This past year as gone by faster than any year of my life before it. In just less than a month it will mark the one year anniversary of finding out my dad had cancer again. Unfortunately it fell on the birthday of probably the longest known friend of the family, John Nystrom, and one of my longest known friends, the beautiful Haebin (Lee) Wotring. Their birthdays are now associated with the day we found my dad's cancer was back.
I was sitting at the break table at work. I just broke down sobbing. I had to clock back in and Sarah Howe noticed I was upset and I told her the news. She just hugged me. All someone can really do at the moment really. I went back up to the front and Katie Kauffman noticed I was upset as well. As if she already knew she asked if it had something to do with my dad. I nodded and started crying again and went to the sanctuary of the bathroom. When I returned I talked with my friend Gywen. She comforted me as best she could and let me go home early. I got home and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act or what my next step was.
Honestly, this feels like it was yesterday. I still feel like I have time to talk to my dad and see him and to hear his voice again.
This past semester at college was my favorite. I had Cultural Anthropology, Multicultural Studies, US History 101, and World Civilizations 101. I've never been that great at school. I was never that bad but I was pretty much a constant A and B student with an occasional C (usually in Math and Science classes :P ) but I made the Dean's List for the first time in 3 years of college. And all I wanted to do was call my dad. He should've been the first person I told. The person to be the most excited for me because he knew better than anyone how hard I've been working 25-33 hours a week and going to school full time. He should've been there. I can't even be happy about it because it doesn't mean much without my dad here to see me achieve it. All I can think about how I can't tell him because he isn't here.
I didn't go to Christmas Eve service at College Park. I asked to work the early shift on Christmas Eve and to my surprise was off by 2. Brandon's dad always does Christmas at his house on Christmas Eve and Brandon's sister Darci and her husband Spencer were in town from Columbus, OH and already at Pat's (Brandon's dad) house. The plan was to go over there for a minute and then head to Huntington. But when that time came, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go knowing dad wouldn't be singing in the choir. It was too painful. I haven't been able to go to Christmas Eve service for years because of work and when the time came to go, I couldn't do it.
We didn't put up the Christmas tree this year. It has always been dad's thing and it just didn't feel right. Brandon and I didn't walk into my parents house smelling the pumpkin pie dad had just made and the Christmas Blend coffee brewing. In fact nothing about this past Christmas really happened the way it should. The Pepper side of the family decided to get together on Christmas day this past year. Usually it happens a couple days after Christmas. Brandon had to work at 5:30 but my mom and I didn't want him to be at home all day Christmas day until he went to work so Brandon and I spent the night Christmas Eve at my moms and got up early Christmas day to head to Liberty, IN where my moms oldest brother lives. We got their early and left around 2:30 to get Brandon back to work on time. My car was in Huntington but it was quicker for us to just go straight to Fort Wayne and back to Huntington. So mom and I dropped off Brandon at work and picked up Dayze and went to China Buffet. Nothing like Chinese on Christmas day! We got back to Huntington and watched The Sound of Music.
My mom, Brandon, and I opened presents the Wednesday after Christmas. Mom came up here to Fort Wayne. My dad was always the one to make us wait for presents. We would eat our Christmas dinner, (maybe weasel him into letting us open one present before dinner), then to the living room where dad read the Christmas story and then presents. However when mom came up for Christmas she was so excited about the gifts she got us we opened them first. I told her that if dad had still been here, he would've made us wait!
One of the last trips my parents made together to Fort Wayne, the stopped at Hallmark and bought us all mugs. Mine reads "Daughter-Watching you grow has gifted us with the understanding that our lives have been brought together for a reason. Your love has fostered our spiritual growth. The bonds we share are everlasting". Knowing my father read those words and knowing I can read them now means everything to me. It's just a mug to anyone else but to me it's a connection to knowing my father loved me the way a father should.
I hurts more now then it did April 21st 2011.
These pictures were taken Christmas 2010, the last Christmas with my dad.
I also came in wearing the purple scarf seen here. My mother didn't realize I had gotten her the pink and mauve one, also seen here, for Christmas.
