggle to be without my dad but to also with other peoples problems. That sounds so insensitive. And it is. It's hard to know that people are just carrying on with their lives and have forgotten what pain and huge sorrow I'm dealing with. That sounds conceited. And it is. I don't want people to go out of their way and think about me but then again I want the whole world to stop.
My mom is going to try to keep the house. The 3rd most difficult thing we've been dealing with is all the financial stuff. She has got almost all the medical bills from my dad taken care of which has been wonderful. But about a year ago I think, wires were crossed between my dad and the life insurance he had been paying on for 15+ years. Lets just saw my mom didn't send up with much at all.
I hate having to see my mom struggle and have to decide whether or not she can keep the house and what expenses she has to get rid of. Everyone keeps telling her not make any decisions in the first year but she has been forced too. No one should have to do that.
Luckily she thinks she will be able to keep the house. She has planned to rent out the two extra rooms to college students this year to help her reach the amount needed every month in order to keep the house. She is excited about it. We did this for a couple years when we lived in the house on Guilford St. It just shouldn't have come to that. It just adds to the already down and hurt me.
This is such a excruciating hurt and pain. Not only does today mark 3 months since he has been gone but 2 months that I've been married. I know Brandon understands to the fullest extent that he can how much I hurt and how much I'm struggling. He never had parents like mine. My in-laws are complete opposite of my parents. Even though I didn't marry into awesome in-laws like Brandon did, I'm so grateful that he got to see what a stable, true, honest, wonderful, loving, Christian marriage can look like. Brandon was close with my dad. I know he misses my dad immensely. When my dad became unable to leave the house, Brandon would always go down to Huntington even on days I couldn't and talk with my dad and play the Wii, always making sure they were games my dad could play sitting down. Brandon and my dad were a lot alike--both love history and love to read and learn all the can about history. Both so selfless in their actions. Brandon hasn't played the Wii since my dad has died and I know it's because of my dad.
I remember the very night I told my parents I was dating a older man. My brother had been dating a girl a year younger than I and it was causing my parents lots of white hairs. So when I was taken back by a guy that was a year older than my brother I was SSOOOO nervous to tell them and even left them in the dark about it for awhile just to make sure that I wouldn't be wasting their time on getting to know this guy if it wasn't going to work out. When I realized that this guy was going to be around for awhile at least, I knew I had to break the news to my parents. It was a Friday night and I remember my dad sitting on the couch talking about my brother and this younger girl. I can see it now-- "So, what would you say if I was dating a older guy?" I said. "Well, how much older?" dad replied. I cringed and got ready for the reaction. "7 years" I said. There was a pause and you could see my dads eyes pondering this. "Well, how old will you be in a couple months?" he asked. "19" I replied. Another pause. "Well, you are much more mature than your brother ever was at your age and I trust you are making wise decisions." It took everything inside of me to keep from jumping for joy and to keep my jaw up from the floor. Knowing my parents didn't approve of my brothers relationship I was terrified of what they would think of mine. That same night, all 3 of us went up to Bob Evans were Brandon was serving at the time. Brandon didn't know I broke the news to my parents. We asked to be seated in Brandon's section and Brandon got a pleasant surprise. My parents were hesitant at first. Naturally. I don't blame them. But Brandon sure won them over. I swear Brandon always gets the first hugs from my mom when we see her. Even Quinton always asks where Brandon is if he isn't there or will gravitate towards Brandon if he is. I'm so lucky how much my dad loved Brandon and how much Brandon loved him in return.
It getting harder and harder to be without him. I struggle by the hour. Some days are better than others but some are way worse than others. My mind won't stop reeling. As I laid down for bed last night all I could think about was the night the hospice home called me to tell me he probably won't make it until I got there. 3 months ago at this very time Brandon, my mom, and I were all getting ready to leave the hospice home. Without my dad.
I not only struggle to be without my dad but to also with other peoples problems. That sounds so insensitive. And it is. It's hard to know that people are just carrying on with their lives and have forgotten what pain and huge sorrow I'm dealing with. That sounds conceited. And it is. I don't want people to go out of their way and think about me but then again I want the whole world to stop.
My mom is going to try to keep the house. The 3rd most difficult thing we've been dealing with is all the financial stuff. She has got almost all the medical bills from my dad taken care of which has been wonderful. But about a year ago I think, wires were crossed between my dad and the life insurance he had been paying on for 15+ years. Lets just saw my mom didn't send up with much at all.
I hate having to see my mom struggle and have to decide whether or not she can keep the house and what expenses she has to get rid of. Everyone keeps telling her not make any decisions in the first year but she has been forced too. No one should have to do that.
Luckily she thinks she will be able to keep the house. She has planned to rent out the two extra rooms to college students this year to help her reach the amount needed every month in order to keep the house. She is excited about it. We did this for a couple years when we lived in the house on Guilford St. It just shouldn't have come to that. It just adds to the already down and hurt me.
This is such a excruciating hurt and pain. Not only does today mark 3 months since he has been gone but 2 months that I've been married. I know Brandon understands to the fullest extent that he can how much I hurt and how much I'm struggling. He never had parents like mine. My in-laws are complete opposite of my parents. Even though I didn't marry into awesome in-laws like Brandon did, I'm so grateful that he got to see what a stable, true, honest, wonderful, loving, Christian marriage can look like. Brandon was close with my dad. I know he misses my dad immensely. When my dad became unable to leave the house, Brandon would always go down to Huntington even on days I couldn't and talk with my dad and play the Wii, always making sure they were games my dad could play sitting down. Brandon and my dad were a lot alike--both love history and love to read and learn all the can about history. Both so selfless in their actions. Brandon hasn't played the Wii since my dad has died and I know it's because of my dad.
I remember the very night I told my parents I was dating a older man. My brother had been dating a girl a year younger than I and it was causing my parents lots of white hairs. So when I was taken back by a guy that was a year older than my brother I was SSOOOO nervous to tell them and even left them in the dark about it for awhile just to make sure that I wouldn't be wasting their time on getting to know this guy if it wasn't going to work out. When I realized that this guy was going to be around for awhile at least, I knew I had to break the news to my parents. It was a Friday night and I remember my dad sitting on the couch talking about my brother and this younger girl. I can see it now-- "So, what would you say if I was dating a older guy?" I said. "Well, how much older?" dad replied. I cringed and got ready for the reaction. "7 years" I said. There was a pause and you could see my dads eyes pondering this. "Well, how old will you be in a couple months?" he asked. "19" I replied. Another pause. "Well, you are much more mature than your brother ever was at your age and I trust you are making wise decisions." It took everything inside of me to keep from jumping for joy and to keep my jaw up from the floor. Knowing my parents didn't approve of my brothers relationship I was terrified of what they would think of mine. That same night, all 3 of us went up to Bob Evans were Brandon was serving at the time. Brandon didn't know I broke the news to my parents. We asked to be seated in Brandon's section and Brandon got a pleasant surprise. My parents were hesitant at first. Naturally. I don't blame them. But Brandon sure won them over. I swear Brandon always gets the first hugs from my mom when we see her. Even Quinton always asks where Brandon is if he isn't there or will gravitate towards Brandon if he is. I'm so lucky how much my dad loved Brandon and how much Brandon loved him in return.
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