My mom made the quick decision to take him up to the hospice facility yesterday when he couldn't stop vomiting blood. One of their hospice nurses, Annie, stopped by at the same time he started vomiting and made the call to see if the hospice facility had any openings and it did. So around 3pm my mom drove him up here (to Fort Wayne, IN). I was just getting out of history class on the north side of Fort Wayne and was able to see him in between history and Spanish and then after Spanish. He was still vomiting and nauseous. I got here about 12:30 today. My mom left for Huntington to get a shower and get some stuff they left yesterday.
He has been nibbling at some pudding (chocolate of course) and drinking some cranberry juice. That and some applesauce is about the extent he has been able to keep down in the last 30 hours.
His breathing is more noticeable in that it's heavier. He hasn't slept consistently in days, maybe weeks. So I keep looking over at him to make sure he doesn't plop that pudding in this lab while dozing off.
He has aged so much during these 8 weeks. For those who know him, if you can imagine his eyes are even bluer now. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Brandon (my fiancee) has beautiful blue eyes as well and I can only hope our children get his eyes so I can see a little of my dad in my children.
Looking at him laying in the hospice bed reminds me so much of his father, my grandfather. For the majority of the time I got to spend with my grandparents out in PA, my grandfather was in a hospital. My dad has his features. Their hands are almost identical. Their skin and lips match each other. Seeing my dad like this reminds me so much of my grandpa. I didn't mind seeing my grandpa in a hospital as much as I mind seeing my dad.
I knew my grandpa was older. He had lived a good life. Had children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. And I know my dad has all those things (minus great-grandchildren) but in a fair world he should have 20+ more years. He should be able to walk me down the isle and see my children and be able to see the Cubs win the World Series. He should be there when I need directions and when I need computer help. When my car is making funny noises and I don't know what to do. When I graduate college. I'm only 24 for crying out loud!!!!! I need more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I don't have it.
As much as I scream and yell and cry and plead with God He won't be giving it to me.
I was talking this over with my Aunt Joan who lost her father (my moms dad) way to young. My Cowboy Grandpa was taken suddenly. No one was prepared. No one saw it coming. She was telling me she didn't know which was a better way to lose your father...not knowing or having to go through all this.
I hate seeing my dad confined to a bed. I hate seeing him having to use a walker to walk. I hate that I can't just call him to come up and watch a action movie my mom would totally not like at my apartment. I miss seeing him walk in through the backdoor from the garage. I miss seeing him at the computer. Baseball season has started and he used to have the radio out in the garage on to the Cubs, the radio in the kitchen on to the Cubs, the living room tv watching the Cubs, and listening to the Cubs on the computer all at the same time. Just in case he needed to leave one room, he wouldn't miss anything. There has been none of that this year.
I don't understand any of this. I don't understand how my mom is turned into the rock of the family and leading us all through this.
Please don't wait for me I ain't coming back again. I cannot turn around from the place I'm going to where I've been. -Josh Garrels
Taken February 26th, 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment