Bittersweet

I never imagined I'd be getting married like this.  But then again, what girl does?

Nothing about today is how I imagined it!!!!

I never imagined I'd be marrying a guy like Brandon.  Not to say that he isn't "the one" but I always pictured someone different.  If circumstances didn't happen the way they did, we might not have gotten married for at least another year, maybe more!  I wanted to get married in the fall.  Maybe the middle of October wedding.  In fact, the only thing about this wedding that is happening the way I imagined it is the colors!  Dark purple and chocolate brown.

I've gotten a lot of "you're dad will be there in spirit looking down on you"...kinda stuff.  (And I know there is probably more of that to come).  And I know people feel like they have to say something.  I was once on the other side too.  But a good friend of mine who unfortunately is dealing with a similar thing, once said that he knows how difficult times like these can be and knows that sometimes words aren't the right thing to say.

It's no secret.  I wish my daddie was here today.  I wish he was here yesterday when I was freaking out.  He always knew how to fix things.  He knew where my buttons were and how to steer clear.  Out of my parents, my dad was the one who knew how to handle me the best.  It's already a tough day just waking up and knowing he isn't here.  And to get married exactly a month since he died doesn't help.  Or does it?  Maybe this marriage will be the glue for my heart.  Granted it won't be like it once was: completely whole.  Nothing is never the same if you have to glue it back together.  But we can try.

In Pieces

My world is upside down.  It is such a unreal feeling to know I can't pick up the phone and call my dad.  I won't walk into my parents house and see him sitting in his chair.  And he won't be walking me down the isle in 6 days.

We had a private family viewing the Monday after he died.  All the family that was already here gathered at the funeral home.  Something that was really important to me was having current pictures of my dad at his viewings.  But they were all on my computer and needed to be printed.  I went to Walmart the night before but got there too late.  So I woke up early Monday and went up.  I picked the ones I wanted and waited.  When I went back to pick them  up, the lady at the counter was having a bad day and taking it out on her customers (like me).  Apparently the printer had run out of paper and it was taking her FOREVER to get fixed.  I finally get the pictures.  I go back to my moms house to get ready.  I'm still waiting on Brandon at this point to get to Huntington with blank cds so I can burn the music I put together for the funeral home to play at the viewing.  He finally gets there and I'm getting ready while burning cds and putting together the new pictures.  We get up to the funeral home and everyone is already there minus my brother and his wife.  A few minutes later they show up.  We all gather around and pray and then get ready to see my dad in the casket.  If my dad had been there, I would have immediately been beside him.  Whenever there were crowds of people around, I would be beside dad.  He was my paper and I was his glue.  It was just the way it worked.  Since he wasn't there, I took my brothers arm instead.  He aloud me to just link my arms around his arm and we walked in. 

Tears streaming down my face.  Anger building up.  Loneliness sinking in.  Reality setting in.

My heart has never known this strong of hurt.  It engulfs and consumes you.  I HATE the fact that he isn't here.  I have never been so angry and hurt in my 24 years combined at my dad.  Standing by his casket at the funeral home I just wept.  Every inch of me was so mad and angry at my dad for leaving me.  I so desperately wanted to scream and shout and yell.


Orginally my mom agreed to a open casket for the family viewing.  She was so surprised how good he looked that she consulted my brother and I to see if it was alright to leave it open for the public viewing.  Both my brother and mom didn't care either way.  Me on the other hand.  I couldn't bare the thought of closing it because then I couldn't see him.  Even though he was dead, it still left like he was still here with the coffin open.  So my mom left it open.

So many people poured though the funeral home.  Many surprises of people who thought highly of my dad.  Old and new friends.  Co-workers of my dads, my moms, and even mine.

It then came time to leave the funeral home.  It was already decided that the casket would be closed at the church for the one hour viewing before the service.

I again wanted to yell at the top of my lungs.  I was and still am so angry.  So engulfed in anger.  I didn't want them to close the casket.  It meant the end for me.  I couldn't ever see my dad again.  Pictures just aren't the same.  Even though he isn't alive, just keeping the casket open was a way for me to still have him here.  I just wanted everyone to leave and leave me with my dad and just stay like that forever. 

As you guess by the top sentences, the wedding is still on.  No idea how I'm going to get through it.  Everyone keeps telling me he will be here in spirit and he is watching from Heaven.  But I think even my dad would agree that he would rather be here.